I Ain't One To Gossip, But ....

Let’s start with some crazy—like there’s any other kind—Original Recipe Lohan™, who’s been Tweeting a lot lately. Like the other day when she Tweeted the President asking that millionaires on Forbes millionaire list who aren’t “real” millionaires, get a tax break.

Lindsay.Politics.Oil.Water.

But then she Twatted, er, Tweeted more, but this time it was in response to that Vanity Fair article about the Church of Scientology “auditioning” wives for Tommy Cruise before he met the future Missus ex-Tommy, Katie Holmes.

The Vanity Fair article mentions a few of the actresses who were set to “audition” for Cruise; people like Sofia Vergara—who did date Tommy for a short spell—and Scarlett Johansson—who probably thought the meeting was for a film role, and not a wife role. But then, was Lindsay on the short list?

A source—and you know it’s a chardonnay-embalmed Dina Lohan—says, “Lindsay met with Tom before he met Katie. At first, she was super excited to work with Tom and thought it was about a role in ‘Mission Impossible.’ It soon became clear that he wasn’t looking for an actress but something very different.”

Another source—and by source I mean Lindsay’s deadbeat, jailbird father, Michael Lohan—has weighed in on the subject, denying any knowledge of a Cruise-Lohan wedding, saying “Tom has never called me to ask for her hand in marriage.”

Now, truth be told, the Vanity Fair piece never mentions Lohan—I mean seriously, could you picture Tommy Grrl Cruise married to Lohan? All his money would go to rehab, lawyers and bail. But the Huffington Post said Lindsay’s name was bandied about as one of the “fiancés” in the article, which caused Lindsay to Tweet:

Seriously, Lindsay. Tom Cruise might be, ALLEGEDLY, a big ol’ closeted queen, but he’s probably never even heard of you.

José Angel Santana used to teach movie directing at NYU, but was pink-slipped after he committed the ultimate sin of giving wacknut “actor/artiste” James Franco a D in the class.

See, Franco showed up for just 2 of the 14 classes and Santana thought that wasn’t worthy of a grade above D. Franco then complained to NYU administration about the D and Santana was fired. Now Santana is suing NYU for wrongfully firing his ass and is also suing James Franco for defaming his good name.

Franco, for his part, said he didn't show up to Professor Santana's class, because he didn't want to waste his precious time with a crappy teacher. He goes on to say that Santana wasn’t fired because he gave Franco a D, but because he was an awful teacher.

So, José Santana went to the New York Post and said that Franco is nothing but a celebrity bully who uses his name to punish anybody who doesn't suck on his ego. And then Santana got in a good funny dig at Franco, a la Clint and the Non-Talking Chair at the RNC:

“Whoever was in Clint Eastwood’s chair at the Republican National Convention was more present than Mr. Franco was in my classes. [Franco] is a bully. He uses the bully pulpit of his celebrity to punish anyone who doesn’t do his bidding. I didn’t deserve to be on the receiving end of those falsehoods. I was outraged that someone with his attendance record at NYU had the audacity to make those statements.

Santana’s attorney says that most of his evaluations from students were positive, and that since being fired from his $70,000 a year post, he wants unspecified damages from the university, but Santana doesn’t know who he's dealing with.

See, the all-powerful James Franco will probably switch majors at NYU, and go for a law degree, and then because he’s James Franco he’ll get a bump up instantly to judge in New York and hear the case against him and throw it out.

He’s James Franco, you know. And, well, if I get fired from this blog you know who to blame.

Okay, so we dished on Original Recipe Lohan™, so let’s talk a bit about Hillbilly Lohan™, aka Miley Cyrus.

Y’all remember that she went pseudo-Britney and shaved her head and dyed her hair blonde a few weeks back, and then she showed up at the VMA’s looking like Hooker Morticia.

Now we can add bar brawler to a list of Miley’s credits.

See, Miley Cyrus is a suspect in a criminal battery ALLEGEDLY committed inside a Hollywood nightclub. The ALLEGED victim filed a police report early Sunday morning with the LAPD claiming he and his friends were sitting behind Miley and her fiancé, Hottie McHot, er, Liam Hemsworth at Beacher’s Madhouse at the Roosevelt Hotel when things got rowdy.

The victim claims he and his friends accidentally bumped into Liam’s chair and the two camps exchanged words and an argument that quickly escalated. Miley set her bottle of moonshine on the floor, slipped out of her overalls and got in his face about the Liam Bump. In fact, the victim says Miley pulled out a pair of brass knuckles and punched him in the face. Okay, the brass knuckles part never actually happed, probably because Miley left ‘em in her other trailer.

Miley's representative, Lil Abner, said, “This claim is completely false and erroneous.” Or more like, “That’s a gawl dern lie!”

And there are witnesses who say that while words were exchanged, Miley never actually punched anyone.

Still, you can picture it can’t you?

I can. Miley Cyrus and the “Hoedown Throwdown.”

Meanwhile, back at original Recipe Lohan™, let’s talk about Lindsay’s role in Scary Movie 5. Okay, so it’s not so much a role as it is a cameo. Blink and you’ll miss her, much like her career.

While it’s true that Lindsay was hired to do a cameo in the latest Scary Movie (5), as it turns out, Cameo Lindsay is more trouble than she’s worth.

She was set to do her “part” opposite other wacknut cracktor, Charlie Sheen, but over the past two weeks—as the date for filming approached—Lohan disappeared, blew off rehearsals, missed her flight to the set and even bizarrely claimed she had walking pneumonia.

Apparently, Lohan was not happy with the script for her two-line part because it made fun of …. Lindsay Lohan. So, she pulled out her handy-dandy book of excuses and rifled through the pages tossing several out at the producers:

I missed my flight.

I’m sick.

I’m drunk and don’t know where I am.

But, possibly under threat of lawsuit, and desperate for cash to pay her delinquent hotel bill, Lohan finally showed up to the set. A source—and by the smell of tequila and vomit, I’m guessing Dina—says, “Lindsay missed every meeting she had for the film, including script reads and wardrobe meetings. Then she missed her flight to Atlanta on Sunday to shoot the movie. The producers had been getting signs Friday that she was a mess, and would not be fit to work.”

Multiple sources say that Lohan decided she didn’t want to do the film because she thought her scene made too much fun of her, you know, like saying she had drug problems and alcohol problems, and kidnapped someone and stole a necklace and had been to rehab so many times there’s a room with her name on it, and that goes for a jail cell, too.

You know, those kind of mean stories.

And, since we’re doing a lot of Lohan and Lohan-look-a-likes, let’s discuss Lohan 2.0™. aka Amanda Bynes. The last time we saw Amanda driving she was being pulled over for driving without her headlights on at night, so after that, and the one, more likely five, car accidents she’s caused, and arrests, Amanda Bynes finally saw her driver’s license suspended. Good news, no?

Except, paparazzi have been following her all over LA while she drove aimlessly around LA for hours last week while smoking what appeared to be a pot pipe. The photos show Bynes taking multiple hits out of a pipe designed to look like a cigarette lighter, and there are shots of what might be, ALLEGEDLY, remnants of marijuana in a cup holder. [TMZ has the photos.]

Amanda started her journey at Baja Fresh—cuz weed makes you hungry—and smoked from the pipe in the parking lot and ate tacos. She then went to a spa, where she spent 3 hours. Then she just drove around for several hours, possibly looking to score more weed or tacos, and ended up at Home Depot, where she took another hit from the pipe in the parking lot.

Worse of all, is that Amanda Bynes is driving illegally, and high, because the DMV suspended her license on August 25 because she ALLEGEDLY refused to take a sobriety test when she was busted for DUI in April. In California, such refusal results in automatic license suspension. Since then, Bynes has been charged with 2 hit-and-runs and various drivers have complained that she has either hit them as well or created peril.

Lohan, Cyrus and Bynes.

Gang of three.

Be careful California.