I Ain't One To Gossip, But ....

Do you remember back in the day, when Britney Spears was losing it? I mean, before the umbrella charging at the SUV and before the shaving her head in public? Even before she would drive around all night long drinking Starbucks after Starbucks and talk with an English accent? It seems that Amanda Bynes, aka Lohan 2.0™, might actually also be Britney 2.0™.

See, last week Bynes went off on a photographer. The struggle began with Bynes walking down Sunset Blvd. in Hollywood, shielding her face when she realized she was being photographed. Apparently the star didn’t like the way she looked—you know, with a coat thrown over her head—and she tried to reason with the paparazzo and flatter him into deleting the pictures, by agreeing to pose for him. But then she tried to grab the camera—I guess she wanted to take his picture—and the photographer begins shouting that Bynes hurt him.

Bynes calmly says, “I didn’t touch you.”

Now, she should know better; she’s become a paparazzi darling ever since her first DUI, and her fist arrest and first, second, third, fourth, and fifth car accident. So why she decides to pose is kinda weird. Except that seems to be Amanda Bynes these days. Talking to herself in dressing rooms for hours and then taking a spin class at the gym and stripped down to her bra and used the time to fix her makeup in the wall of mirrors.

She’s a target.

And it only gets worse. Her team of lawyers, agents, managers, wranglers, have all dropped her as a client, and now her family seems poised to go all Britney Conservatorship on her.

Which means she’ll be crazy for a couple of months, make a disastrous appearance on an awards show, and then end up judging a TV talent show for millions a year.

Sounds like a good plan.

Rihanna.

Trashy and drunk Rihanna. Trashy, drunk, and Tweeting love to the man who beat her senseless.

Now, we can add puking in public to trashy, drunk, and Tweeting to a beater.

See, after her performance at the iHeart Radio concert over the weekend, Rihanna went out to party and ALLEGEDLY  barfed all over her VIP table in front of everybody at a Vegas nightclub.

According to a source—and you know it’s Chris Brown’s new girlfriend: “[Rihanna] was partying with pals at the 1 OAK nightspot …. when the celebrations became too much for her and she struggled to control herself before throwing up…. She threw up in a napkin. The guy with her handed her a white towel to clean up.”

Funny, he should’a just taken her to the parking lot and hosed her off. She’d probably think she was a water park, throw her hands in the air and start screaming.

But she soldiers on. After puking and then having her team clean her up, Rihanna kept on and was later spotted heading to notorious strip club Spearmint Rhino.

I get it. I’ve been there. Once after performing at Burning Man I went out to a club and got rip-roaring drink and, while most people think it’s a sign that you ought to stop drinking, Rihanna and I think of it more as making room in your stomach for more booze.

Party on.

Oh how times have changed.

Matt Lauer used to be the news guy on The Today Show until he took over from Bryant Gumbel and then proceeded to have Katie Couric pack her knives and go and then have Ann Curry voted off the island, so he could be surrounded by a bevy of beauties he no doubt calls Lauer’s Lovelies.

Much to his wife’s chagrin, I’m guessing.

Nowadays, with Lauer is said to be The Today Show Demon. He insists on “making all editorial decisions” and is “running the show and he’s not listening to anyone … it’s a huge problem.”

And all because of a little something I call GMA, mixed in with BMS. Now, we all know GMA is Good Morning America, which has been stomping The Today Show into the ground, but Matty also suffers the dreaded BMS, Balding Man Syndrome; and those two things have made him a super-bitch.

I mean, the viewers are tired of him, the staffers loathe him, his wife threatens divorce if he so much as let’s another woman cross his path.

It’s hard.

And he deserves it, and, best of all, falling ratings mean that Matt will soon be asked to take a “significant” pay cut. He deserves it.

Karma is a bitch and it’s all over the Today Show.

Back to Bynes.

After her car was impounded and she was court ordered not to drive, what does an LA girl do? Move to New York, silly, and see if she can commandeer a subway car and train-drive-drunk. So, it’s all good, no?

No. See, also in La Grande Apple with Lohan 2.0™ is Original Recipe Lohan™--sidenote: New Yorkers? RUN!!!!--and we all remember that it was just a week ago that serial criminal, drug addict, kidnapper and jewel thief, Lohan, Tweeted that Bynes gets off easy for being a drunk driving Texter because she was a child star.

Pot. Kettle.Psychotic Moron.

And so, as the battle of the bitches moves East Coast, Bynes has ALLEGEDGLY been telling people that Lindsay’s latest run-in—and it was an actual run-in as she ALLEGEDLY hit someone—is Karma.

In an effort to avoid Lindsay, because drunks and addicts and crazy folks don’t like to be seen together, Bynes has been calling stores, restaurants and especially hotels, to make sure that Lindsay isn’t there. Maybe she ain’t so crazy after all?

Except…..

Park Avenue’s Hair Party 24 Hours is, as the name suggests, open all night, and one night a young woman—oaky, it was Bynes—fell in around 2:30 AM, muttering to herself.

“It took a while for us to realize it was Amanda Bynes,” says a worker at the NYC shop. “She was staring in the mirrors around the room, completely on her own.”

But she didn’t get her mani-pedi on, she just talked to herself and left.

The next day she showed up at beauty store C.O. Bigelow downtown. “She was talking to the light fixtures and singing loudly,” a source—and you know it’s Lohan, Dina or Lindsay. “And she tripped on the way out…”

At the gym she spent an hour in a locker room attaching false eyelashes while belting out Usher’s “Without You.” Dolled up, she then sat down on a treadmill with her small mirror to apply what an onlooker—again, one of the Lohans—called “way too much lipstick.”

Yeah, it really sounds like she’s switching from Lohan 2.0™ to Spears 2.0™.

Put away the hair shears NYC.

Just sayin’.

Could it be?

Is the fight between Nicki Minaj and Mariah Carey nothing more than a ploy by American Idol producers to get us to watch their sinking show?

Insiders say all that talk about Carey and Minaj not getting along on set has been drummed up by producers of the Fox hit. “It’s totally spun for publicity,” says one insider.

Say.It.Isn’t.So.

But AI needs the drama because last May’s finale, when someone we’ll never hear from again won, drew the smallest audience in AI history, and producers hope they can restore the roar by creating a fight where there isn’t one.

A source—and you know it’s Paul Abdul since she’s still out of work—says, “[Executive producer] Nigel Lythgoe would love it if ‘Idol’ did better than ‘X Factor’ [and the] whole Mariah and Nicki beef is completely untrue. It’s just a desperate attempt to boost ratings.”

Trouble is, Mariah is just crazy enough to hear about a feud and believe it and actually start a fight with Minaj.

And that would make Must See……no, it would still be AI going down in flames.

I have to laugh at this story.

See, after Tom Cruise’s team of Scientology minions bitched and moaned about Katie Holmes going all media on Tommy’s ass, following her role in Escape From Crazy, now Tommy’s peeps are doing the same thing.

Only they’re trying to paint him as Little Tommy Lost. Poor Tommy.

But it’s not quite working because, well, everyone has been made aware that Tommy hasn’t seen his beloved daughter in two months, though his lawyer actually released s statement that Tommy talks to her via phone every day.

Loving father, no?

But Tom has been busy working in London on yet another formulaic movie, and, well, going out and partying most nights, so he’s too busy to see his child; or any of his children, I’m guessing. But it’s not all work and partying, folks, Tommy also went yachting for several days rather than see his child.

Poor lonely Tom. Partying in London and sailing around, um, Croatia. It’s a lonely life.

A lot of this “partying” has taken place during weekends when he could have easily opted to take his private jet and visit Suri instead. But he’s playing the victim: “I’ve got to see her,” an emotional Cruise told a friend recently. “I miss her.”

Um, then maybe stop making movies every five seconds and stop partying and yachting and hop on your magic plane and go visit her.

Seems simple, but when your long on ego and short on, well, everything else, you forget things like children.

Jeebus.

After her d-i-sastrous sit-down with “Dr.” Phil, when she was drunk and high and stupid, you’d think Dina Lohan would shut her Chardonnay Hole.

Nope, Dina sat down with Entertainment Tonight, though this time she managed to appear sober and lucid. Though she kept spinning the same lies she always spins.

Lindsay’s just a kid! I’m a single working Mom! It’s hard being drunk all the time!

On the “Dr.” Phil Phiasco, Dina says: “I was absolutely not under, intoxicated, or on any kind of medication. I was extremely upset.” 

Yes, because you realized you were drunk, high and stupid, AND on tape.

But the best part of the interview, and the only part that truly made me laugh out loud, was when Dina said, with a straight-cracked-out-alcohol-puffy face, "I’ve never partied with my daughter in my life!”

Pictures say a thousand words, and all of them are Liar!

And onto some Lindsay.

She skipped out on another hotel bill.

She is refusing to pay her tab at the W in Atlanta—where she stayed filming her latest role, a ten-second cameo in Scary Movie 47—though the $1,000 tab for minibar, mani-pedi’s and massages way shy of the $46,000 tab she left for the Chateau Marmont to cover.

In fact, she was so adamant about not paying the bill that Lindsay pulled a sit-in of sorts and refused to leave the hotel until movie producers paid her tab.

And they did. But, and I love this, rumor has it the producers will be deducting the hotel tab from Lindsay’s paycheck.

Which means she’ll get a negative amount?

We dished Tom, now let’s do Katie.

We all breathed a collective sigh of relief when she climbed down a rope of sheets and hitchhiked on a turnip truck from LA to NYC just to get away from Casa Crazy and its matriarch, Tommy Cruise. And Katie seemed to be the picture of responsible parenting every time we saw her and daughter Suri on the streets of La Grande Apple, going to zoos and not buying a dog, and enrolling in school. It seemed Katie really is a nice normal girl.

But then she began reaching out to old friends, er, old boyfriends in her newly single state, which isn’t a bad thing, and most folks don’t really mind.

Except one.

Diane Kruger minds. And she minds because Katie has been reaching out to Joshua Jackson—Katie’s old Dawson’s Creek boy-too—and current boyfriend of one….Diane Kruger.

Oops.

Katie and Joshua were a couple on-screen and off while filming The Creek, and Jackson is saying that Katie reached out to him after divorcing superstar Tom Cruise, and Kruger isn’t happy. I mean, Joshua’s old, maybe new, girlfriend, gets $400 million a year in child support. How does a boy ignore that bankroll?

 “Diane has been dating Joshua since 2006—just around the same time Katie married Tom,” an insider known as the Church of Scientology—says. “Even though Joshua’s relationship with Katie only lasted a year, Diane knows that it burned red-hot. I think that bothers Diane deeply.”

And Joshua isn’t helping by saying things like, “Katie told me I was her first love and she would treasure it forever.”

And that won’t sit well with Diane. “That kind of talk will have Diane green-eyed with jealousy,” revealed the insider. “I think she wants Katie as far away from her man as possible so she doesn’t get a chance to steal him back!”

Okay, sounds plausible, yes, but, show of hands, who doesn’t think this is all a bunch of hooey drummed up by Tommy’s minions to make Katie look bad? I mean, Daddy doesn’t see daughter and Mommy wants to schtup her old boyfriend.

Sounds like a good movie plot, although Tom is too busy running around Europe and Katie’s too bust texting her old love.

Anna Wintour scares me.

I mean, I think if you cross her she’ll have you killed. By thugs. In haute couture, sure, but you’ll still be dead. Yet there is one thing I love about Anna and that is how she loathes Kim Kash Kow Kardashian as much as I.

According to In Touch, at an event at New York’s Fashion Week, Kanye West brought KKKK, his latest piece, and that when coming upon Wintour she greeted Kanye warmly, and then snubbed the Kash Kow.

And Kanye said nothing because Anna would have him killed and he knows it.

 “Anna wouldn’t even looks at her; it was obvious Anna doesn’t like her in the least,” says an eyewitness named Paris Hilton—who also was snubbed by AW. “Meanwhile, Anna was kissy-kissy with Kanye. It couldn’t have been funnier.”

And this isn’t the first time Anna shunned Kim: Wintour reportedly banned Kim from her annual star-studded Met Gala this year, though KKKK says she was never even going because she had to work in LA.

Anyone see this as a high-0larious lie? KKKK missing a big time event with movie stars because she had to restock the shelves at her “store”?

And Anna’s not the only person who finds the Kash Kow undesirable.

George Clooney loathes her, too, and ALLAGEDLY told his girlfriend, Stacy Keibler to "stop hanging out" with Kim.

A source—and you know it’s George Clooney—says, “George feels like the Kardashians are famous for nothing – they have no talent and are looked down on in the industry. He thinks Stacy being friends with Kim could hurt possible career opportunities for her.”

Now that’s funny in itself because Stacey’s “career” while it last is that of George Clooney’s girlfriend. Still, anyone who snubs Kash Kow is fine with me; especially if they’re packing heat like Anna Wintour.