Top Chef: The Dish Left Me Cold

Last night's Top Chef was, for me, cold.

I watched it as it happened, and DVRd it to see it again, but still, I got nothing. I did learn a few things about the cheftestants, but this isn't Top Psychoanalysis, it's Top Chef. Or so I thought.

But to have the cheftestants decide who would be Top Two and Bottom Two turned the show from one of cooking expertise and ability, into a strategical experiment in who can get another chef booted off because that chef is a threat.

Alex still skeeves me out, but that's all I get.

I don't get great chef, or one of great skill, I get skeevy.

And itchy.

And bothered by his wonky eyed view of himself and the competition.

I can't see him in the finals, but he is getting quite a lot of airtime, first with his pervert edit, and now with his finding-cartilage-in-Amanda's chicken edit.

And it ain't pretty.

And, speaking of Amanda: she's turned into all talk, and all scatter.

She talks a good game....I don't use a thermometer to check my meat temperature...and she talks a good William Shatner....Everyone's...finally seeing.....this......comp.....etition.....for.....waht......it................is.

And she runs around the kitchen like a mad woman. So much so, that Tamesha threatened to strangle her at one point and I kinda wished it happened.

We needed something to liven up this dull episode and a chef murder......might just...........do.......................the..............trick. Or better yet, let her choke on the cartilage she left in her dish.

Andrea fell into mind games because of her, I don't know what to call it, feud, rivalry, friendly competition, with guest judge Michelle Bernstein.

They are both chefs; both from Miami; both women. But Andrea couldn't handle having Michelle Bernstein judge her food.

I was so waiting for her to call out Michelle for dismissing her Quickfire Wild Boar, but she said nothing.

Except muttering how they had taken two different paths. Andrea had babies; Michelle had restaurants and fame.

Which explains why one is a judge, and one just lost the Quickfire.

I'm getting tired of Angelo and his sexy voice and calling the food sexy.

Note to Angelo: Sockeye Salmon isn't sexy unless you're a sockeye salmon.

Note to Angelo: Stop strategizing and cook. You say you're a better chef than anyone, especially Kenny?

Then cook them out of the show.

Don't try to sabotage and strategize them out. Don't try hitting on the young girl just to get her on your side.

That makes you look decidedly unsexy.

And as for Ed.

He should try focusing on getting into the Top Two and stop trying to get into Tiffany's chef coat.

He is so middle of the road, that I scarcely remember him except for their flirtation scenes with Tiffany.

This isn't the Bachelor, Ed.

You don't have to propose to Tiffany to win. you just have to cook.

If you can.

Kelly is, well, dull.

I know she won the Quickfire with her Emu Egg Omelet, from a recipe from the Bedrock Hiltstone Hotel Emu Egg Cookbook, but still......

After she won her immunity, she virtually disappeared from the episode.

Was she even at the table, critiquing the other chefs.

I don't remember her.

I think Bravo is preparing us for Kelly to leave soon.

If she hasn't left already. I don't remember.

Omelet maker. Pffft.

Stephen, who I often confuse with Ed, which shows you how well he's doing, doesn't even have the beginnings of a showmance to keep him interesting.

He's neither here nor there.

Though I'd prefer him there. Off my TV set.

Although he did have a good joke about the duck testicles in the Quickfire....making a soup called Cock'n'Ball Soup. Funny stuff.

Or, was that Ed?

See what I mean?

Call me Ed, but I'm getting into the Tiffany love.

She was the only chef last night who seemed to remember that's it's a competition about cooking.

It isn't gamesmanship.

It isn't strategy.

It's cooking.

I want Tiffany to be in the Top Three and to kick someone's strategizing, game-playing, decidedly unsexy ass.

I know Kevin is DavidDust's favorite Top Chef Papi, but his constant Poor me. I never win anything. routine is wearing thin.

Even after winning last night, and getting a trip to Hawaii as a bonus, he still lays the loser.
Man up, Kevin.

Quit the bellyaching.

Quit watching Angelo through portholes.

Quit playing like you have a target on your back.

Kenny is my favorite.

Kenny can cook.

Kenny wants to win because he's the best chef, not because he got outsmarted by someone else.

Like Angelo, who magically got his entire team to say Kenny's dish was the worst.

Now, to be fair, the judges were also less than impressed with his lamb, with it's twenty-five ingredients and preparations and platings.

But the man can cook.

And he isn't playing a game.

Tamesha turned from the youngest chef on the show, to the most evil.

Foul-mouthed and Amanda hating.

And those were the qualities of hers that are most like mine.

But I think when she became one of Angelo's minions, she turned off for me.

And the idea of half-cooked-half-raw scallops turned the stomachs of the judges.

Tamesha bit it.

I can't wait until next week when the show starts and Angelo remembers Tamesha for a nanosecond but then reminds us he'll do whatever it takes to win.

Decidedly unsexy.

And now, a note to Top Chef producers:

STOP having the chefs decide who is best and worst.

THAT'S why we have judges.