Um, yeah, you Kris.
I see meltdowns and breakdowns, and catfights and unfinished kitchens. I see Vern Yippie-Aye-Kay-Yay-Yay-I-wanna-be-a-cowboy-when-I-grow-up, alongside Genevieve The Goiter, who, legend has it--and by Legend, I mean Me--slept her way to the middle. What I am not seeing is Candice, and I'm not happy about that.
But it should be another season worth remembering like last year when.....what was his or her name? You know? The one who one?
Anyway, here are our contestants and their creds and some judgments from me based solely on their HGTV Bios and their photos because that's how I roll.
Let's do this.....
Bex Hale is 37, and hails from Abilene, Texas.
First off, we'll have to find a special locker for that hat. Seriously, i haven't seen such a ridiculous hat since Fergie's kids went to a wedding.
Originally from Portland, Oregon, Bex moved to Texas to pursue her education at Abilene Christian University. After graduating with a B.S. in industrial technology, she opened her own retail home furnishings store where she discovered her passion for interiors.
As a self-taught designer, Bex has undertaken a variety of design projects for commercial and residential clients, as well as corporate events.
To Bex, design is a visual story that takes viewers on a journey and she describes her favorite design style as "art eco," which is an artistic, eco-friendly design using industrial materials, rich warm tones and clean lines.
Granola, nuts, and bolts.
Britany Simon is the youngest of our contestants at just 28, and she comes to us from Phoenix.
Britany discovered her knack for design years ago when she and her sister redecorated Barbie’s dream home.
Yeah, you read that right. Barbie's.Dream.House. But she's blond and perky and, well, she could be smart. She really could. Though I won't be holding my breath that Mensa has her on speed dial.
After graduating from Arizona State University with a bachelor’s degree in business and interior design, Britany launched her career by working for several design firms where she focused on residential flooring, cabinets, and kitchen and bath design. Today Britany is a designer and account executive at a home building retailer--like maybe Lowes?--as well as a photographer and home stager for her own design firm.
When it comes to designing a space, Britany says, she loves the challenge of creating something fabulous on a budget. She describes her style as eclectic and edgy with touches of “glam-chic.”
Prissy beauty queen.
Danielle Colding is 36 and from Queens, N.Y.
A former professional modern dancer, Danielle made the leap--Get it? A Dance reference? Leap? I'll stop--to being an interior designer in New York. She also has Bachelor of Arts in anthropology from Stanford--as do most interior designers--and an associates degree in interior design from the Fashion Institute of Design and Merchandise in Los Angeles.
And she has that smile that says, Hi, I'm smiling but I'd just as soon nailgun you to a wall. Danger Will Robinson, Danger!
Today, Danielle owns her own design firm, and calls herself a problem solver--meaning she'll be The Bitchy One--and uses her open, friendly and quirky personality to connect with her clients. She characterizes her design style as global chic, classic modern and edited traditional.
In other words, it's just a bunch of stuff.
Hilari Younger is 31 and is coming to Design Star from Big D--Dallas!
She'd also like to buy an 'e'. Just sayin'.
Plus, she looks mean, and I'm thinking she wears the bangs to hide her gang tat. Just sayin'....again.
She discovered her passion for design as a child when she wanted to redo her bedroom every few months; hey, it's better than redesigning a plastic house for a doll, eh?
After studying fashion merchandising and public relations at Howard University and getting on-the-job design training in retail establishments, restaurants, home stores and real estate firms, Hilari found her way to commercial and residential design.
Today she is a mom, a self-employed contractor and an interior stylist who has completed dozens of design projects ranging from apartment lobbies to model homes and offices.
Inspired by fashion and classic movies, Hilari says she loves reviving vintage looks and defines her style as an eclectic mix of ethnic modern and ornate glamour.
More eclectic. More glam. More yawn.
Jordan Cappella is 40, and might be The Gay One....I kid. The Gay One? He comes from Venice, California, though he was born and raised in in Sydney, Australia.
Uh oh, Australian accent? I might start melting now.
Jordan moved to the United States 16 years ago to study interior design, and studied at the Fashion Institute of Technology in New York, before returning to Australia to take on his first project: redesigning his mother's beauty salon.
Gay. Manscaping. Trendy hair. Gay.
Back in America, Jordan expanded his design horizons with projects such as restaurants, homes and apartments, as well as a homeless shelter.
Oh goddess. Accent. Gay. Helping the homeless. It's like he's Down Under Carlos, which might be an entirely different blog post.
Inspired by designs from the '50s, '60s and '70s, Jordan says his favorite design styles are Hollywood regency, modern and art deco. He also has his own candle....gay....and furniture line, and says he loves to push design boundaries by mixing unexpected patterns and bold colors that most people would never imagine.
Kris Swift is 34 and also comes to us from Texas. What is it with designers from Texas? I don't want no stinking boots and animal skulls in my designs, y'hear?
Anyway, Kris is originally from Ontario, Canada, and says he grew up knowing he was destined to be a designer.
Gay. Nerdy gay. Gay who doesn't get the daily fashion updates from Homo HQ where the scarf was deemed as Bad Accessory # 2378.
Since completing his master's degree in convergent media from the University of Texas, Kris opened his own design business and gained vast residential, commercial and hospitality design experience.
Inspired by nature and art, Kris characterizes his favorite design style as eclectic, rustic modern and industrial baroque.
Hey, at least he threw in baroque with the eclectic stuff.
Luca Paganico is 36, and from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania.
Luca says he knew he had a natural passion for design when, as a child, he would frequently rearrange his bedroom and draw on the walls.
Um, every kid does that, Luca, and I didn't end up on Design Star! Not that I'm jealous or anything.....
Swoon. Me lika Luca.
After graduating with a Bachelor of Arts in industrial design from the Art Institute of Pittsburgh, Luca kick-started his own firm by designing a golf course clubhouse, bars, restaurants and condos. Luca says he loves showing people the fun in design and describes his style as modern and eco-friendly.
Modern. Eco-friendly. Buzz words. And he made up his own word, "designology", to describe the fusion of two different styles to create a unique new design.
I get the feeling I won't be able to understand him and probably won't care.
Miera Melba is the oldest of the group at 64, and comes to us from Delray Beach, Florida.
Born in Amsterdam, Netherlands, Miera says her love of art and drawing was first inspired by her father, who was an award-winning window dresser. After studying art at Calvin College and earning a real estate license, Miera worked as a receptionist in a home development sales office where she had the opportunity to join the in-house design firm.
Secretary to designer?
I'd say that as the oldest designer she may be like a fish outta water here, but she's got that Katey Sagal Sons of Anarchy vibe about her so i wouldn't turn my back on her.
She later opened her own design firm, which she operated for 28 years, working on condos, high-end homes and coastal residences. Miera, who is an award-winning designer, now works as a residential interior designer and describes her favorite style as seaside coastal, transitional and eclectic.
Mikel Welch, real name Michael, is 32 and is from New Yawk, New Yawk.
He is a self-taught designer, having gone from a sales associate to a professional set designer and prop stylist for shows such as Glam Fairy and Jerseylicious.
Reality TV design?
I sense Sassy Black Gay Man or Don Cheadle Designer, and I'll take either one.
After completing a Bachelor of Arts in business from Morehouse College in Atlanta, Mikel pursued his dreams to design and stage restaurants, showrooms, residences and model homes. He says his favorite design styles are modern, transitional and midcentury.
What? No eclectic? Michael, er, Mikel?
He also loves simple, commonsense design solutions, and says he can visualize the full potential of any space, whether it requires repurposing furniture or adding wallpaper to a ceiling.
Oh, and Gay.
Rachel Kate is from Minneapolis, Minnesota where it's cold and she figured she'd keep better. Get it? I lurve an MTM reference.
Anyway, she's 35 and, instead of joining the family motorcycle business--dyke on bike?--Rachel followed her passion for design, which she says began in the fourth grade while she was sketching fashion and interior designs for fun.
In high school, she developed her natural talents by painting fabrics, sewing clothes and reupholstering chairs to sell to friends and family. Rachel has completed more than 50 home decor projects, 20 full remodels and 20 new-construction projects.
First thought? Um, Rhoda, er, Rachel? You dress like you're from Minnesota and shop at the Michelle Bachmann House Of GOP Clothing. Stop. Just stop.
Currently, Rachel is a mom who runs her own freelance design business and believes there are no limits with design.
She characterizes her style as eclectic rustic, antique French and coastal beach house.
Stanley Palmieri is 34, and also from Pittsburgh. I think he and Luca Paganico are a couple. Or not. But I'll hold that image in my head a while longer.
At any rate, I think 1979 called and want their hair back.
Stanley says he can build anything he imagines and graduated with a Bachelor of Fine Arts from West Virginia University and a Master of Fine Arts from The State University of New York.
He discovered his love of interior design when landscape design and construction clients asked for his opinion about their home interiors. He works as a construction project manager at a general contracting firm and describes his favorite design styles as minimalism, pop art and cubism.
Stanley says his favorite project was the installation of a popular bar and restaurant in his college town--a space he transformed from a parking garage.
Maybe not so gay.
Yuki Northington is 43 and from Bay Saint Louis, Mississippi.
A mother of four, Yuki unearthed her design abilities while working as a receptionist at a design/build firm.
Secretary to designer, too.
I can smell the Aqua Net in her hair just from this picture. Do not like a match near this blog post or the whole thing could blow!
With a Bachelor of Arts in painting from the University of Missouri and a Bachelor of Arts in interior design from the University of Northern Iowa, Yuki is an interior designer, artist and retail store owner who has designed law offices, health care facilities, residences and commercial sites.
Influenced by fashion and jewelry trends, Yuki says she loves mixing classic and modern styles in any home design project. She describes her personal style favorites as eclectic, Gothic Tudor and coastal casual.
Eclec......what? And you just know, that with a name like Yuki, I'll make joke after joke about her designs being yucky.
That's how I play.
So, there you have this year's crop of losers, homos and bitches. And I say that with love.
Let the games begin. And look for my snark-tatsic review of EpOne tomorrow afternoon!