Tuesday, September 06, 2011

Design Star: Design A Home For The Mayor Of Tiny Town AKA Vern Needs A New House

Okay, so as the last show ends, and perky Kellie is escorted from the building, the Top Three....TOP THREE!!! TOP THREE!!!!....are sitting in the designer's lounge....Seriously? Their own lounge?....and, as Meg so overly dramatically puts it, as Meg so overly dramatically puts everything, "In.Walks.Tanika."
Yawn. Save the drama for your mama. Tanika is simply there to tell them that for the next challenge they will be charged with designing an entire home. As Meg might say, "Panic.Sets.In."
But the next morning they are not driven to a new home development or a subdivision, but are instead they are caravanned to Battery Park where they find the Three Little Pigs houses, and then they realize it's a tiny house they must design.
And they will each be given a carpenter, and must perform liked trained seals in  two camera challenges; one, in which they tell their carpenter that they are the star of the show and the carpenter is just a hammer bearer, and the second, where they tour their tiny house in  three seconds or less.
Or, something like that. I wasn't paying attention. The weatherman said tornadoes were in the area. We only got a sprinkle of rain. Go figure.
 Effin' weatherpeople....
....but I digress. Let's rip the designers a new one.


KARL
Karl was all about the space plan, or so he said, because he's been known for his space plan. But, um, didn't he win the first challenge because of a wall treatment? And didn't he win another challenge because he added architectural elements to a bedroom? I never heard anyone tell Karl that they love his space planning. I must have missed that episode or...........it didn't exist!
He went all grey and red in his space, but also turned up the volume on accessorizing and making good use of the things he bought. A stool can also be a table. A placemat can also be a cutting board. His carpenter, hottie firecracker Marc Bartolomeo, could also be my husband. And I've seen his man bits, so that could be good. Seriously. Google him. Carpenter, and hottie ex-nude model.
Multi.Function.
In both Camera Challenges Karl finally seemed calm, and less girly giggly, which was a boost to his performance this episode. Especially since we were lacking in views of Karl bending over.
The judges liked what he'd done, too. The Goiter Oooohed again and again, and loved how Karl thought of everything and put it all together. Vern liked the multi-functionality of Karl's design, and probably the idea of having Marc come with the house. See, they're both a little height challenged so this could be the perfect little love nest. Candice gave it a Wow, though she wasn't fond of the contrasting colors. This time I disagreed with her. i liked that separation of space, even in a small room. 
Karl is the first one in the Finals.
Top Two!!! Top Two!!!!



MEG
She wanted to give her Little Pig a kitschy, comfy, cozy cottage. Yawn.It was all green and yellow. Yawn. And, did you notice how she was painting the window trim and getting paint all over everything? I guess that proves that someone comes along after the designers and cleans up because there's no way Meg had time to razor the paint off her glass. No way.
Meg was gifted--and gifted is the appropriate word--with carpenter Chip Wade, a bald, beefy, brawny type carpenter. Seriously. If I had a hammer, he could nail me. Just sayin'.
And, again, I digress.Her first camera challenge she roared out of the gate like a bull in a teeny tiny china shop. So in your face that my TV felt like 3D even though it wasn't. She gave Chip the task of building shelves. Shelves? Shelves. How.Creative. Yawn.
And then she put little jars of stuff on the shelves, because, you know, when you're downsizing to postage stamp, you wants jars of stuff, like buttons and screws, around you, taking up valuable space.
And another thing. There is no way this challenge is real, or real world, because, if it were, Meg would be dragged down Wall Street by a bull for her toilet "room". The room barely held the toilet, and if this were a real house, using the toilet would require you to leave the door open. Fine, if you live alone, but imagine having a guest who needs to use the loo, and you say, "I'll step outside while you're half in there."
Seriously, if you're gonna make it real. Make it effin' real.
And don't get me started on the rake wineglass holder. If space is at a minimum, why take up valuable room for a rake to hold two wine glasses. There is no realness here. It's all about little bits of stuff to make the judges swoon.
But Goiter Oooohed and Aaahed as she toured Meg's teensy home. So sweetshe said. Such a creative use of design terminology, I said. Vern liked the colors but bemoaned the lack of storage; and he adored what, to him, amounted to a huge vaulted ceiling--seriously, the ceiling soared over his head, while Candice was ducking nonstop! And, speaking of Candice, she wasn't fond of the color choice, but found the house fun, fresh, and funky.
I
had another 'F' in mind, b
ut I ain't a judge.
Meg's in, also. Which leads us to.....



MARK
Mark. With that adorable smile and that gorgeous head of hair and that singleminded wall installation sensibility.
He wanted contrast and texture and wild pattern. I liked the first two ideas, but the wild pattern thing ended up too much for tiny town. 
Mark was paired with Latina carpenter, Carmen de la Paz, and should be thankful for that. In the first Camera Challenge he ignored....the camera! Until Carmen literally told him to look at the camera. And then he ignored Carmen.
He was doomed.
He gave Carmen his floor plan and left to shop. When he came back he instantly began changing the floor plan, moving sinks and cupboards and closets. That doesn't bode well.
He was doomed.
Then he chose to paint some sort of weird argyle pattern on every wall, and then strap the walls with belts like a Brooks Brothers S&M cabin. It was too much, too busy, and served no function at all.
The Goiter said Cute cute as she entered the house. I guess that's a design term...for a moron. Vern liked it, but then Vern--and to be fair, like me--has a distinct "like" for Mark--if you get my meaning. Candice didn't like the wall installation, calling it cluttered and busy, while the Goiter wished the belts served a purpose, like, say, Oh, I dunno, to tie her giggly schoolgirl yap shut?
Mark was out. I liked some of his work, but he seemed a little one note to me....even if that one note was delicious.


RANTS
This show is awful.
There is no real design, just spots of it. Little bits in stupid challenges. The Tiny House Challenge was really just the White Box Challenge or the Kitchen Challenge. If you wanna pick the next Design Star get them out in the real world and have them design for real people.
Tanika Ray is just sad and pathetic and tried to hard. Get rid of her.

And the judges. Oy. 

Candice was back. Thanks goddess. Someone who has their own show on HGTV should be a judge on HGTV.

Vern's HGTV show is judging on an HGTV show. Lose him. He's done.

And last, because I think of her as last, is Genevieve Gorder, wearing a stretch-knit pant--again, thanks to Nina Garcia for turning me on to The Pant--replete with a repeat visit of her cameltoe. Seriously? If you went to this woman to design your home and she showed up dressed in some 1980s reject outfit from a flea market with her ladybits all on display would you hire her?
No. You wouldn't.
This show has lost it's appeal.
There is no real design. I think the Final Two, and the Ultimate Winner are chosen before the shows actually air and then we just get some drama and laughs...and hot guys....week to week. Seriously. How many Design Stars, other than David Bromstad who won is SEASON EFFING ONE have their own show? 
Oh, that girl that won last year has a show, but it'll be gone soon. And Antonio has a show but it's on at 4AM, when it isn't a rerun. Kim Myles? Nope. Other girl? Nope.
So, it isn't Design Star so much as it is Waste My Time Star.
But, um, yeah, I'll recap next week...and I'll probably watch next year, too, and rant and rage and rave and lust.
Such is life.
But, let us put all that away, and say goodbye to hottie, hunky, good hair, gorgeous smile Mark. See, i went to end on a pretty note.
Bye Mark.

7 comments:

froggy said...

I loves the title (and everything else!)
We here at the Ponder Mansion were horrified at Meg's housette. The trim irritated us. The ladder to the loft - who could climb that? The loft was so small - prisoners have more room. The window seat - thin foam on a board? The whole place was a NO in our books.
And next week - she is wallowing around on a carpet - what the hell?

Joy said...

I agree. The concept is good but the execution contrived. Not sure I'll watch again. Good recap!!

paul said...

I am in complete agreement with your last paragraph. If HGTV is smart, they'll choose Karl, who I think has some star quality just like David B. Let's face it. When David was in the competition, he set many hearts a flutter when he removed his shirt. Karl sets mine aflutter when he bends over. There needs to be some magnetism, and I am sorry to say the other designer lacks it.

diatribesandovations.com said...

I stayed up late last night (as I’ve done the last few Mondays) so that I wouldn’t read your recap before I actually watched the show. I’m so glad that I did because you are funny as hell. And Marc Bartolomeo may have just gotten another stalker! Phew. And THANKS! I, too, noticed the paint on Meg’s glass and know for a fact that it takes FOREVER to scrape that mess off the glass. I agree with everything in your rant, as well.

mrpeenee said...

I think Mark would have done better as the carpenter on somebody else's show than as a host. Or maybe he, David and Bartolomeo can just do porn and get it over with.

Tivo Mom said...

I agree about the show. The last few years have been so blahhhhhhh...Thought Mark was cute but I am happy with the final 2. I just end up watching a few days after the fact because I am not as in to it anymore. But as you said, I continue to watch and probably will keep on doing so. Love the recap. Is it weird that I want a tiny house though...

Dreamspinnr said...

Wow I am so glad to find you!! I have generally avoided HGTV for quite a while--I don't need to sell a crappy fixer-upper, or move to Rio for a teaching job and shop for condos, and I have seen all of the few design and landscape shows I did like and their endless reruns. I did however catch the last DesignStar, my first, and you totally nailed it. Karl is the only one with real promise--his house was spot on, colors and all. Meg is downright scary (and I think secretly a b--ootch who will chew out your neck) and her house looked like a John Deere shed. I also cringed as she slopped paint on the windows. And that rake! Seriously? Poor untalented Belt-Mark just has no talent. He also was just a little too cutsie for me and too accustomed to getting expected results with his "charm" thing. He was very gracious in defeat, however. (Look out for Meg next week though--she can your fear.) Don't know if I will watch the finale, but I will look you up to get your final sendoff. Ciao!