Saturday, September 10, 2011

I Ain't One To Gossip, But....Delusional Blond Diva Edition

Ah, Lohan.
When she isn't getting roaring drunk at Kim Kardashian's for-sale-to-the-highest-bidder wedding, or getting drunk at Chateau Marmont, or getting drunk in a gutter in Venice California, Lindsay Lohan is ALLEGEDLY fullfilling her court-ordered community service.
Community service? That's what you get in Hollywood with a big expensive lawyer, for being a carjacker, kidnapper, DUI'er, and jewel thief. In the real world, she'd be behind bars, not under 'em.
Just sayin'.
But, while there are reports that Lohan has been keeping up with her community service, she has completed just 45 hours of the 480 she was ordered to do. I wonder how this will sit when she goes before the judge again, next month. I imagine a lot of finger shaking and Bad girl! Bad Lindsay!
Followed by more partying.
A source close to the 65-year-old wactress--and let's face it, it's her mother, fame-whore Dina Lohan--says, “Lindsay has completed around 45 hours of her service at the women’s shelter. Lindsay does have a full year to comply with all terms of her community service.”
But, and this part I like, Lohan also needs to complete 120 hours of service at the LA County Morgue, where she might catch a glimpse of her career, although rigor mortis on that thing has already set in.
And, when she next appears before Judge Stephanie Sautner and offers up a report on her progress, what will her excuse be? Partying? Of course. Shoplifting, er, shopping? No doubt. Working at getting backstage at a Coldplay concert? Done. Acting? Not so much.
While Lohan seems to think she's been cast in the new "John Gotti" movie, even her publicist, Steve Honig says she hasn’t officially signed on as yet.
So, no work. No community service. Just parties.
Yeah, it pays to be a Hollywood hasbeen with a high-powered lawyer.

I don't like Gwyneth Paltrow.
Okay. Deal.
But everything I've read that she says makes her sound so full of herself, and so proud of herself, and so into herself. And now, this week of all weeks, Gwyneth Paltrow is telling the world that she was a hero on 9/11 and actually saved someone's life.
By almost running down a woman on the streets of New York.
The woman, Lara Lundstrom Clarke, was late for the subway, and therefore late for work at the World Trade Center, thus, her life was saved when she was nearly run over in a  crosswalk by Paltrow.
And that made her miss her train, and made her late to work. By the time Clarke arrived at WTC the first tower was already falling.
Now, to be fair, it was Lara Lundstom Clarke who first told the story, but now, nearing the ten year anniversary of the terrorist attacks, and with a movie to promote, Gwyneth Paltrow is telling the tale, and patting herself on the back.
Promoting Contagion at the Venice Film Festival, Paltrow acknowledged receiving a letter from Lara Lundstrom Clarke, and recounted her own version of that day: “Basically, what happened was I had gone to a yoga class very early...I was on the way home and it was the morning of September 11--not that I knew at the time what that meant--and a girl was jaywalking across the street and we kind of both stopped at the same time and waited a really long time....I got a letter from her saying that she had been late for work and we had that thing and she went down to the Christopher Street station to catch her train to go down to the World Trade Center where she worked on the 77th floor of the South Tower and the train was just pulling out....It was an extraordinary story and all I could think about is all of the people who had experiences like that that day, but aren’t able to reach out because it wasn’t a recognizable person...I think a lot of fates were changed that day obviously and I am very humbly happy to be a part of her story.”
Humbly happy? Well, of course it was lucky that Lara Lundstrom Clarke was almost killed by a famous person so she'd have a story to tell, eh, Gwynnie? And, of course, in your version, Lara Lundstrom Clarke was 'jaywalking' so she was doing the bad thing and you were just a self-involved, pampered movie star on her way home from yoga in your Mercedes SUV who didn't kill her.
Yes. She's like that.

Okay, to be fair, I am not a huge Madonna fan.
Bad gay, I know, but I just never got into her.  Now, don't get me wrong, I mean, she's been around thirty-some-odd years, and still kicking...even with a new face. But, this story, The Tale of Madonna and the Hydrangea Bearing Fan, irks me.
For those of you who have just discovered the interent and YouTube--and the video is just down there--while promoting her directorial debut at some film festival--where later in the day crowds laughed at it...and not in a good way--a  fan came up to HRH Madge and offered up hydrangeas as a gift.
Lovely, no?
Well, Madonna, stuffed them under the table, leaned down and looked at someone next to her, and gave them an eyeroll. Then she turned to her right and said, in that annoyingly fake British accent she manufactured, "I absolutely loathe hydrangeas" followed by a "He obviously doesn't know that."
How about a simple Thank you, Madge, and no eyeroll and no snark? And then find someone who loves hydrangeas and give them to that person? And howsabout not thinking so highly of yourself that you find it shocking that a mere mortal doesn't know that you "loooooathe" hydrangeas.
Bitch. See, one day, Madge, when your second and third new faces have outlived their welcome, you'll be wishing for someone, anyone, to give you a flower, and you'd wee-wee your adult diapers for a hydrangea.
Just sayin'.
Madge's rep Liz Rosenburg on hydrangea-gate: “The hydrangea incident is so ridiculous… It’s not like she said she hated warm chocolate chip cookies and milk and little puppies!....She’s entitled to like any flower she wants and she didn’t want to hurt the feeling of the hydrangeas of the world. No disrespect to the hydrangeas lovers of the world but she prefers different types of flowers.”
No, Liz, you're right. She is allowed to like and dislike whatever she chooses, but she doesn't have to be a shrew about it.

More on Madge.
After literally burning a hydrangea with her eyes, and using her Born To The Manor British accent, now Madonna has something to say about Lady Gaga.
You know, this year's Madonna.
During an interview with the French site LeSoir for Madonna's directorial debut, W.E.--which I've heard stands for What! Ever!--Madonna took on Gaga--and, to be fair, this is an English translation from the original French quote: "Of my fans? Say what interests me with the eyes of Wally, is to arrive at the truth about drilling Wallis Simpson. And realize that nothing is all white or all black. True or False. Life is gray. And you can not lock someone in a box. As for Lady Gaga, I have no comment on his obsessions related to me, because I do not know if it is based on something profound or superficial."
Um, Madge? Honey?
You seem to spend more time talking about Gaga than she spends talking about you. So, um, Madge? Honey? who's obsessed with whom?

Well, according to Liz Rosenburg: “She didn’t diss Gaga.”
But I bet she did send hydrangeas.

Oh, does this ever have trainwreck written all over it.
Many have tried to duplicate Project Runway--The Fashion Show, anyone--but few have succeeded. Still, hillbilly hasbeen, Jessica Simpson, and someone who's known for being someone's daughter, Nicole Richie, are working together on a new Project Runway-ripoff called Fashion Star, which is currently filming and set to air on NBC, owned by Universal, which own Bravo which used to air the PR before it moved to Lifetime.
Revenge programming, me thinks.
Now comes word that the two blondes aren't getting along. Folks are saying that Nicole is being the über professional, always on time, always knows her mark, but that she is kind of a Mean Girl. On the other hand, Jessica is always late, always eating Bojangles chicken, and always asking what a mark is, and is utterly unaware that Nicole is mocking her.
An insider--and by insider I mean Paris Hilton, whose "career" is over--says, “They chat only when they need to, and they have wildly different opinions about style.”
Richie “thinks Jessica doesn’t have much of a high-fashion eye” and “makes snarky comments about Jessica’s outfits” like her Daisy Dukes and her football sweaters.
Still, Simpson phased by Richie’s digs--quite possibly because she doesn't understand polysyllabic words: "Jessica really doesn’t care what Nicole thinks” and she walks around gloating that her fashion empire--which is largely made of cheese and Doritos--has $750 million in sales in 2010, while Richie’s lines pulled in an estimated $10 million.
Money talks, I guess. And white trash with money talks really loudly and stupidly.
Just sayin'.


Anonymous said...

Awesome post! I've never liked Paltrow. I think she's one of those actresses that pretty much play themselves in every role. Plus, she's not particularly attractive to look at.

I love your snark! You could give Michael K ( a run for his money!

froggy said...

And, amazingly, I don't think any of them are natural blonds!

Rainbow said...

I just want to go on the record to say that I "ADORE" hydrangeas and if anyone wants to send me some..i would be very gracious!!

Cubby said...

You'll be happy to know that poor Gwyneth Paltrow dies a horrible death in Contagion.

todd carr said...

I agree with hour dislike of Paltrow She has a blog called Goop. I'm sure her lawyers made her put in that j-walking clause.

ayeM8y said...

I loathe each and everyone of them.

Whenever my friends play, "What Celebrity are You?" I'm always cast as Paris Hilton. To which I firmly decline and opt for Lindsay Lohan. At least the girl is interesting and acts like a train wreck alcoholic drug addict starlet from the good old days. I say Bravo to the old whore. Lets face it, for fourteen, Lindsay aint lookin' so good.

Anonymous said...

I like Jessica Simpson. She might be wacky but her line has great shoes and bags at a price I can afford.

To add to Froggy's comment, I don't think any of them have natural boobs either.

froggy said...

LOLOL! Boobs! Of course. And probably not their first nose either.

mistress maddie said...

Oh look, it's the wind tunnel edition! Except even while their not natural blonds, they are all still empty headed!!! And on a side note, Nicole could sooooo chew up and spit out Jessica. Anyone dissing Jess gets a instant upgrade in my day planner!

tamayn said...

I never know what to make of Gwynneth Paltrow. Then again, I'm not very good with most of Hollywood.

Furthermore, should we ever be surprised about anything Lindsay Lohan does or does not do?