This week was Promotion Whores, er, Wars. No, I mean Whores. The designtestants were to create a gown to be worn by PR Diva Heidi on the cover of Nina Garcia's house of employment, Marie Claire. I'm sure there was some thought of how to incorporate Michael Kors into the challenge--maybe the designers could have used a new color, Michael Korange--special thanks to Dust Bunny Diva David Dust for that one--but alas, it was only Heidi and Nina.
The designers were told by Marie Claire editor Alex Carrington, um, I mean, Joanna Coles, that they would be doing a dress to be worn on the cover, so no black--the article titles are in black--and no prints, but it had to pop, and, since it would no doubt only be shown from the hips, or waist, up, all the embellishments should be in that general area.
Some folks just don't listen, and I'm talking to you Jay Nicholas and Amy.
SethAaron put away his Urkel ensemble from last week--I miss it--and went back to looking like Adam Lambert's grandfather this week. This outfit I like; I could see Heidi wearing it when she Auf's somebody, whether on the runway, or on the street like, say, when someone steals her cab. I think it's a little too dark for a cover shoot, but it gives off that fashion forward Joan Crawford talking to the board of PepsiCo vibe.
This wasn't SethAaron's first time at the rodeo, and so, no need for Christina to bring the ax.
This is Maya's hope for Marie Claire Immortality, and, well, I'm afraid it died a slow, muted gray death. I do like the pseudo-Queen-Victoria-Wannabe-Ruffled-Collar, but it doesn't look at all Heidi Klum with those coffee filters gathered at the neck.
This was neither a Wow!! nor an Oh dear!??! so Maya, aka Little Mila, is safe.
With this, what on Earth is it, dress, Jonathan made me giggle, then chortle, then guffaw, then snort, then spew hot coffee from my nose. I mean, was this the comedy challenge? Was Heidi to be on Marie Claire: The Stand Up Comedian Issue? It looks part negligee and part naughty undies to me. This is not Heidi Fashion Forward; this is Heidi crawl into bed with Seal--which ain't a bad thing but that wasn't the challenge.
Jonathan got a pass for this half-assed-half-an-outfit.
Jesse's I liked, and, to be fair, it's because I'm still harboring a little man crush on Jesse. The color looks black--not good according to Joanna Coles--but it's really midnight blue. And it has a really cool basket weave....basket....package....Jesse......What? Oh, yeah, a basket weave design on the front, and it would pop, but I'm not sure it would pop in a way that would make Joanna Coles happy; like say the way small children's fingers bleed as they sit in a mud hut in Thailand sewing designer gowns would make her happy.
She scares me. But Jesse is safe, and that's good.
Jay Nicholas is confused. It isn't the Marie Claire Going To The Chapel edition. This shrieks wedding dress to me, from the seven foot train to the bouquet on the shoulder. Plus, um, Jay? Honey? Didn't they say the photo for the cover would be from the hips, or waist, up? And yet you made a gown that drips a half mile or so from the waist; a waste of material. The color is a washout; picture it on dewy skinned blonde Heidi. It's meh.
But apparently meh is safe.
Amy must have been asleep when Joanna Coles said, "No prints EVER!!!!!" Because it doesn't get more print-y than this mess that screams Macaroni Grill restaurant tablecloth gathered at the waist and slipped over a model's head. Plus, it has one of those napkin-y things that Flo used to wear on Alice, starring Linda Lavin as Alice and Polly Holiday as Flo.
It made me long for some couscous with capers and tomatoes, and then it made me long to be able to reach into my TV and bitchslap Amy!
This would be the lovely Mila's salute to Heidi's crotch, as Nina so politely pointed out. It looks like she was going for Heidi auditions for The Mummy Returns: AGAIN! Joanna Coles likened the color to bad hospital food; Kors called it an ace bandaged mess. It doesn't pop; it doesn't crackle; and it doesn't get two snaps up in a Z formation. Sidenote: the episode started with a bit of Mila entering the backstage area after last weeks show proclaiming herself Top Two. Top Two!!! Mila, dear, no one cares about Top Two; they care about winning or getting Auf'd. Top Two, and strutting backstage only gets the other designers to think you're a bitch.
I ran around my yard screaming Mila goes Bottom Three!!!
But she gets saved.
While Jay Nicholas went full on Wedding Dress Issue, Janeane went for Bridesmaid in what she calls her ocean-inspired dress. Joanna Coles, my bitchy new best gal pal, said it looked like seaweed at the top. And Heidi said it wasn't Fashion Forward; it was more Fashion Backward into the 1950s and Donna Reed was going to wear it when Ozzie and Harriet renewed their vows in the Cleaver's backyard. It was all shiny and seamed and asymmetrical hemmed and then, those shoes, obviously left over from a Carol Burnett Mama's Family Special only make the hideousness more unattractive.
And this ::::guffaw:::: is what Anna ::::chortle::::: thought Heidi Klum, Heidi-freaking-Klum, should wear on the cover of a magazine. I mean, c'mon Anna! Have you met Heidi Klum? But, obviously, to Anna, this says Heidi. Um, the shorts say Damn your legs are white. And the vest responds, Welcome to La Quinta! Do you have a reservation? while the shirt proclaims, I’m due the end of March. Put them together and they say, My name is Wanda Slovenski from Winnetka and I drive the Vacation Bible School bus for the local Baptist Church.
Heidi said Get OUT!!! Well, she said Anna was Auf'd, but we all know what she meant.
Emilio continues to impress me. I love the color, and he does very cool things with trims and such. The judges loved it, though they weren't too keen on the spaghetti hanging from the straps. The Coven of Bitches--Kors, Garcia, and Coles--began barking orders! Pull down the strap! Cut those strings! Let down her hair! And then they created, well, Emilio's dress in a strapless version.
They did like that Emilio brought his scissors onto the runway, but I don't think it was to fix a dress, I think it was to cut a bitch. Are you listening, Mila?
Emilio is safe.
Ben....I know, you're thinking, Who?...finally started showing up on camera and speaking and sewing. He came up with what he called Madame Butterfly On Acid, which scared me, at first, but the judges liked. They liked the color; they liked the cutout on the back; they liked the fashion forwardity...not a word but I don't care...of the dress. I liked, no, I loved, that Ben took Tim's advice and scrapped the silver leather fabric he was planning to use as a belt and went with basic black.
The judges didn't say it, but I think Ben got very close to winning this one.
But that honor went to Queen Anthony Of Atlanta who finally put away his Book Of Costumes and went to infinity and beyond!!!!!! Anthony was the only one to use a color that popped. Anthony was the only one to keep most of the great detail in areas that would read in a photograph. Anthony was one of the few, whose dress would be seen behind a bunch of black lettering. Plus, and maybe this is why he one, he squealed like a girl.
I loves me some Anthony. I want to bottle him up and carry him around in my pocket, then random spray him on rude people I meet throughout the day.
So, there we are, PR7EP5: Promotion Whores. Anthony finally rose to the surface; Mila got a beatdown--and so I think it helped she had all those bandages left from her dress. We finally saw The Unknown Contestant unmasked as Ben. And, truly, the most hideous outfit of all got Auf'd.
Fashion Assassin. Out.