Oscarvations

I love me some Janelle Monae and was thrilled to see her open the show. 

But then she started to sing ‘A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood’ and I was Nooo. Then her buttons popped open on her blouse, and I was like, Nooooo. Then she couldn’t get the sweater buttoned, and I was like, Nooooooo.

Luckily, that song was short lived and the Janelle I love, the banging, booming, dancing, jiving, jumping songstress began to sing ‘Come Alive’ and get the joint jumping and singing … with a little help from Billy Porter. I loved her telling the audience to celebrate women, celebrate Black History Month, and allowing her, a black, queer, artist to perform.

Times change.

And then it was on, another no-host Oscars, though I prefer a no-host bar; just saying. Steve Martin and Chris Rock opened the show, riffing on film and Hollywood and American culture and diversity, or lack thereof …

Janelle was incredible! While we were standing backstage, Steve turned to me and said, ‘Wow! JLo’s killing it two weeks in a row.’—Chris Rock

You and I have both hosted the Oscars before and this is such an incredible demotion—Steve Martin

The academy is using the Iowa caucus app—Steve Martin … might be true …?

Jeff Bezos is so rich. He got divorced and he’s still the richest man in the world—Chris Rock

Bezos did not appear amused. So sad he’s that rich and can’t afford a sense of humor.

So many great directing nominations this year—Chris Rock

I thought there was something missing from that list this year—Steve Martin
Vaginas?—Chris Rock

Must be true because one of the Best Picture nominees apparently directed itself, as Greta Gerwig got no nod for Little Women; I almost forgot that because they zoomed in on Greta and her husband, Noah Baumbach … he tickles my ivories.

Cynthia Erivo did such a good job hiding the black people in Harriet that the academy got to her hide all the Black nominees.—Chris Rock

In 1929, there were no black actors nominated—Steve Martin

In 2020, we got one!—Chris Rock.

Still #OscarsSoWhite, but let’s give out some gold …

The gorgeous and talented Regina King presents BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR … to Brad Pitt, for Once Upon a Time … in Hollywood. As he’s been doing at every awards show, Pitt gives a great speech; this one started off like this:

They told me I only have 45 seconds up here, which is 45 more than the Senate gave John Bolton this week. I’m thinking maybe Quentin should do a movie about it and in the end the adults do the right thing.

Mindy Kaling presents BEST ANIMATED FEATURE … to Josh Cooley, Mara Nielsen and Jonas Rivera for Toy Story 4 … and BEST ANIMATED SHORT … to Matthew A. Cherry—cute—and Karen Rupert Toliver for  Hair Love. Cherry, a former NFL player, is the second professional athlete to win an Oscar, following the Kobe Bryant’s win for “Dear Basketball” in 2018, talked about creating the film to give young black children a chance to see themselves and their lives, in animated form.

Think on that …

Josh Gads introduces Idina Menzel to sing ‘Into the Unknown’ from Frozen 2:

Frozen 2,  or as climate change deniers call it, Not Frozen 2,  features this song sung by the brilliant Idina Menzel, which is pronounced exactly as it’s spelled.

The first of two Travolta digs last night.

Diane Keaton and Keanu Reeves; she is a little flummoxed—more so than usual—and it’s cute; they talk about making Something’s Gotta Give … Keanu says:

We had good times. And you and Jack—

She replies:

I wouldn’t go that far.

They present BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY … to Quentin Taran—wait, what? Tarantino was supposed to win, and yet the award goes to Bong Joon Ho and Han Jin-won for Parasite. Maybe Steve Martin was right about that Iowa caucus app? Still didn’t I just love seeing Tarantino smacked down a notch.

Natalie Portman and Timothy Chalamet—I tried to give him my keys and have him bring my car around front—present BEST ADAPTED SCREENPLAY … to Taika Waititi for JoJo Rabbit. He’s kinda cute in a flamboyantly-not-gay-because-he-has-a-wife-and-I-believe-him kind of way.

Shia LaBeouf and his costar from The Peanut Butter Falcon, Zack Gottsagen present BEST LIVE ACTION SHORT … Gottsagen is the first person with Down Syndrome to present; he seems nervous, but sweet, and it’s Shia who messes up the winner, calling The Neighbor’s Window The Neighbor’s Widow. Marshall Curry accepts and gives a looong rambling speech about what a great storyteller his mother was, and I wonder how he missed that trait.

Wilma Rudolph and Kristen Wiig are next, in those comical, though not meant to be, outfits. But they are as hilarious as their dresses in using their time to audition for the directors in the room. They give ACHIEVEMENT IN PRODUCTION DESIGN … to Barbara Ling and Nancy Haigh for Once Upon a Time …in Hollywood. And then they offer up a song …

These boots are made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these days these boots are gonna walk all over …

You've got the look, you've got the hook. Sho'nuff do be cookin', in my book.

Devil with the blue dress, blue dress, blue dress on …

Blueberry Hill…

Vogue. Vogue. Vogue. Vogue. Vogue. Greta Garbo and Monroe, Dietrich and Di …

Lady in red, is dancing with me …

Cheek to cheek. Cheek to cheek. Cheek to cheek …

In a thing th-thong thong thong …

You can leave you hat on …

… before presenting ACHIEVEMENT IN COSTUME DESIGN … to Jacqueline Durran for Little Women … who took so long walking to the stage that they showed the entire film while we waited. 

Luckily, there was a cut to Greta Gerwig and Noah Baumbach again.

Chrissy Metz, from This Is Us, sings ‘I’m Standing with You’ from Breakthrough. I knew she could sing, but this was a beautiful performance.

Mark Ruffalo, facial hair hotness, presents BEST DOCUMENTARY FEATURE …and points out that four of the films have female directors, or female co-directors … before awarding the Oscar to Steven Bognar, Julia and Jeff Reichert for American Factory. Barack and Michelle Obama produced the movie and so _____ must have been fuming! Ruffalo then presents BEST DOCUMENTARY SHORT SUBJECT … to Carol Dysinger and Elena Andreicheva for Learning to Skateboard in a War Zone [If You’re a Girl].

Mahershala Ali brought the hotness … searing … scorching … hotness when he presented BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS … to Laura Dern, for Marriage Story. 

After a quick flash to the film’s director, Noah Baumbach—yum—Laura says:

Some say never meet your heroes, but I say, if you’re really blessed, you get them as your parents. I share this with my acting heroes, my legends, Diana Ladd and Bruce Dern.

Broadway actor Anthony Ramos—adorable—introduces us to Lin Manual Miranda—adorable, too—to present a section about music in film, that morphs into a performance by Eminem. I like the song, but what was the purpose? Let’s cut that and shave five minutes from the telecast, m’kay?

Finally! My-Husband-In-My-Head, Oscar Isaac appears onstage with Salma Hayek … pronounced Ugh, who grabs his hand and loudly proclaims:

I can now officially say I’ve held an Oscar on this stage.

Two things: that’s the only Oscar she’ll ever hold, and if it was me, I’d be doing more than holding it, amirite?

Anyhoo, they present ACHIEVEMENT IN SOUND EDITING … to Donald Sylvester for Ford v Ferrari who grabs the Oscar from Oscar without so much as How do you do or even a My god, you’re gorgeous, and totally ignores Salma—which I’m fine with—before giving his inconsequential speech.

Next, Oscar—so dreamy—and Salma—meh—present ACHIEVEMENT IN SOUND MIXING … to Mark Taylor and Stuart Wilson for 1917.

Then a great fun moment, possibly my favorite, other than Oscar and Mahershala and Noah, as rapper Utkarsh Ambudkar recapped the show up to that point:

I’m Utkarsh, movies, I’ve been in a few, Broadway, but you might still consider me new.

But anyway I’m here to recap the show, and emcee for a bunch of nominees who don’t look like me.

First up, Janelle let us know who we been coasting, yeah, Chris Rock dropped in 'cuz he ain't hosting.

Mr. Pitt, congrats on winning your trophy,  now please make a sequel for World War Z.

Mindy’s here, she’s repping for South Asia, Hair Love won for best animation.Heard an amazing singer, nobody colder, her name is Idina Menzel, Mr. Travolta.

John Wick and Annie Hall made the temperature raise, Parasite and Taika won from screenplays.

Bridesmaid’s crew firsts standing with you, then Blade gave Admiral Holdo a statue.

Lights up on Anthony and my twin, Lin, next year In The Heights is guaranteed the win.

Been a long time trying to be colorblind, what you see right here in front of you is a sign of the times.

QuestLove on the beat back boning the spine, and that’s how you recap the show in a rhyme.

Keep an open mind, I'm sure we'll find, there's plenty of light for us all to shine.

Us all to shine.

Julia Louis Dreyfuss, so hilarious, and Wil, Ferrell, so … not … do a bit about what a cinematographer does and, well, it’s Ferrell, so it’s not really that good. They present ACHIEVEMENT IN CINEMATOGRAPHY … to Roger Deakins for 1917. They then do jokes about editing and how most of Ferrell’s lines get cut, which, for me, would be a plus, before presenting ACHIEVEMENT IN EDITING … to Michael McCusker and Andrew Buckland for Ford v Ferrari.

Zazie Beetz strolls through the audience to introduce orchestra conductor Ricky Minor, but has difficulty remembering his name. Luckily Ricky takes over to introduce Cynthia Erivo singing ‘Stand Up’ from Harriet. Great song, one quibble: why the Star Wars costume when you’re singing gurl?

Time for more comedy as James Cordon and Rebel Wilson come onstage dressed as their characters from Cats, though they have human hands! They are out to present ACHIEVEMENT IN VISUAL EFFECTS while taking a jab at the horrible effects in … Cats! It was brilliant; as was when they played with the mic stand before announcing the winner … Guillaume Rocheron, Greg Butler and Dominic Tuohy for 1917.

To present ACHIEVEMENT IN HAIR AND MAKEUP we get Ray Romano and Sandra Oh, who tell us that without hair and makeup she’s 87 years old and he’s Charlize Theron. The award goes Kazu Hiro, Anne Morgan and Vivian Baker for turning Charlize Theron into Megyn Kelly in Bombshell.

BEST INTERNATIONAL FEATURE [the award formerly known as Best Foreign Film] goes to Bong Jun Ho for Parasite. That film is on a roll…

Elton John opens to applause as he sings ‘I’m Gonna Love me Again’ from Rocketman. It’s a totally Elton performance. ‘Nuff said; well, okay, I would have preferred ‘Rocketman.’

Gal Gadot, Sigourney Weaver and Brie Larsen talk women and superheroes and starting a fight club, where men can fight, but if they lose, they have to do a round of interviews on what it’s like to be a woman in Hollywood. Ouch. The three present BEST ORIGINAL SCORE … and for the first time in its 92-year history, a woman will conduct the orchestra, but just for this one segment … to Hildur Guðnadóttir for Joker, who said:

To the girls, to the women, to the mothers, to the daughters, who hear the music bubbling within, please speak up. We need to hear your voices.

BEST SONG went to Elton John and Bernie Taupin for ‘I’m Gonna Love Me Again.’ And I’ll just say this, I know Elton’s been around the block and back again, but he’s acting like a really old man.

Spike Lee, Junior Conductor, I think, presents BEST DIRECTOR … to Sam Mend—wait, what? Mendes was a shoo-in for this one, but it goes to Bong Joon Ho, for Parasite. It’s those Iowa caucus apps, I tell you.

And for reasons I don’t quite get, one of Hollywood’s greatest directors, Steven Spielberg, is sent out to introduce Billie Eilish who will sing over the In Memoriam segment. Seriously? Kelly Ripa wasn’t available? Anyway, I’m not really a fan of Eilish, but her rendition of ‘Yesterday’ was absolutely gorgeous. Now, that outfit and the hair and the footlong nails …?

Olivia Coleman is up to hand out BEST ACTOR, but first reminds us how much fun she had winning Best Actress last year … and how much her husband enjoyed her, after  she won … if you get my meaning. And the award goes to … careful Caucus App … Joaquin Phoenix, who gave a lovely speech:

I've been thinking a lot about some of the distressing issues that we are facing collectively. I think at times we feel, or were made to feel, that we champion different causes, but for me, I see commonality. I think, whether we're talking about gender inequality or racism or queer rights or indigenous rights or animal rights, we're talking about the fight against injustice. We're talking about the fight against the belief that one nation, one people, one race, one gender or one species has the right to dominate, control and use and exploit another with impunity. I think that we've become very disconnected from the natural world, and many of us, what we're guilty of is an egocentric worldview — the belief that we're the center of the universe … I think we fear the idea of personal change because we think that we have to sacrifice something to get something. But human beings, at our best, are so inventive and creative and ingenious, and I think that when we use love and compassion as our guiding principles, we can create, develop and implement systems of change that are beneficial to all sentient beings and to the environment. Now, I have been a scoundrel in my life. I've been selfish. I've been cruel at times, hard to work with and ungrateful, but so many of you in this room have given me a second chance. And I think that's when we're at our best, when we support each other, not when we cancel each other out for past mistakes … When he was 17, my brother wrote this lyric. It said, 'Run to the rescue with love, and peace will follow.'

Makes perfect sense to me. What made no sense was what happened next, as Rami Malek presented BEST ACTRESS to Renee Zellweger for Judy. I don’t know if she felt the need to compete with Joaquin, but what a hot mess word salad of a speech that named just about everyone she knows, and then veered into heroes and Judy Garland  and Neil Armstrong and Sally Ride and Bob Dylan, Venus, Serena and Selena. Seriously, Renee?

Worst of all was when she accepted the award for Judy because, as she said, wrongly, Judy Garland never won an Oscar. Um, Renee? Perhaps more research might have been nice, because Judy Garland won a special Academy Award in 1939 for her performance in The Wizard of Oz. it may not have been a traditional acting Oscar, but she won an Oscar.

Renee-effing-Zellweger. Where was that Iowa caucus app when I needed it?

Finally, the end …Jane Fonda hands out the BEST PICTURE Oscar to … wait, what? It’s not 1917, but Parasite? Please tell me Faye Dunaway wasn’t backstage messing with the envelopes again. But No, it was Parasite’s night, and clearly the crowd was thrilled with the win—it is the first film not done in the English language to win Best Picture—because when the director tried to turn off the lights and microphone as the speech ran long, the crowd booed until the lights came back up.

Joaquin was right … when you work for the common good…

What did YOU  think?