Oscar Fashion: The Hits, The Misses, The Unintentionally Funny

BEST IN SHOW

Geena Davis in a simple … simple … ball gown, covered up and plunging; and there are pockets??

BEST

George MacKay, from 1917, in a classically handsome double-breasted tuxedo, with pants that are the right size. Plus, he’s kinda hot.

Janelle Monae. If you’re gonna go out on a limb, fashion wise—Kristen Wiig, take note—this is how it’s done. Covered up head-to-toe but still sexy as hell.

Rebel Wilson usually looks like a hot drunk mess, but she rocked the old-style Hollywood glamour, and looked like an Oscar.

Florence Pugh gets the nod for being different …no pastel, no black, and a subdued ball gown.

Regina King brought the pink and the glitz and the ball gown, but for her it worked. Regal, baby.

Rami Malek never bores, and I love a man in a different kind of tuxedo.

Sandra Oh. At first, I thought this was too much—and it is a lot—but it grew on me… kinda like it’s growing on her? I kid. It’s fashion, people!

Scarlett Johansson looks gorgeous in this slinky sequined sheer number. Plus, Colin Jost was her date and he’s hot’n’funny.

GOOD

Anthony Ramos, from Hamilton, dared to be different and won that dare. I want those shoes.

Penelope Cruz. She could’a been a contender, because she left giant ball gown and giant hair at home, but the waist just seems off to me; it’s too long and makes her look short.

Brad Pitt and Charlize Theron. They weren’t together but they’d make a hot couple in basic black tuxedo and a sexy slinky dress.

Brie Larsen. Again, she might have been on top, but I feel like I’ve seen this look before … in a slightly different color and on Jessica Chastain without the cape. Okay, maybe I haven’t exactly seen it before.

Julia Louis-Dreyfuss; she never fails, though she sometimes bores, but this is good and slinky and a great color on her.

Laura Dern sometimes misses the mark and goes a little old …think Grandma’s curtains …but for the Oscars she rolled out the good stuff.

Kathy Bates. Yes, it’s a suit, and not a particularly glam one, but Bates doesn’t do gowns, and she’s a woman of a certain age and I think she looks good, so bite me.

Mindy Kaling stayed away from the pinks and the blacks and is a winner for that. The color is gorgeous on her. Off the shoulder realness with a statement necklace? Check.

Noah Baumbach, director of Marriage Story, in a classic tuxedo, with pants that are the correct fit. He’s here because there’s something about him that rings my bell.

BEST COUPLES

Adam Driver and Joanne Tucker look like the topper of a chic wedding cake. This is a couple that looks good together and apart. His tuxedo is perfect, and her dress is stunning.

Carthew Neal and Taika Waititi, producers of JoJo Rabbit. I don’t think they’re a couple in the romantic sense, but they look good together and had a playful time on the carpet. I’d like to get in the middle of that Down Under hotness.

Patricia Taylor and Keanu Reeves, mother and son. He looked good—though I’m iffy on the facial hair—but she rocked a suit like no one else.

Vanessa Nadal and Lin Manuel Miranda are perfection together; her white dress is chic and his tuxedo—save the too-long pants—is a perfect match.

MISMATCHED

Mahershala Ali and Amatus Sami-Karim. He looks fierce while she looks like a toilet paper Christmas tree.

Tonya Lewis Lee and Spike Lee. She’s the one who looks like an Oscar winner, while he looks like he was playing train conductor at home and didn’t have time to change.

Take a note from Adam and Joanne, m’kay?

MEH

Salma Hayek looks like she’s channeling Elizabeth Taylor through Norma Desmond. She’s a hot woman, so why dress like an elder?

Renee Zellwegger was coming to the show knowing she was the favorite to win—hell, they practically gave the Oscar before the movie even opened—and all she could come up with was this white plain number? I’ll give you the glitz, and the perfect fit, but it’s a yawn in shimmer.

Billy Porter stole the shoe last year in the Christian Siriano Tuxedo Gown, but this is a miss for me. It’s like a Cher toss away on top, and old hotel curtains on the bottom.

Olivia Coleman usually looks so elegant, and she did, until I noticed those things on her shoulders that look like eyes. I was scared, and yet I couldn’t look away.

Great Gerwig, director of Little Women and Missus Noah Baumbach—lucky bitch—rocked a new color but the gown wore her, and not the other way round.

Sigourney Weaver in Astroturf™ green. It’s not bad, but it just ages her. And that knot of fabric on the shoulder makes it seem like the dress was too big, so they tied it up to make it fit.

Margot Robbie is drop dead gorgeous, but in the dress, and that ridiculous pose, she looks like a Disney villain. Did Cruella and Ursula have a kid?

Zazie Beetz could have won the night if she’d had the rest of her dress. It’s the Oscars, fer chrissakes, wear a long dress. This screams cocktail party with the Bronstein’s, not movie’s biggest night.

Natalie Portman looks mad … at that cape or that Black Swan looking gown she wore. She gets points for losing the cape before going onstage to reveal the sheerness of the dress. But, unless you’re BatGirl, leave the cape in the car.

Quentin Tarantino looks like a blackjack dealer at a Las Vegas casino way off the strip … in a strip mall right next to a Jamba Juice in Henderson. Fer chrissakes—again—get a tailor and make the tuxedo fit.

BAD

—enough with the Ball Gowns

Cynthia Erivo. It’s too big. The top is lopsided. One breast is up and the other one seems to be looking for an escape route.

Gal Gadot is wearing two different looks; the top is lace and sex appeal, while the bottom looks like shredded linens from a lesbian motel.

Saoirse Ronan. The top is gorgeous; structured and avantgarde. The bottom seems the be the sheets in the room next to the one where Gal got her skirt.

Timothy Chalamet thought he was headed to Outback for a Blooming Onion, because there’s no other excuse for what, I’m sure, was a very expensive track suit. Or …maybe he valets in his off hours and was on break?

Tom Hanks. I know, I’ll burn for picking on Mister Nice Guy. The tuxedo is nice, but the cuffs. THE CUFFS!!! THE CUFFS ARE TOO SHORT AND THE SHIRT IS TOO DAMNED LONG!!!!!

COMIC BREAK

When I saw these looks on the red carpet, I jumped from my seat to get a better look. Yes, they were real, and this was no joke … except for the designers who talked these women into these looks.

Kristen Wiig looks like she belongs in the court of the Queen of Hearts in some Lifetime reboot of Alice in Wonderland in a Hideous Gown.

Maya Rudolph looks like she stopped off at Party City and bought a Halloween tablecloth reserved for a gay bar in the valley.

The saddest part was when these two women appeared onstage to present an award, the audience giggled before they said a word. They also thought this was a joke.

WTF

Billie Eilish. We get it; you’re the new It Girl, but it’s the Oscars, try harder. And we get it that this look is Chanel, but all that proves is that even Chanel gets It wrong sometimes.

Diane Warren. Seriously? One glove? Michael Jackson is dead; can we stop with the one glove now? And the silver sequined coke that looks like aluminum foil? And the choker? Stop.

Rooney Mara. This is fashion, and this is just bad. It looks like the shoulders, the halter top, and the tank dress, while of the same fabrics, are from three different dresses. Layering works, sometimes, but this should have been layered on the bed at the hotel while another gown was chosen.

What did YOU think?