I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

When Pamela Anderson married her long-ago-ex-boyfriend—they dated in the 80s—she crafted a poem about their union as “God’s plan.”

Oops, said God. See, Pam and Jon, each married five times, have split up after 12 days of their God’s plan marriage.

Now Pammy’s saying more nonsense:

“I have been moved by the warm reception to Jon and my union. We would be very grateful for your support as we take some time apart to re-evaluate what we want from life and from one another. Life is a journey and love is a process. With that universal truth in mind, we have mutually decided to put off the formalization of our marriage certificate and put our faith in the process. Thank you for respecting our privacy.”

Take time off? The thirty years between first date and marriage wasn’t enough time?

Bitch please.

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Speaking of other failed marriages, there are still court cases being fought between Johnny Depp and his ex-wife Amber Heard that  have lasted longer than the marriage. Seriously, the Depp-Heard split is a rumor monger’s delight, filled with accusations of physical and emotional abuse, domestic terrorism, and drug and alcohol use.

Depp is currently suing Heard for $50 million claiming defamation for an op-ed she wrote about surviving his ALLEGED domestic abuse that he claims got him fired from the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise. Yeah, like the world was ready for another one of those. Probably not, but we do have a “leaked” audio recording from a 2015 couples therapy session in which Heard ALLEGEDLY confesses to physically abusing Johnny, admitting that she hit Johnny—she did not’ however, “punch him”—and threw pots and pans at him and then he pushed her.

Gosh, aren’t they lovely? She says, on the tape:

Heard: “I’m sorry that I didn’t, uh, uh, hit you across the face in a proper slap, but I was hitting you, it was not punching you. Babe, you’re not punched. I don’t know what the motion of my actual hand was, but you’re fine, I did not hurt you, I did not punch you, I was hitting you. You poke an animal enough, it is eventually, it doesn’t matter how friendly it is, it’s not cool.”

Here’s a little more of their co-dependent, um, “love”:

Depp: If things get physical, we have to separate. We have to be apart from one another. Whether it’s for fucking an hour or 10 hours or fucking a day. We must, there can be no physical violence towards each other.

Heard: I agree about the physical violence, but separating for a day, taking a night off from our marriage?

Depp: All I’m saying is we need to take whatever time we need. You need, I need, to kind of let things settle for a minute. So that we don’t fucking kill each other or fucking worse, you know, fucking really kill each other or fucking break up or whatever.

Heard: I can’t promise that it will all be perfect. I can’t promise you I won’t get physical again. God I fucking sometimes I get so mad I lose it. I can fucking promise you I will do everything to change. I promise you. I’m not going to throw around divorce I will not say divorce unless I really mean it.

Depp: I love you and I want you to be my wife. And I want to be your husband. And I wanna be a good husband. If I haven’t been, I’ll do everything I can to find out how to be a good husband.

Seriously, this is their love story? A judge should kick both their asses to the curb and threaten to sue each of them if they ever file suit again.

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In case you missed it, one of the stories going around about the Superbowl that wasn’t about the Stripper Show Halftime, is the story of media whores Jaz-Z and Beyoncé sitting down during the National Anthem.

Let’s back up for a moment … Jay-Z’s company Roc Nation signed a deal with the NFL to produce events like the Super Bowl Halftime Show and help them with “social justice” issues. Many people saw this as Jay-Z turning his back on people like former NFL player Colin Kaepernick, who shone a spotlight on police brutality by kneeling during The National Anthem at games, for the sake of more and more coins. Despite criticism from Colin himself suggesting it was just another billionaire selling out, Jay-Z promised this was about the people!

Now, the Superbowl: Roc Nation ALLEGEDLY clashed with Jennifer Lopez about her using children in cages during her Halftime Show To make a statement about the border crisis because they—by they I mean Jay-Z—wanted zero displays of political commentary during the event. But then came the photo of the Carters sitting down during the anthem.

Jay says nothing could be further from the truth, y’all. They stayed seated because they were discussing the art of a Superbowl experience, and when asked if sitting down was a statement, Jay says he and Beyoncé were focused on the show at hand with Beyoncé relaying to him important technical aspects of the show because, you know, she “performed at the Super Bowl before, and I haven’t. We immediately jumped into artist mode… I’m really just looking at the show. The mics start. Was it too low to start?”

Nice spin, but you stayed seated. At least when Colin Kaepernick takes a knee it’s for a protest; your sitting was to discuss the show?

Take a permanent seat, y’all.

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Mo’Nique has been mad at Oprah for a loooong time now and it shows no signs of subsiding. She has accused Oprah of helping Lee Daniels to blackball her for not doing unpaid press for Precious … ten years ago … and she ALLEGES that Oprah screwed her over financially and personally. And now she’s got a new log to toss on the fire …

Mo’Nique is going after Oprah over her backing off from a planned Russell Simmons documentary, by writing a long-winded open letter on social media:

Dear [Oprah],I felt compelled to write you this open letter after observing the disparity in the way that you seem to treat people, who were accused of the same allegations.

You did an interview on the CBS Morning Show and were asked about Harvey Weinstein by Norah O’Donnell, and you said as it pertained to him that you “always try to look at the Rainbow in the clouds, whatever is the “silver lining”.

You also said “if we make this all about Harvey Weinstein then we have lost the moment”. When you either are, or were going to be a part of documentary on Michael Jackson, and Russell Simmons, how is that not making it all about them? Interestingly, Brother M.J. was acquitted, and deceased, so how is he not off limits? Russell and Harvey are accused of the same thing so in fairness how do you not “support” the accusers of both as you said you did with R.S. or you look for the silver lining for both like you said you did for H.W.?

The only difference between the two is there skin color and doesn’t H.W. have way more accusers? My personal experience with you is you’ve watched me as a black women be accused of being difficult for not promoting “Precious” internationally for Lions Gate, at Lions Gate, Tyler Perry and your request, despite the fact my deal was with Lee Daniels Entertainment. And, how are you for black women when you hear Tyler on audio saying I was right and he was going to speak up but you or him still haven’t said a word? When I was sixteen and I meet you at your local show in Baltimore, I told you I wanted to be just like you when I grew up. You responded, “ you have to work really really hard”. My sixteen year old self didn’t know that you in your silence in the face of wrongdoing, would make my life “harder”. Lastly, please consider standing by the people who are right and not just the “right people”. Love you to life,

Mo’Nique

Mo’Nique, honey, move on. It’s been ten years and every time you spew your venom, you give new life to the story. And if you think that you will ever get an apology from Oprah Fucking Winfrey you are seriously confused. That bitch don’t apologize; she just sells more Weight Watchers and puts more coins in the bank.

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Erykah Badu is trying to give Gwyneth Paltrow, and GOOP, a run for their money. Badu is launching The Badu WorldBecause Market, an online store that will sell “bespoke clothing and accessories, as well as apothecary goods and traditional music merch.” 

But it’s not the clothing so much as it is the used clothing, in general, and Badu’s underwear in particular. Yes, she will be selling her worn panties online in a new and totally GOOP way because, well, let’s let Erykah explain:

“There’s an urban legend that my pussy changes men. The men that I fall in love with, and fall in love with me, change jobs and lives. [So] I took lots of pairs of my panties, cut them up into little pieces and burned them. Even the ash is part of it.”

The ‘it’ in question is an incense called “Badu’s Pussy.”

So, light a GOOP candle and some Badu incense and the smell of vagina will fill your house.

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