I Ain't One To Gossip But ....

Wow, Lohan just can't stay out of the news, can she?

If she isn't drunk at a club, she's making soft-core porn movies, or getting into a car accident, or being arrested as a jewel thief.

And it's that last one that's happened again.

Lindsay Lohan was interviewed by police regarding an apparent burglary at a Hollywood Hills home, though Lindsay insists, as cracktresses are apt to do, that she had nothing to do with it.

Still, according to sources--Dina! Put down the shot glass and take a bow!--Lindsay spent the night at a friend’s home after a get-together, and when everyone awoke, or came to, the next morning, the homeowner discovered there had been a jewel heist.

Lohan + Jewels = Theft.

The police were called to the home and interviewed everyone inside, including Lindsay, who was, they say, extremely cooperative. As of now, Lohan is not considered a suspect.

And I find that suspect.

Lohan has a history of sticky fingers, and even an arrest for being a little too familiar with theft. But I also blame the homeowners because when you invite Lohan to your home, you hide the jewels, the cash, the drugs, the booze....Hell, just don't invite Lohan to your home.

Even I learned that lesson.

American Idol hasn't even started and already Mariah 'Mimi' Carey is acting the diva...and eating everything in sight at the craft services table.

See, it has been confirmed that un-certifiably insane Nicki Minaj is the latest judge at AI's rotating table of judges and already Mariah is throwing a publicity-laden fit about it.

It seems that when producers called Mimi with the news that Nicki would also be a judge, Mariah hung up on them. Now, to be fair, she could have been furious about it, or maybe she heard the ice cream truck ringing its bell and took off down the road.

But sources--and you just know it's that gossipy hen, and closet case, Ryan Seacrest--say that Mariah was told she'd be the only woman on the judge’s panel, and now they've gone ahead and hired another woman?

And a much younger woman, too, as Nicki is just 29 to Mariah's 71.

And it could get uglier, because there still might be a chance that Randy Jackson is leaving and that would leave a third, very large, chair to fill. And if Jackson stays, rumor has it that the show might hire another male judge, a fourth judge a la The X Factor, to round out the table--and with Mimi and Randy they gonna need a round table, with a Lazy Susan in the middle filled with goodies.

I loathe Taylor Swift. I find her talentless. I find that she only sings songs about how boys are mean to her. I also find that stupid face she makes every time she wins an award to be the phoniest piece of acting since Cindy Crawford in Fair Game. And, apparently, Taylor has a large head and thinks she's somehow above it all.

She has been dating younger boy, Conor Kennedy, and he was invited to another Kennedy wedding last weekend, but never RSVP'd. When he and Taylor showed up, they were asked to leave, and Taylor refused.

White trash rudeness, y'all.

A source at the hotel--and you know it was a gay bellhop--says he saw Taylor Swift being asked, by mother of the bride Victoria Gifford Kennedy, to leave the Fairmont Copley Plaza hotel where her daughter, Kyle Kennedy, was marrying Liam Kerr.

Victoria says, "[Conor and Taylor] texted me an hour before the wedding and asked if they could come. I responded with a very clear, ‘Please do not come.’ They came anyway. ... I personally went up to Ms. Swift, whose entrance distracted the entire event, politely introduced myself to her, and asked her as nicely as I could to leave. It was like talking to a ghost. She seemed to look right past me.”

Swift’s spokeswoman Paula Erikson insisted it was not true: “There is no truth to that. Taylor was invited to the wedding and the bride thanked her profusely for being there.”

Let's see...a Kennedy wedding takes probably a year to plan and Taylor had glommed onto Conor in the last month or so, so the idea that she was invited seems like a stretch. Conor, sure; Taylor, not so much.

But, you know, she's Taylor Swift and she does what she pleases, and I'm sure there will be a song about a Mean Bride Mama coming soon from that hack country singer.

I really haven't mentioned Kristen Stewart’s affair with her Snow White and The Huntsman director, Rupert Sanders, because, well, I don't care for the moody, pouty, plain Jane looking Stewart. And I'm not a fan of her pasty big haired ex-boyfriend Rob Pattinson either, so the whole business of her kissing/screwing/fondling or whatever seemed stupid to me and rated a big who cares.

But now her PR people are spinning her tryst with a married man and trying to make Stewart look more pitiful than she already appears. She's sad, they say, super sad, spiraling into depression sad. Kristen is ALLEGEDLY “crying herself to sleep” and her friends fear that she is having some kind of “meltdown”. Um, because she got caught cheating on her boyfriend with a married, older, man?

But, in addition to playing the pity card, Team Stewart is also playing the She-Was seduced game. Team Kristen is Sanders manipulated her! He’s older! He’s powerful! And she’s an idiot! Oops. That wasn't team Stewart, that was me. He took advantage of her! She’s not to blame because she’s just a dumb kid! 

And the kicker: they never had sex. Oh, no sex. She just fondled, groped, canoodled, kissed and caressed him in secret behind her boyfriend's back.

Kristen Stewart will have to double-down on the acting classes if she wants anyone to believe she's an innocent victim.

I loved me some American Horror Story, and I love that it’s coming back with a whole new story, but with one of my fave actresses Jessica Lange. And now, of course, since Lange is on a roll for her role in AHS there are all kinds of gossip circulating about herm like….She’s turned lesbian…because, you know, it’s just that easy.

But, seriously, The Enquirer—that bastion of honest journalism—is claiming that sixty-three-year-old—and looking dayum foine for 63—Jessica Lange is having a love affair with her AHS co-star, thirty-seven-year-old Sarah Paulson.

The story plays the vague card as to whether Lange and Paulson were, um, girl-on-girlfriends before they started working on AHS or if the lovin’ started onset. But, the story does say that the two women have been friends for years, and that Paulson was there to lend a helping hand—and I’m not going anywhere with that one—when Lange’s twenty-seven-year non-marriage to Sam Shepard ended a few years back.

A source—and I’m wondering if it isn’t Latex Man, who might not be in season two of AHS—says, “Jessica and Sarah’s friendship has recently blossomed into a full-on romance. They’ve been dating for the past year, but they’ve been close friends for much longer than that.” And Latex Man goes on to say that Jessica turned to Sarah after her relationship with Shepard ended in 2009: “Sarah was a good friend and a shoulder to cry on. Eventually, their friendship blossomed into love.”

Cuz that always happens when someone consoles you. If that was the case, I would’a turned straight any number of times a friend had a bad breakup and wanted to talk, but I digress.

But, and this is where it gets sticky—and, again, not going anywhere with that—Paulson once dated out and proud Lesbian actress, Cherry Jones, but has had a “crush” on Lange since 2005, when they appeared on Broadway together in “The Glass Menagerie.”

“Jessica’s always been a free spirit who doesn’t like to put labels on people. She says she loves whoever [sic] she loves, and Sarah makes her really happy,” or so says Latex man.

Hmm, could be. Might not be. I’ll play Joy Behar and say, o what? Who cares?”

I just wants me some AHS and Jessica Lange back on my TV. But, Jessica’s people are talking, and they are saying, “This story is completely fabricated and untrue.”

Maybe they are just good friends then.

Why are these two still together? Jennifer Lopez and Casper “The Friendly Queer” Smart?

I mean, ALLEGEDLY the two have been having a rough time of it since Casper went to a peep show—a male peep show?—the day before JLo’s 75^th birthday, which was about a month ago. Now, it’s true, Casper was either at the peep show, or he was at a gay club in the backroom or he was at an exotic massage parlor. Casper’s story keeps changing. Peep show? Maybe. Gay bar? I can see it. Massage parlor? Who is he, Travolta? But then he said he was getting a tattoo. I’m thinking it was on his ass and said, Servants Enter From The Rear. But, again, I’m just guessing.

Since then, people have been telling JLo to dump his tatted butt, and she has turned all Fatal Attraction to catch him in a lie. A source—and you know it’s a bartender from the ManHole—says, “She’s been checking Casper’s phone to see if he’s cheating.”

And he seems to know about it, according to another “source”—and it might be one of those kids JLo totes around. They say, “Casper told JLo he is paranoid that he’s being followed, and she said, ‘You’re damn right you’re being followed. The whole world is watching you! If you f—k up one more time, it’s over!’”

Now, get me my shoes!

Oh, that’s why she keeps him around. They wear the same size shoes.

Finally we can all relax. The Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes “marriage”—for lack of a better word—is actually over.

And she’s come out smelling like a half-a-million dollar rose, and he can’t over to pay for dinner. No, that last part is true. See, Tommy and his entourage of hot boys racked up a huge bill at a curry restaurant in London, and all Tom had was an American Express card and they don’t do no AMEX. One of his underlings had to pick up the tab. Ouch.

Maybe he should ask Katie for a loan. See, although people are saying that, since there was no Beard Prenup, Katie has walked away with a “modest” yearly child support in the amount of $400,))) a year, or a little more than a thou a day. Now, let’s play poor Katie when we hear that because of the no prenup biz, she gets no money from Cruising Tom.

I feel so bad. Not. I mean, who cares if Katie didn’t get any alimony? She.Got.Her.Freedom. She pulled a fast one on the Wee Dicktator. And, she gets to publicly say that she got nothing from Tommy Grrl because she wanted nothing from Tommy Grrl except for the keys to the cell. Win. Win.

And, in addition to the 400K that Tom will pay annually for the next twelve years—till Suri hits eighteen—unless the courts decide the girl needs a bigger allowance, and he must also pay all of her other expense, like medical, dental, insurance, education, college and extracurricular costs.

Grrl better work at making successful movies in order to keep Suri afloat. Of course, he’ll save money because he won’t need any more lifts for his shoes now. Unless, and this could happen, he finds another nubile young wannabe looking to hitch their wagon to his teeny star in exchange for looking all giddy and happy and in love.

And being a prisoner in Beverly Hills.

ALLEGEDLY.

Salma Hayek. I’m not much of a fan though I did like her better during the Lesbian Rumor years when she and Penelope Cruz were thisclose.

But now I have reason to like her even less.

See, Salma shot some pictures, and sat for an interview with Vogue Germany and, well, she kinda stuck her foot in her mouth and a lot of her peeps are not happy with her.

No, not her rich bitch, married to Parisian billionaire friends, or her Hollywood friends, but her people, from Mexico.

Salma was raised in Mexico, which makes this comment kind of off-putting: “Honestly, I hardly had any memories of what it is to be Mexican. My life is completely different now.”

Can you smell the problem? Let’s repeat: “Honestly, I hardly had any memories of what it is to be Mexican. My life is completely different now.” 

Now, I know what she meant; she’s come a long way since growing up in Mexico. She’s a semi-big star, and she married a French man with more money than France. But, um, she sounds like she’s dissing Mexico.

Like being Mexican is so bad she’s lucky to have forgotten it.

Some Hispanic people, and their blogs—and you know how bitchy people with blogs can be…I mean, look where you are—are saying things like, “What did Salma mean by basically saying she forgot what it’s like to be a Mexican woman? That she’s too French and rich for our blood?” Now her peeps, and not the French ones or the Hollywood ones or the Mexican ones, but the ones who rely on Salma for their paychecks are scrambling, claiming “the whole thing has been lost in translation [and] Salma is not disparaging Mexico in any way.” 

Um, I kinda believe it, but it’ll be a hard sell in Mexico.

El burro sabe mas que Salma.