Emmy Fashions: Hits, Misses and D-i-sasters

BEST

Evan Rachel Wood. Sure, it may seem a little dull, but there’s an edgy, sexy, danger to its simplicity. My only complaint is that the hair could have been better, but she scares me a little in this … and I like it.

BETTER

Thandie Newton and Tracee Ellis Ross, the new Pink Ladies for a Grease reboot. Thandie is sleek and elegant, while Tracee, like her mother, brought it.

VERY GOOD

Megan Mullally and Sarah Paulson. I love the bold pattern and color on Megan, and the fact that it’s sheer but not slutty sheer. As for Sarah … she can do no wrong in my book, on the screen or on a carpet.

Kristen Bell and Samira Wiley. Polar opposites, and yet …Kristen took basic shite and made it simple and chic, while Samira added some glitz, but still kept it classy.

GOOD clockwise

Heidi Klum usually looks a wreck, but maybe her new boyfriend had a say in what she wore, because it’s sexy and classy and looks like just one dress, for a change.

Judith Light. I have been a fan since One Life to Live and she never disappoints; bold and sleek.

Sandra Oh, from one of my favorite shows last year, Killing Eve, looks elegant and simple and kinda sexy.

Yara Shahidi. Cool and edgy and young and hip; that’s who she is, that’s how she dresses.

MEH

Amanda Peete and Issa Rae. Amanda looks drab, from the hair to the makeup to the godawful dress. Issa, on the other hand, wore color, although Nursery Blue isn’t a good choice; I like the pants idea, but the rest is kinda fussy.

Jessica Biel and Penelope Cruz. White hot messes. Jessica looks like the dress is wearing her and PenCru never met a feathered ball gown she didn’t love.

Laura Dern and Rachel Brosnahan. Dern looks like Dominatrix Librarian Mortician, while Brosnahan looks good, but the dress should have been worn by someone with a little more up top …and I’m a gay man so that isn’t sexist.

Alexis Bledel and Allison Janney. Alexis is 37 and that dress looks like a dress for a middle school girl; Janney looks like Old Hollywood, but not in that classic way, but in that “Didn’t Joan Collins wear this when she threw Linda Evans in a pool on Dynasty” kinda of way.

Regina King. God, I think she’s a brilliant actress—I mean, she was on 227 fer chrissakes and now she’s a double Emmy winner—but this dress and its weird flat oval bodice does her no favors.

BAD

Chrissy Teigen and Gwendoline Christie. Chrissy is young and fun, but this dress makes her look like she fought Allison Janney for another Joan Collins masterpiece. Gwen, on the other hand, looks like she’s channeling her show, Game of Thrones, but she shouldn’t have sat down in it …the wrinkles ruin it.

Keri Russel and Kristin Cavallari. Keri looks like a Goth stripper, while Kristin went back to her old Hills drag; someone should tell her that the 90s, especially the 90s hair, are over.

Many Moore and Tina Fey look like they both bought the same bolt of fabric, but Many made a prom dress, while Tina went Mother of the Bride, with the addition of frilled straps … never a good idea.

Maya Rudolph and Sarah Silverman. Funny women in clothes that make me cry. Maya’s is old …dusty old, while Sarah’s makes her look like she dragged a black tablecloth out of Outback with her when she left.

UH OH clockwise

Leslie Jones shopped at the Men’s Wearhouse Liberace section.

Michelle Dockery thought she could pull off ballerina, but she should have pulled it off and made a different choice.

Millie Bobby Brown looks like she’s wearing an inexpensive pillow case balloon.

Tiffany Haddish heard that color would be big at the Emmy’s, so she went with every single color.

WTF 

Jennifer Lewis. I get that she’s making a pro-Colin Kaepernick statement, but it still looks like she barely tried.

WORST

Louise Roe and Taraji P. Henson. I don’t know who Roe is, and I don’t care; I simply think she should be sent to Fashion Jail for that mess because jail is the only place that dress works. As for Taraji …if you ripped off that hideous train, you’d have a hot mini; as it stands, it looks like she bought a mini-dress, and someone hooked a ballgown in the same fabric to her back.

THE VERY WORST

Elisabeth Moss. She clearly didn’t even try, so I won’t eit—

THE MEN

BEST

Luke Evans and Sterling K. Brown …my Husbands In My Head … yes, again! Luke is openly gay and openly hot in a mother%king plaid tuxedo, and Sterling just smolders ……...

CLASSIC MEN clockwise

Milo Ventimiglia, Lakeith Stanfield, Trevor Noah, Matt Smith, John Legend and Edgar Ramirez. Milo and Lakeith rocked the white dinner jacket, while Trevor, Matt, John and Edgar kept it tasteful in blues. Sometimes all you need is a nice tuxedo and a smile to woo me.

FASHION MEN

Darren Criss, RuPaul and Nikolaj Coster-Waldau. Darren won an Emmy last night and his suit won my attention …edgy and cool. Ru went bold in white with a big pattern and some orange shoes because Ru can pull that off. Nikolaj, in brown velvet …hot coat, hotter man.

COUPLE MEN

Jwan Yosef and Ricky Martin. Just steamy and sexy and hot and Swedish and Latino; what more can I ask for?

WTF MEN clockwise

Tituss Burgess. None of it works; the tie, the jacket, the drapery pants and the Lost in Space boots. None of it.

Deon Cole. It’s all too much; the jacket and some black pants might have worked; the pants and a black jacket might have been better. This is a Couch Tuxedo.

Jonathan Van Ness, from Queer Eye, is just too Look at Me! And try hard.

Tracy Morgan appears to have completed his transition from man to full-fledged carton character.