Tuesday, January 13, 2015

A Golden Stream ... of Consciousness

I love Amy Poehler and Tina Fey … they keep it funny, and smart, and snarky … and sadly this is their last year unless the GGs cough up a boatload of cash for them to come back … I’ve started a GoFundMe page to add my own far-more-than-two-cents … Jennifer Aniston coming up the stairs to meet Benedict Cumberbatch shows almost all of the fine china as she climbs the stairs to present ... 
... Best Supporting Actor in a Motion Picture … to JK Simmons from Whiplash … he’s been around for years and has been in everything, but this is his first GG nom and win … pretty cool … Not cool are the next presenters, Fifty Shades of Grey co-stars, Dakota Johnson and Jamie Dornan, who prove on the stage that they have absolutely no chemistry whatsoever … to present ... 
... Best Supporting Actress in a Series, Miniseries, or TV Movie to … Joanne Froggatt … Missus Bates wins a Globe! … Froggatt gives a lovely speech about playing a rape victim, and giving voice to those women who might have otherwise stayed silent … plus … Missus Bates won a Globe! … I’m a Downton queen, dontcha know …
MY FAVORITE JOKES OF THE NIGHT BREAK: … George Clooney married Amal Alamuddin this year. Amal is a human rights lawyer who worked on the Enron case, was an advisor to Kofi Annan regarding Syria, and was selected for a three-person UN commission investigating rules of war violations in the Gaza Strip. So tonight, her husband is getting a Lifetime Achievement award …
Jennifer Lopez, wearing a blanket presents with the not-closeted-not-gay Jeremy Renner … Best Series, Mini-series or TV Movie … to Fargo … I’ve tried to watch it but it’s like watching paint dry … painted in a color you hate … and on something you didn’t want to paint … JLo, or as Carlos calls her, Jell-O, and Renner present another award, but first they hand of the Jeremy Renner is a Pig Award to … Jeremy Renner for using his time in front of millions to talk about JLo’s “globes” … Lovely way to speak to a woman you don’t know on national TV and prove to us all you’re a dick … 
... Best Actor in a Series, Mini-series or TV Movie … Billy Bob Thornton, Fargo, who gave a speech about how he wasn’t going to talk … or something … Siddown Billy, you haven’t been relevant since La Jolie … Naomi Watts in high-wattage yellow presents Birdman
MY FAVORITE JOKES OF THE NIGHT BREAK: … Sleeping Beauty just thought she was getting coffee with Bill Cosby …
… and then Tina and Amy introduce a North Korean General, and journalist, Cho Yung Ja — AKA Margaret Cho — for an unfunny bit about North Korea that wasted both Meryl Streep and Michael Keaton … To bring back a little class, Hollywood Foreign Press Association president, Theo Kingma, gives a speech about films and freedom of speech … North Korea and Je suis Charlie  … Colin Firth steps out to introduce The Imitation Game and takes a moment to honor Alan Turing, who was criminalized for being gay and yet marginalized for being a hero … Kerry Washington and Bryan Cranston are up to present ... 
… Best Actress in a TV Series … Jane The Virgin’s Gina Rodriguez, who gives a lovely speech about being taught by her parents to dream big … Look out for Gina, she’s looking like the next big thing … Kerry and Bryan also present Best TV Series, Comedy or Musical … Amazon’s Transparent, whose creator dedicates the award to trans people like Leelah Alcorn, who take their own lives because they don’t feel accepted …
MY FAVORITE JOKES OF THE NIGHT BREAK: … North Korea referred to The Interview as absolutely intolerable and a wanton act of terror … not the worst review the movie got …
Melissa McCarthy comes out looking …. And I said it earlier … very cool and cute … to present St. Vincent … followed by Sienna Miller and Vince Vaughan … who has a bigger forehead than Tyra Banks … never thought that possible … Best Original Score in a Movie … The Theory of Everything’s Jóhann Jóhannsson … then Prince strolls out in one of Judy’s old stage costumes, and a bad wig, to the shrieks of the audience who have suddenly become fangirls, to present ... 
... Best Original Song ... “Glory” from Selma … Common accepts with John Legend and gives a most eloquent speech: "I am the hopeful black woman who was denied her right to vote. I am the caring white supporter killed on the frontlines of freedom. I am the unarmed black kid who maybe needed a hand, but instead was given a bullet. I am the two police officers murdered in the line of duty. 'Selma' has awakened my humanity." … didn’t hurt that he was hot … 
... but the moment was almost stolen when the camera lingered on Oprah, who set down the chicken long enough to bite her lip, pretend to cry and check to see if the cameraman got her biting her lip and pretending to cry …
MY FAVORITE JOKES OF THE NIGHT BREAK: … Boyhood proves there are still great roles for women over forty, provided you get hired for the role when you’re under forty…
… Katie Holmes and Seth Meyers are next and I keep wondering what is wrong with Katie’s face … everything is lopsided and the makeup is so heavy that she just looks pissed off … even when joking about how the Globes’ losers get a coupon for a Free Breakfast at the Beverly Hilton …
... Best Supporting Actor, TV Series, Mini-series or Movie … Matt Bomer … Katie further inspires my ire when she calls him Matt Bommer … but My-Husband-In-My-Head kisses some guy … he says he’s his husband … whatever … and gives a lovely speech where he thanks his husband … though he calls me by a different name … go figure and three children … plus, he’s so beautiful why doing it all … Clive Own appears to present The Theory of Everything … he’s sweating like the proverbial pig and that’s when I realize everyone on the crowd is glistening … I learned the next day that the AC was in and out … Movie star sweat still smells like poor people sweat so that must have been one musky room …
MY FAVORITE JOKES OF THE NIGHT BREAK: … Who would you rather … Colin Farrell or Colin Firth … Farrell all day and Firth for a polite amount of time … Ed Norton or Mark Ruffalo … I’d go with mark because everyone knows I like it Ruffalo … Chris Pine or … Chris Pine! …
… and then we get Ricky Gervais … still holding a drink like he always does … still telling jokes about the over-privileged people of Hollywood like he always does … don’t ask him to host, HFPA, please ...
… Best Actress in a  Movie Comedy … Amy Adams, who is so stunned she won that she gives a speech that seems to imply she’s hired a surrogate to carry twins for her which is so not true … I’m guessing Amy was wishing she could have a do-over as soon as she left the stage … Salma Hayek and Tiny Man Kevin Hart … Hart is the King of Misogyny because he asks the audience to applaud because Salma looks good … and then he hijacks the entire segment with his, what passes for, comedy … He needs to sit down, in a booster seat preferably … Best Animated Feature … How To Train Your Dragon 2 … Kate Hudson and her Boobs … and, yes, her rockin’ body, present Into The Woods … then we have Jared Leto in an awful suit, an awful beard, a cool braid, and a moment to show support for Freedom of Speech … Je Suis Charlie ... 
… Best supporting Actress in a Movie … Patricia Arquette who actually pulled out a sheet of binder paper to read from … Oy …
MY FAVORITE JOKES OF THE NIGHT BREAK:  … The Theory of Everything … crippling nerve disease and complicated math …
… Tina and Amy and Cho Yung Ja return to the stage and they are still not funny … Luckily Kristen Wiig and Bill Hader come out to present ... 
... Best Screenplay … and crack one another, and the audience , up, with their take on movie lines … the award, though, went to Birdman scribes Alejandro González Iñárritu, Nicolás Giacobone and Alexander Dinelaris … I was taken by Giacobone and his fabulous hair though … Jack Black steps out to introduce Boyhood and beg for a job from Boyhood director … and cutie patootie … Richard Linklater … Lily Tomlin … just married on NYE … and Jane Fonda present ... 
... Best Actor in TV Series, Comedy or Musical … to Jeffrey Tambor of Transparent … followed by Lupita Nyong’o and Colin Farrell … rockin’ the porn ‘stache and lookin’ hot … him, not her … Best Foreign Language Film  … Leviathan … and then Kate Beckinsale and Adrien Brody … who is odd looking and oddly hot to me ...
… Best Actress in a Series, Mini-series or TV Movie … Maggie Gyllenhaal … The Honorable Woman … would have been more honorable to let her hot brother accept the ward … just sayin’ … Paul Rudd … cute and hot ,,, and Adam Levine … not and not … Best TV Drama … The Affair … which I liked once I got into it and past some 0 f the moroseness of it all … Catherine Zeta Jones comes out with a bad case of the ‘Bo to resent Pride … but I keep wondering what happened to her face … no pride at all …
MY FAVORITE JOKES OF THE NIGHT BREAK: … In Foxcatcher, Steve Carell plays a paranoid, murderous billionaire … the role was a stretch for Carell, who, in real life, is a paranoid murderous millionaire …
… followed by Hollywood pariah Katherine Heigl and David Duchovny … she makes a lame joke about these five male characters being on a dating site and which one she would date … the joke goes flatter than her career ... one State of Affairs is canceled ...
... Best Actor TV Series Drama … Kevin Spacey for House of Cards who co-opts Cher’s ‘I’m not someone but I’m on my way’ Oscar speech with his riff about wanting to do ‘better’ … I guess by 'better' he meant bring an actual date, and a female who isn't his mother, to an wards show ... just sayin' ... Julianna Margulies and Don Cheadle step out to present the ... 
... Cecille B. de Mille Lifetime Achievement Award winner, Mr. Amal Alamuddin Clooney, and riff of which one if his better friend … She: Have you ever toured a disaster area with him? … He: Yes, I visited the set of ‘Monuments Men.’ … Ouch … Clooney gives a nice speech about movies and how no one is a loser because by being actors they’ve already grabbed the Brass Ring, but saves the best part for saying to his wife, It’s a humbling thing to find someone to love … Owen Wilson presents The Grand Budapest Hotel 
MY FAVORITE JOKES OF THE NIGHT BREAK: … In Into The Woods, Meryl Streep plays a witch who sends the townspeople on a magical quest to help her win another Golden Globe …
… Harrison Ford … Carlos was freaked out that he looked so old and not at all like he did when he played Han Solo nearly forty years ago ...
… Best Director Movie … Richard Linklater … and now I have a crush on that totes adorbs man … plus he just seemed so down-to-earth and humble ... though I might have to get him to work on his hair a bit ... Anna Faris and Chris Pratt do a comedy bit about being a mixed couple … She’s CBS … He’s NBC … they’ll raise their kids HBO … cute ...
… Best Actress TV Series Drama … Ruth Wilson The Affair … she really was quite brilliant in that show ... plus she scores major bonus points for talking about the beauty of Dominic West’s ass … I've seen it, though not as up close and personal as she, and I concur … Amy Adams is back and I’m hoping she’s not going to give us a newly edited version of her speech …
... Best Actor Motion Picture Comedy … Michael Keaton … he gave a great speech about where he's from and how he made it to Hollywood, but then he choked up talking about his best friend ... his son … I was getting all cynical about it ... I hate to see people sob when they win something ... until the cameras lingered on said son ... 
... Sean ... Hot Hot Hot … Oprah waddles out to present Selma and thankfully kept her yammering ... and her phony tears ... short …  because next up was Channing Tatum … a prime piece of beefcake .. to present Foxcatcher … ... Sidenote: Channing's ass makes an appearance in the film ... then Robert Downey Jr … looking like he just doesn’t care to be there and I'm getting over that from him ... presents ... 
... Best Motion Picture Comedy … The Grand Budapest Hotel … Wes Anderson accepts looking like a cute nerd and proceeds to thank the HFPA by mentioning them all by their first names …
MY FAVORITE JOKES OF THE NIGHT BREAK:  … Selma. In the 1960s, all over America, people came together with one common goal … to form Sly and the Family Stone …
… Matthew McConaughey is up and we are thankfully short on time so he won’t get to ramble … though he does speak in a crazy Southern drawl ...
… Best Actress in a Motion Picture Drama … Julianne Moore for Still Alice … she finally gets her Globe and thanks her hot husband Bart Freundlich … she's like Meryl Streep ... she always gets nominated but, unlike Streep, she never seems to win ... until now ... Paltrow is up next … with some new chipmunk cheeks but an old Forever 21 bubblegum gown ...
… Best Actor in a Motion Picture Drama … Eddie Redmayne … so adorable … so British … I want one .. a Redmayne not a Globe … and finally Meryl; steps out to present Best Picture to Boyhood and we get another glimpse of Linklater and then it’s over … a hair over three hours … not a bad show … a lot of first time awards given and a lot of people who always win going home empty … I like … sad that Fey and Poehler are out … unless we raise those coins, y’all … and here’s hoping the HFPA doesn’t go Gervais again … what did YOU think?

5 comments:

the dogs' mother said...

I rely on you for much more entertaining reporting than the actual broadcast. So good job!!

Bob Slatten said...

Hey thanks! I does what I can!

Raybeard said...

Aw, no Renee Zellwegger there? Or has she morphed into Michael Keaton by now?

Mark in DE said...

I'm sure its a hard job to host an awards show, but Tina & Amy do a great job. I was so happy that "Transparent" won!

Robert said...

I enjoy the Globes, but my favorite night is Grammy night - oh the snarking I will do!