I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

So ... Rosie's gone from The View, but she left a bit of carnage in her wake, and one of the bodies floating in the water is Whoopi Goldberg.

See, Rosie O’Donnell’s departure from the show has derailed negotiations for Whoopi to star in a new ABC prime-time series, Delores and Jermaine. Sources say Whoopi was set to leave the daytime show to star in the new show, but with Rosie's sudden departure, View producers put the kibosh on that.

Goldberg has downplayed any drama, saying:

“I’ve always been able to come and go as I choose. It’s been in the contract to allow me to go and make movies if I wanted to or do something if I wanted to. ... but I also have bosses. They make decisions … sometimes you don’t like them and you have to live with them.”

Sounds like she's nursing the wounds inflicted by Tropical Depression Rosie.

Emile Hirsch is working on himself, or so his people say, after he ALLEGEDLY entered rehab on the heels of the news that he’s being charged with assault for ALLEGEDLY attacking a woman at Tao nightclub during the Sundance Film Festival last month.

His attorney, and for once the bad boy [or girl] celebrity isn't being represented by Shawn Holley, Robert Offer says:

“The facts that I can relay are that he consumed an enormous amount of alcohol on the evening in question and he doesn’t have any memory of what happened at the time of the allegations. However, Emile takes these allegations very seriously, and is devastated that any of this has occurred. A few days after the incident, Emile sought help and checked himself into an alcohol rehabilitation facility, where he remains today, to ensure nothing like this ever happens again. Emile is continuing to cooperate fully with authorities.”

According to the complaint, Hollywood exec Daniele Bernfeld says she was choked by Hirsch who called her a “rich kid” at the onset of the confrontation. He then pulled her across the table and onto the floor, where he landed on top of her. While Hirsch was on top of Bernfeld he wrapped his hands around her neck, choking her.

Hirsch, while acknowledging that he attacked Bernfeld after having "three to four alcoholic beverages" at the club.

Wow. it takes just three drinks to turn Emile Hirsch into a batterer? Child get help, get help now. Maybe he should get Shawn Holley; she has a way of getting people off these kinds of charges.

Reese Witherspoon would like people to think she's America’s Sweetheart, and she's really playing up that part in her hunt for an Oscar tomorrow night ... though Julianna Moore will win and send Reese to the nearest bar empty-handed ... but I digress ...

But, according to sources at CAA, where her husband Jim Toth is a high-powered agent, whenever Witherspoon comes to their offices, it's every man, or woman, for himself.

“Reese is anything but sweet,” says a CAA source — and it's not Lohan because CAA wouldn't touch her. The source goes on to say that staffers are terrified of rubbing her the wrong way, so they bend over backwards to please her.

They must always have her favorite brands of tea, bottled water and juice on hand, but they must never expect a Thank You from Witherspoon; she refuses to remove her sunglasses so no one can make eye contact with her.

Don't they know who she is?

So, a week ago we heard that Nicole Scherzinger and her boyfriend, Formula One driver Lewis Hamilton, split up after seven years together. But Nicole isn’t one to sit home and nurse a broken heart, apparently, because she’s suddenly taken to “hanging out” with the also-newly-single, former Mr. Mariah Carey, Nick Cannon.

And this might be a plus for Team Nick because rumor has it that Mimi hates … hates … Nicole because the former Pussycat Dolls singer had a brief fling with Nick before he wed Mariah in 2008.

Nick and Nicole — their mash-up name is …. Nicole — have to be apart for now because she is currently in Cats — that show is still running? — in London and he’s here, though they have been Skype-flirting.

Next up: Mimi goes JLo and gets herself a twenty-something back-up dancer to toy with.

Justin Bieber has finally run into someone he can’t push around: a judge in Miami who is demanding the man-boy appear in person  to participate in a mediation hearing for a lawsuit filed by photographer Jeffrey Binion who says Bieber ordered his minions to assault Binion.

But The Biebs claims he is just too busy working on a new album to show up for the hearing and tossed in the argument that he would have to spend $64,000 to fly him and his entourage into town on his private jet and it just wasn’t worth it.

Binion’s lawyers aren’t playing, and have suggested to the judge to tell the diminutive “rapper” to take a commercial flight that would cost far less … or maybe, try traveling like an adult and leave your handlers at home; lotsa children fly solo these days.

The judge agreed with Binion’s team and is demanding that Bieber show his face in Miami before the March 20 hearing.

Kris Jenner wants to change her name now that she’s no longer Bruce’s wife, but, well, here it is:

She wants to go by Kris; just Kris. Like Cher … or Madonna … or Jesus.

I’m suggesting she legally change her name to That Woman — always italicized —because that sounds good: “Tonight on Kimmel! That Woman!

And add in the exclamation point since she made a name for herself as a pimping mother on E!

That Woman!

Lindsay Lohan — who said a few months ago that she would stay in London because LA is not her home any more — has moved home to LA and taken up residence, again, at the Chateau Marmont.

She’ll be in LA for awhile — because that’s where her court case are usually handled — to show the judge that she completed all 240 hours of her community service. If you remember, the prosecutor Terry White has been going over the hours that Lohan ALLEGEDLY completed through the London-based group, Community Service Volunteers, and is curious as to how and why meet-and-greets with fans after her Speed-the-Plow shows counts as “community” service. He also wants to know how letting,. Ahem, “disadvantaged youth” follow Lohan around as assistants covers her ass in community service fulfillment, too. 

And then there’s this: Lohan has ALLEGEDLY gotten Esurance, the company she did a Super Bowl commercial for, to donate $10,000 to Community Service Volunteers by convincing the company heads by saying that she likes what the organization has done to help poor children.

The prosecutor is now wondering if the $10,000 donation to CSV is more of a bribe to keep the story going that Lohan actually did any community service at all while in London.

Well, that certainly sounds Lohan, eh?