Monday, February 09, 2015

Grammy Fashions: Highs, Lows, Rihanna ... Donald Glover

There was a lot of sheer last night—proving lots of glimpses into underwear choice—and some did it okay, and some did it not so good.
But Jessie J really showed how it needs to be done. Sleek and sexy and feminine but not at all trashy.
Ciara in couture. Not everyone could put this off — and I imagine not everyone could put this on — but if you’re gonna bring haute couture to the Grammys, this is how it’s done.

Gwen Stefani finally decided to stop dressing like a schoolgirl and wore a little fun.  That Funhouse bodice could have gone oh so wrong, making her boobs look oddly shaped, but it works.
Miley? Miley Cyrus? Yup, because she decided not to go utterly white trash, and she apparently kept her tongue in her mouth, and channeled her inner Sharon Stone.

Nicki Minaj gets points for keeping those girls up and fluffed. I imagine there was some major infrastructure in that dress and yards of double-stick tape. But Nicki looks subtle, for Nicki.
Bobble-headed Ariana Grande always looks like she’s playing dress-up at these shows. Plus, seeing her interviewed by Ryan Seacrest when he’s standing to her left and yet she tries to keep her face pointing right to show off the left profile was high-larious.

Beyoncé. Or, should I call her Be-yawn-ce. Another black sheer dress and, well, get your phone out Bey and take a shot of Jessie J so you’ll know how it’s done when you do it … again.

Jennifer Hudson. God, I loves me some JHud but this is more like dinner out, not the Grammys. That girl is so hot, so striking, she could have rocked some fabulous, but instead she chose to play it safe.

Taylor Swift. I hate long skirts over mini-skirts. I hate the color, the fabric, the clunky shoes, the frozen hair, and that Kewpie Doll face. It’s all Meh, all the time.
Annie Lennox, proving you don’t need sheer or sparkles or hats or clunky shoos or ginormous boobs to look amazing.
Iggy Azalea looks okay in the dress, but that braid around her head looks like a basket I’d serve dinner rolls in at Thanksgiving. And since I haven’t seen that basket since last Turkey Day … ?

Katharine McPhee in a dress that completely washes her out and, well, let me explain her hair with a story: years back while tending bar, I worked at a place that had a popcorn machine, and the cocktails waitresses had to clean it and restock it every night. One night, Maria was doing the job, and someone bumped her and the bottle of oil atop the popcorn machine tipped over and drizzled oil all over her head. That’s McPhee last night.
Katie Perry. Sure, the lavender hair looks new and modern, but the dress, while clingy and a bit sheer, says old Hollywood glamour, like Joan Crawford done up like Broderick Crawford in drag.

Gaga. Yes, we know, you did an album of standards with Tony Bennett, but do you have to dress like an old standard? Where’s the beef? Or the egg dress? And what’s with the pose to show off the perky girls? Try.Too.Hard.
Kat Graham in a dress inspired by The Swim of the Sperm … away from The Egg.
Charli XCX. For some reason I’m getting Prince from this outfit and I don’t know why.
Rita Ora. She almost slipped into the Grandma category with this Joey Heatherton looking knocking, but, well, Joey never looked like a Grandma.

Zendaya. She’s a year or so late to the ‘new’ pixie cut, but all I can think when I see this is the bedspread at a Motel 6. It’s that bad.
Kim Kardashian looks like she’s a boxer entering the ring at a prize fight. And she stuffed her boxing gloves in her top.

Madonna; still playing Desperately Seeking … Attention. Some called it “toreador,” but I call it “bor-eador.”
Unless you’re 87 months pregnant, or your dress is made of cupcakes and Hostess sno-cones, there is no excuse for this mess. I heard she needed three seats for the dress, but that it made a great dessert bar.
Juanes. I always include Juanes because he’s hot and Latin and because, since I met him in Miami years ago, he’s also very nice.

Ed Sheeran looking like a waiter just after his shift who snuck too many shots at the bar during work hours.

Hozier. He’s new — and I love his song ‘Take Me To Church’ — so he makes the list as the kind of anti-Grammy goer.

Sam Smith. Big winner in skinny jean pants. Stop. Stop it now.
THE MEN—Special Mention
Nick Jonas in a too-tight suit is a Red Bow-Tie away from being Pee Wee Herman. That is all.
THE MEN—Hotness Alert
Donald Glover. I have no idea who he is but he certainly piqued my interest last night. A Google search reveals he is an actor, writer, comedian, rapper, singer, and producer who also goes by the name Childish Gambino. Yeah, he’s hot.
Once again it the Burtka-Harris’ — David and Neil Patrick. I used to be of a mind that David was lucky to be with Neil, but after seeing David in the AHS: Freak Show finale, and seeing him here, maybe NPH is the lucky one? Oh hell, they’re both lucky. Cute and gay and married.


Ron said...

Mr. Blackwell, you can stop spinning in your grave now, your successor has arrived. Bob, your review was fabulous! Thank you, thank you, thank you!


Greg said...

You didn't even mention that woman who wore the metallic viking outfit!

the dogs' mother said...

Excellent reportage as usual.

I like that Madonna set a new standard for 50+ women. Hike up your dress and show your bare bum to the world.

Susan said...

Even though I still can barely stand to see a picture of her, I have to admit, this was the best Miley has looked in forever! Kim K. did not disappoint, showing once again her utter lack of understanding in how to dress for any occasion.

Your comments, Bob, were as always, spot on and a hoot to read. Thanks so much for being you! :)

Helen Lashbrook said...

KKK, sorry KK, looked as though she was wearing a sparkly bathrobe having just come out of the shower and walked straight out onto the red carpet by mistake

Ms Sparrow said...

You don't know who Danny Glover is? You gotta start watching "Community", man!

Mark in DE said...

Your reviews and comments are were fun and snarky, and I agreed with most of them. Where I will disagree is Kat Graham's dress - I love it!!!

Mark in DE said...

Your reviews and comments are were fun and snarky, and I agreed with most of them. Where I will disagree is Kat Graham's dress - I love it!!!

RobbDelman said...

I may be eons out of touch, but who WAS the cupcake lady?
-and Donald Glover is the second best reason to watch "Community" (gotta have my Joel).

Professor Chaos said...

I still think Miley Cyrus looked trashy - those cutouts-ugh!

Annie Lennox can wear whatever she wants and will always be the coolest person in the room.

Mistress Maddie said...

I do believe the Grammys and the American Music Awards are the two awards shows where anything goes, and you can get funky and edgier and get away with it. But that big pink dress literally takes the cake!!!!! The only time a dress is called for that big, is to smuggle men under.

Raybeard said...

Danny Glover - new one on me too. Definitely steam-room temperature, on the higher end of the scale.

Biki Honko said...

Annie Lennox won the fashion award IMO. She looked fabulous.

And while Jennifer Hudson wasn't dressed to wow, she did look tasteful and happy.

Some one needs to sit Madonna down and remind her of her age, it looks as though she is never going to age gracefully.

Has Gaga decided to attempt the blonde bombshell look now?

Donald Glover, his eyes just pull me in.....damn he one fine looking fella!

Debbie said...

BOB!!!! LMAO!!!! OMG .... breafe .... LAMO!!!!