Grammy Fashions: Highs, Lows, Rihanna ... Donald Glover

THE BEST OF THE BEST

There was a lot of sheer last night—proving lots of glimpses into underwear choice—and some did it okay, and some did it not so good.

But Jessie J really showed how it needs to be done. Sleek and sexy and feminine but not at all trashy.

THE REST OF THE BEST

Ciara in couture. Not everyone could put this off — and I imagine not everyone could put this on — but if you’re gonna bring haute couture to the Grammys, this is how it’s done.

Gwen Stefani finally decided to stop dressing like a schoolgirl and wore a little fun.  That Funhouse bodice could have gone oh so wrong, making her boobs look oddly shaped, but it works.

THE GOOD

Miley? Miley Cyrus? Yup, because she decided not to go utterly white trash, and she apparently kept her tongue in her mouth, and channeled her inner Sharon Stone.

Nicki Minaj gets points for keeping those girls up and fluffed. I imagine there was some major infrastructure in that dress and yards of double-stick tape. But Nicki looks subtle, for Nicki.

THE MEH

Bobble-headed Ariana Grande always looks like she’s playing dress-up at these shows. Plus, seeing her interviewed by Ryan Seacrest when he’s standing to her left and yet she tries to keep her face pointing right to show off the left profile was high-larious.

Beyoncé. Or, should I call her Be-yawn-ce. Another black sheer dress and, well, get your phone out Bey and take a shot of Jessie J so you’ll know how it’s done when you do it … again.

Jennifer Hudson. God, I loves me some JHud but this is more like dinner out, not the Grammys. That girl is so hot, so striking, she could have rocked some fabulous, but instead she chose to play it safe.

Taylor Swift. I hate long skirts over mini-skirts. I hate the color, the fabric, the clunky shoes, the frozen hair, and that Kewpie Doll face. It’s all Meh, all the time.

THE CLASSIC

Annie Lennox, proving you don’t need sheer or sparkles or hats or clunky shoos or ginormous boobs to look amazing.

THE HAIR DON’TS

Iggy Azalea looks okay in the dress, but that braid around her head looks like a basket I’d serve dinner rolls in at Thanksgiving. And since I haven’t seen that basket since last Turkey Day … ?

Katharine McPhee in a dress that completely washes her out and, well, let me explain her hair with a story: years back while tending bar, I worked at a place that had a popcorn machine, and the cocktails waitresses had to clean it and restock it every night. One night, Maria was doing the job, and someone bumped her and the bottle of oil atop the popcorn machine tipped over and drizzled oil all over her head. That’s McPhee last night.

GRAMMY GRANDMAS

Katie Perry. Sure, the lavender hair looks new and modern, but the dress, while clingy and a bit sheer, says old Hollywood glamour, like Joan Crawford done up like Broderick Crawford in drag.

Gaga. Yes, we know, you did an album of standards with Tony Bennett, but do you have to dress like an old standard? Where’s the beef? Or the egg dress? And what’s with the pose to show off the perky girls? Try.Too.Hard.

THE WORST

Kat Graham in a dress inspired by The Swim of the Sperm … away from The Egg.

Charli XCX. For some reason I’m getting Prince from this outfit and I don’t know why.

Rita Ora. She almost slipped into the Grandma category with this Joey Heatherton looking knocking, but, well, Joey never looked like a Grandma.

Zendaya. She’s a year or so late to the ‘new’ pixie cut, but all I can think when I see this is the bedspread at a Motel 6. It’s that bad.

THE WORST OF THE WORST

Kim Kardashian looks like she’s a boxer entering the ring at a prize fight. And she stuffed her boxing gloves in her top.

Madonna; still playing Desperately Seeking … Attention. Some called it “toreador,” but I call it “bor-eador.”

WTF

Unless you’re 87 months pregnant, or your dress is made of cupcakes and Hostess sno-cones, there is no excuse for this mess. I heard she needed three seats for the dress, but that it made a great dessert bar.

THE MEN

Juanes. I always include Juanes because he’s hot and Latin and because, since I met him in Miami years ago, he’s also very nice.

Ed Sheeran looking like a waiter just after his shift who snuck too many shots at the bar during work hours.

Hozier. He’s new — and I love his song ‘Take Me To Church’ — so he makes the list as the kind of anti-Grammy goer.

Sam Smith. Big winner in skinny jean pants. Stop. Stop it now.

THE MEN—Special Mention

Nick Jonas in a too-tight suit is a Red Bow-Tie away from being Pee Wee Herman. That is all.

THE MEN—Hotness Alert

Donald Glover. I have no idea who he is but he certainly piqued my interest last night. A Google search reveals he is an actor, writer, comedian, rapper, singer, and producer who also goes by the name Childish Gambino. Yeah, he’s hot.

BEST COUPLE

Once again it the Burtka-Harris’ — David and Neil Patrick. I used to be of a mind that David was lucky to be with Neil, but after seeing David in the AHS: Freak Show finale, and seeing him here, maybe NPH is the lucky one? Oh hell, they’re both lucky. Cute and gay and married.