I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

Y’all remember when LeAnn Rimes and Eddie Cibrian started schtupping while co-starring in a LameTime, er, Lifetime movie? They kept it quiet for awhile, until they showed up at a cheesy restaurant in Venice Beach where the paparazzi snapped them holding hands over a plate of chili fries and then all hell broke loose; and by “all hell,” I mean Eddie’s wife-at-the-time, Brandi Glanville.

But one person you didn’t hear from was LeAnn’s husband-at-the-time, Dean Sheremet. He kept himself on the Down Low — and not just because some folks assumed he was gay — and quietly accepted his settlement, er, Go Away check. He moved on to La Grande Apple, enrolled in culinary school and became a chef with a brand new second wife to call his own. But now, he’s ALLEGEDLY ready to talk about Life With LeAnn and has written a book about his marriage to the country crooning cheater.

A source — and, yeah, it’s probably Brandi — says Dean “has received multiple big-money offers from publishers and is deciding who to go with.” And based on their history — remember, she banged Serial Banger Cibrian about ten minutes after meeting him — this won’t paint LeAnn in a good light. Sources say she treated Dean like garbage, never showed any remorse for schtupping her married co-star, and though she gave him some spare change when they divorced, there was never any kind of signed Non-Disclosure Agreement.

Cue Julia Roberts in Pretty Women: “Big mistake. Huge!”

When we last left Lohan it appeared she’d made good on her probation by completing her community service from her arrest for … well, I forget; it was either drugs or drink or jewel theft or kidnapping. But now, Terry White, the prosecutor in her case, is calling bullshiz on the “service” and wants her to do it again or go directly to jail.

White says that London’s community service organization let Lohan do ridiculous things — like getting credit for 18 hours worth of service for meeting and greeting fans after her London play and not stealing their jewelry or running them over with her car — to fulfill her obligation. He also says she was credited with 70 hours for allowing young people to follow her around and carry her bags and her special bottles of “water.” 

He says Lohan had an obligation to inform the court of the types of community service she was doing and says she’s manipulated the system and should do jail time for not completing legitimate community service.

Lindsay’s lawyer, Shawn Holley, told the judge her client merely did what she was told to do by the community service organization, which may have sounded something like this:

Community Service Organization to Criminal Lohan: “Say Hello at the theater door, and let some kids follow you around and you’re done, m’kay?”

I want that kinda community service when I’m found guilty of reckless driving, kidnapping and jewel theft. I mean, c’mon, even Chris Brown had to scrub toilets ...

So … Sean Penn is a pig, but soon he may be Charlize Theron’s pig.

Y’all know that Penn was married to Madonna for a hot minute, and then was married to Robin Wright for about fifteen years? Well, those don’t count in Penn’s mind, apparently, because he says he believes that, if he marries Theron, it would be his first marriage:

“Yes, I’d get married again. You say I’ve been married twice before but I’ve been married under circumstances where I was less informed than I am today, so I wouldn’t even consider it a third marriage, I’d consider it a first marriage on its own terms if I got married again.”

I’m guessing both Madonna and Robin would like to forget they were ever married to Penn, too. But then Penn goes on to say that he’s “very friendly with my first ex-wife [and] on extremely good terms with the children I share with my second ex-wife.”

So, he’s cool with Madonna, and is on ‘good terms’ with his children from his second wife?

What a lovely man, but, like I said, he Theron’s pig now.

Emile Hirsch doesn’t get much play in the Gossip World, so maybe that’s why he’s suddenly turned up the Douchenozzle.

At the Sundance Film Festival last winter, Hirsch ALLEGEDLY got physical with a female Paramount Pictures executive at a club, which ended up with the police being called, and here’s what happened:

At 3:30AM one Sunday morning at Tao Nightclub, Emile, in town to promote his film Ten Thousand Saints, was apparently drunk as hell and started “aggressively picking on” Paramount exec Dani Bernfeld. A source — and if Lohan wasn’t drunk in London., I’d swear this has her fingerprints all over it — says Emile suddenly snapped, and “pushed Dani up against a table, and then he put her in a headlock. 

Eventually the police were called and Emile ALLEGEDLY calmly explained the situation and wasn’t arrested, though Park City police are currently investigating the incident and deciding if charges should be filed.

Hmm, drunk and choking a woman in a bar and you need to ‘think’ about it? Sounds like Emile is channeling his Inner Lohan.

Let’s talk Sherri Shepherd again.

Remember when she was on The View and every time she voiced her opinion it was cloaked in Bible verses or something the Baby Jeebus told her over biscuits or something?

Well, Sherri is no longer playing the part of Good Christian Woman. You remember that she and her husband Lamar Sally broke up last year, and she accused him of being a gold digger who tricked her into a surrogacy situation so he’d had a lifetime of settlement checks coming his way, right? And then Sherri not only walked away from Sally but she also turned her back on her unborn baby and made it clear she wanted nothing to do with the kid; ever!

It got uglier when Lamar sued Sherri for spousal and child support, but now the ugly is real bad because Jessica Bartholomew, the surrogate who carried Sherri and Lamar’s baby, is being hit up for child support.

Bartholomew went on Inside Edition to talk about how disgusted she is that Sherri skipped out on her baby. Jessica says that at the beginning of her pregnancy, Sherri called her regularly and seemed excited about the kid, but when the news broke that Sheri and Lamar were done, Jessica never heard from her again. And when the child was born — Little Lamar Jr. — Jessica had to put her name on the birth certificate as the mother since Sherri backed out.

Lamar now has full custody of the child and filed for Medi-Cal because he can’t afford health insurance on his own; and when he filed for Medi-Cal, the state of California went after Jessica for child support.

Sherri Shepherd is somewhere sipping the Kool-Aid and talking about the Baby Jeebus and what a good Christian woman she is … until the man downstairs comes a’calling.

But Jessica need not worry; I bet Lifetime or TLC or WE … or maybe even Bravo — you know they’re doing "scripted” shows now — would love to tell The Sherri Shepherd Story and would deposit a butt-load of cash in Jessica’s bank account.

Everyone wins except that Little Boy.

If you’re a has-been actress, more well-known for jail time and courtroom appearances than film roles and awards show appearances, what do you do if you need some cash? And if your mother is a woman who hasn’t worked since she whored you out as an actress when you were two, what does she do when she needs some dough?

Well, if you’re a Lohan — Dina and Lindsay — you sue Fox News because one of Sean Hannity’s guests said on air that you do drugs together. Yup, those crack-y Lohan’s are suing Fox News Channel and Sean Hannity claiming they were publicly shamed when someone on Hannity’s show claimed the mother and daughter train-wrecks snorted coke together. Their lawsuit ALLEGES that there was a discussion on the show about celebrity drug use, and recently deceased celebs — like Philip Seymour Hoffman — and the panel discussed who might be next.

Michelle Fields said, “Lindsay Lohan’s mom is doing cocaine with her” — insinuating Lindsay would be the next to go.

Lindsay says that’s insane, though she’s admitted to her own cocaine problems; and she also claimed Dina was on a cocaine binge during an hysterical call she made to her dad in 2012. Mother and daughter say Fields’ claims are “a direct smear on the character/reputation of Lindsay and Dina.”

Now that’s funny. But how are the Lohan’s going to prove their claim? Oh, yeah, because everyone knows that when Lindsay does coke she doesn’t share.

Not Guilty!

Last week, Lance Armstrong said, given the chance, he’d still dope before getting on his bike for a race. But I think he misspoke, I think he meant to say he’s still a giant dope, i.e. loser asshat.

See, it appears that Lance cheated his way out of hit-and-run charges over the Christmas holidays. He was in Aspen with his girlfriend — and baby mama to two of the five Armstrong offspring — Anna Hansen.

After partying hard one night, Lance ALLEGEDLY hit two parked cars, but rather than taking it like a man, he let Anna take the fall, and it went like this:

At first, after the collisions, plural, Anna Hansen told police that she had been driving home from a party when she lost control of Armstrong’s SUV.

Then she said, well, after a valet came forward and said he handed the keys to the car to Armstrong, who drove off that night, that Armstrong was driving, but they decided to let her take the blame.

They. Lance Armstrong. American Hero Zero. 

Sadly, he can’t be charged with being a drunk driver because he wasn’t tested at the scene since he and his girlfriend lied, but he will be charged with leaving the scene of an accident.

Still doping, eh, Lance.

We often hear about Paris Hilton — though not so much these days because she’s irrelevant — and we sometimes hear about Nicky Hilton — though only in conjunction with Paris — but we rarely hear about baby brother Conrad.

Until now … Conrad, just 20-years-old already has a criminal record; he was charged with DUI in 2012, for alcohol and pot, and was put on probation, which he effed up by getting high again.

Now he’s back at it. Conrad was arrested in LA for ALLEGEDLY going insane on an international flight last summer and attacking the flight attendants. According to officials, multiple witnesses on the plane say Hilton went berserk on that flight and began screaming and threatening flight attendants:

“If you wanna square up to me bro, then bring it and I will f–king fight you.”

“I am going to f–king kill you.”

“I will f–king rip through you.”

“I will f–king own anyone on this flight; they are f–king peasants.”

“I could get you all fired in 5 minutes. I know your boss! My father will pay this out. He has done it before.”

Witnesses say Conrad then began punching the bulkhead of the plane, inches from a flight attendant’s face before, oddly enough, deciding to take a nap. That when the captain authorized crew members to handcuff him to his seat for the remainder of the flight.

Hilton has admitted to taking a sleeping pill before the flight. His lawyer, Robert Shapiro — yes, that Robert Shapiro — confirms Conrad took a sleeping pill and wasn’t himself, adding that there are numerous news reports of people experiencing adverse effects, including aggressive outbursts after taking those pills.

Or maybe it’s just self-entitled spoiled drunk and drugging rich kids who experience the side effects.