A Grammy Rant ... Or, A Granty, If You Will

LL? May I call you LL? Cool? J? Why the hat? Why? And why lick your lips every couple of seconds. I don’t get it. And the near-shouting you do when you speak. I don’t get it. You’re a hot man but the hat and the tongue and the yelling? No, honey, no. You're a congenial host, and a big beefy feast for the eyes, but let's reopen that bag of tricks and try something new, m'kay?

Sam Smith was a big winner last night, though, yeah, I am annoyed with him. When he first came on the scene with this record, he downplayed the ‘gay’ thing—he didn’t wanna be the gay spokesman, though I don’t know who, if anyone, asked him—and yet now he’s riding the ‘gay’ thing for all it’s worth. Plus, I get a big Boy George vibe from him so, yeah, there’s that too. 

But, but, hearing Sam Smith sing with the truly amazing Mary J. Blige kinda made up for it, though the use of table lamps as a set piece eerily echoed Adele’s set on her royal Albert Hall performance DVD, making it seem like Sam wants to be the ‘new’ Adele; he can’t.

Gosh, I love Jessie J. She's a hot sexy British girl who can sing — something lacking in the show last night ... cough cough ... Madonna. 

And I cannot believe that Tom Jones, who really rocks the Hot Grampa look, can still belt out a tune! They were actually good, though in a creepy I dating my grandfather kinda way.

Pharrell wins for Best Pop Solo Performance for ‘Happy’ and i couldn't help but think, Why? Didn’t that song come out like three years back? It feels like it. 

But Pharrell is rocking the Little Boy Shorts, and not the Mounties Hat, though he returned later to sing Happy in a new, gospel meets classical way, looking like a bellhop. M’kay.

Juanes is hot, singing in Spanish while wearing tight jeans ... what more could a boy who loves the Latino man ask for?. Él es tan caliente. 

And then you throw in some Dierks Bentley, and add a little New England Patriots Malcolm Butler and Julian Edelman, and the night got a little bit hotter.

Just sayin’. 

Kanye gets two tries at performing, and the first was kinda Meh. His voice was so badly manipulated that he sounded off-key and just sad. The second performance, with Rihanna and Paul McCartney, was better though Rihanna definitely stole it from, him. But then he went Krazy again and tried to walk up onstage when Beck won to say Beyoncé should ‘a won; that same old trick. He tried to play it off like a joke, but then was quoted as saying Beyoncé is better than Beck and Beck needs to respect the artistry of Beyoncé though Kanye West doesn’t feel the need to respect anyone’s artistry. He’s a talentless dick, with a supersized ego, who needs to remove his lips from Beyoncé’s ass and should be muzzled and chained.

Prince comes out and again the crowd goes while, though all I can think is that his hair is looking a little old lady.

And he's dressed like an Orange-sicle.

I'm getting a very ‘Golden Girls’ vibe from him. He’s the African-American Rose Nyland. Or, maybe Dorothy Zbornak, rocking that sneer!

Madonna. 

What can I say? The guys were hot, the song was not. But I guess toreador is her new look until this album fades … more … from site. The singing was so-so and the dancing—at least from her—was spotty, as I saw on more than one occasion how the male dancers helped her stand up. Madonna, aging gracefully … not. 

Sia’s ‘performance’ was interesting, though why she had Shia LaBeouf come out and read a poem beforehand was weird; just as weird as why she faced the wall the entire time. Kudos, though, to Kristen Wiig; who knew she could dance like that?

Beck is such a Pocket Man; put him in a shirt pocket, a man purse, or backpack, and you’re good to go. 

He was also a big winner, with a couple of Grammys to take home. But he was also a drab, sad song singer last night; his performance Chris Martin ... about ten seconds in I thought, What a beautiful song. Twenty seconds in I thought, Is it over yet?

Ed Sheeran gave one of the drabbest performances of the night before he teamed up with ELO. But there was a lot of drab and morose and moronic music. Gaga with Tony Bennett looked like a manic Chihuahua in sequins and a blond wig, scurrying about the stage shaking her ass. But, hey, at least, unlike Madonna, she can still sing.

And I get so annoyed with Taylor Swift ... for pretty much everything. The best thing about last night was her not winning, and the worst thing about last night was her standing up and dancing all through the show, and then checking to see if she’s on camera. 

Shades of Oprah. Plus, from certain angles, it looks like she’s got The Snaggle Tooth.

Adam Levine looks so better with his tattoos covered, and Gwen Stefani really should’a rocked that red dress on the carpet. 

That was the best thing about their sad song—her dress and his face.

Hozier singing ‘Take Me To Church.’ Finally a good song that says something and makes a point, and just when  I decided it would be the best performance of the night, freaking Annie Lennox joins him to finish up, and then takes over with ‘I Put A Spell On You.’ 

I’ll say it: Annie Lennox rules.

Brooke Axtell, a survivor of human trafficking and domestic violence, gave a beautiful speech; almost poetic. 

But, how that one true moment shape-shifted into Katy Perry, off the tiger for now, and really well-known for shooting fireworks off her breasts, singing about domestic violence was one of the worst segues I have ever seen.

A few days ago she was bounding like a cheerleader and beach babe and now she’s playing all somber. Katy knows how to milk the attention. They should have let Brooke’s speech stand on its own.

Usher gets to sing a Stevie Wonder tune, and then escorts Stevie out to play the harmonica? Hey, Grammy people? If you have the ‘real deal’; backstage, why you gotta give me Usher? 

And then, why, for the love of Motown, why, when Stevie presents with Jamie Foxx, does Jamie slips into his black glasses for an oh-so-not-funny riff on blind people. Ouch.

I understand CBS will be airing some kind of Stevie Wonder tribute show in a few weeks, but they treated him like a cast-off last night.

It's Stevie Wonder, people! Respect.

We are near the end when GOOP shows up—looking a little worse for wear … maybe when they were ‘steam cleaning’ her cooch … Google it … some of the steam ruined the hair on her head, too—to introduce us to her “friend’ Beyoncé, who sings a gospel tune with her tits out.

Luckily, it was a short performance and the show ended with John Legend and Common singing their song from Selma. Greta tune, and, gawd, Common is hot.

So, there you have it, my Grammy Rant, er, my Granty, if you will.

What did YOU think?