The Golden Globes

Okay, to be fair, I haven’t seen a lot of the movies up for awards and we don’t have HuHu, or Amazing Prime, or Nut Sax, or Pear TV so I don’t know any of those shows. So, I won’t dish the awards, but just put up some of the things I heard last night and laughed at, and even teared up about. And, since I love some off-color humor, and all kinds of snark, the unattributed quotes are all from host Ricky Gervais, who kills me.

Let’s rip …

“Kevin Hart was fired from the Oscars for some offensive Tweets? Hello? I’m lucky the Hollywood Foreign Press can barely  speak English.”

BEST ACTOR TV SERIES MUSICAL OR COMEDY

Ramy Youssef Ramy

“So, if you win your little award, come up here and thank your agent and thank your god and then ____ off.”

BEST ACTOR LIMITED SERIES OR TV MOVIE

Russell Crowe The Loudest Voice, who sent a message to be read as he is in Australia, which is burning.

“Make no mistake, the tragedy unfolding in Australia is climate based. We need to act based on science, move our global workforce to renewable energy, and respect our planet for the unique and amazing place it is. That way we will all have a future.”

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR SERIES, LIMITED SERIES OR TV MOVIE

Stellan Skarsgård  Chernobyl

BEST TV SERIES DRAMA

Succession

“You say you’re woke, but the companies you work for … Apple … Amazon … Disney, If ISIS had a streaming service, you’d all be calling your agents.”

BEST ACTRESS TV SERIES MUSICAL OR COMEDY

Phoebe Waller-Bridge Fleabag

“Dame Judy Dench defended the film, saying it was the role she was born to play because she loves nothing more than plunking down on the carpet, lifting her leg, and licking her own _______.”

BEST FOREIGN FILM

The Parasite

Kate McKinnon, introducing Ellen DeGeneres, winner of the Carol Burnett Award:

“In 1997, when Ellen’s TV show was at the height of its popularity, I was in my mother’s basement lifting wights in front of a mirror and thinking, ‘Am I gay?’ And I was, and I still am. That’s a very scary thing to suddenly know about yourself, It’s like doing 23 and Me and discovering you have alien DNA. And the only thing that made it less scary was seeing Ellen on TV. She risked her entire life and career in order to tell the truth. Of course, attitudes change, but only because of brave people like Ellen … if I hadn’t seen her on TV, I would have gone on thinking I could never be on TV. They don’t have LGBTQ people on TV. And more than that I would have gone on thinking I was an alien and maybe didn’t have the right to be here, so thank you Ellen, for giving me a shot.”

THE CAROL BURNETT AWARD

Ellen DeGeneres, accepting her award:

“You all know everything about me, my life is an open book [but] I couldn’t have done it without my husband Mark .”

Ellen, again:

“I loved watching the Carol Burnett Show. I always felt like Carol was speaking to me. At the end of the show, every time she pulled her ear, I knew she was saying, ‘It’s okay, I’m gay, too.’”

BEST ACTOR TV SERIES DRAMA

Brian Cox Succession

“The world got to see James Corden as a fat pussy … he was also in Cats.”

BEST SCREENPLAY

Quentin Tarantino Once Upon a Time in Hollywood

“You could binge watch the entire first season of Afterlife … about a man who wants to kill himself after his wife dies of cancer. Spoiler alert: season two is on the way so he obviously didn’t kill himself. Just like Jeffery Epstein. Shut up. He’s your friend.”

BEST MOTION PICTURE ANIMATED

Missing Link

“As you know, the meal tonight was all vegetables, as are the members of the Hollywood Foreign Press Association.”

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS MOTION PICTURE

Laura Dern, Marriage Story, joked::

“I got to give voice to the voiceless … the divorce lawyer. Long overdue.”

BEST TV SERIES MUSICAL OR COMEDY

Fleabag, Phoebe Waller-Bridge:

“Thanks to Obama for putting us on his list. As some of you may know, he’s always been on mine.”

BEST ORIGINAL SONG MOTION PICTURE

‘I’m Gonna Love Me Again’ Rocketman

Sacha Baron Cohen:

“The Hero of this next movie is a naïve, misguided child who spreads Nazi propaganda and only has imaginary friends. His name is Mark Zuckerberg … Sorry, this is an old intro for the Social Network … I’m talking about JoJo Rabbit.”

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS SERIES, LIMITED SERIES OR TV MOVIE

Patricia Arquette The Act, spoke out:

“When we look back on this night in the history books, we will see a country on the brink of war, the United States of America. The president Tweeting out a threat of 52 bombs dropped on cultural sites … people not knowing if bombs are going to drop on their kids. And the continent of Australia on fire.  So, while I love my kids so much, I beg all of us to give them a better world, for our kids and their kids. We have to vote in 2020 … get everyone to vote.”

BEST ACTRESS IN TV SERIES DRAMA

Olivia Colman The Crown

“Action films. Nobody’s acting, they’re just working out and shooting up steroids. Have we got an award for Most Ripped Junkie?”

BEST DIRECTOR MOTION PICTURE

Sam Mendes 1917

BEST ACTRESS LIMITED SERIES OR TV MOVIE

Michelle Williams Fosse/Verdon, saying:

“I’ve tried my best to live a life of my own making, not just a series of events that happened to me, but one that could stand back and look at, and recognize my handwriting all over it …one that I carved with my own hand. I would have been able to do this without employing a woman’s right to choose. My choices might look different from yours, so thank God, or whomever … that I am free to live by my faith, and you are free to live by yours. So, women 18 to 118 when it’s time to vote please do so in your own self interests. It’s what men have been doing for years which is why the world looks so much like them. But don’t forget, [women] are the largest voting bloc in this country. Let’s make it look more like us.”

BEST LIMITED SERIES OR TV MOVIE

Chernobyl

BEST ORIGINAL SCORE MOTION PICTURE

Joker Hildur Guðnadóttir

“Talking to all of you perverts, it’s been a big year for pedophile movies. Surviving R Kelly. Leaving Neverland, The Two Popes.”

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR MOTION PICTURE MUSICAL OR COMEDY

Brad Pitt Once Upon a Time in Hollywood, said:

“I was going to bring my mother, but I couldn’t because any woman I stand next to, they say I’m dating, and that would have been awkward.”

BEST ACTOR MOTION PICTURE MUSICAL OR COMEDY

Taron Egerton Rocketman

“I came here in a limo. The license plate was made by Felicity Huffman.”

BEST ACTRESS MOTION PICTURE MUSICAL OR COMEDY

Awkwafina The Farewell

“Knives Out has three nominations. See what can happen  when you don’t dress people up like cats?”

BEST MOTION PICTURE MUSICAL OR COMEDY

Once Upon a Time in Hollywood

“Remember they’re just jokes. We’re all gonna die soon and there’s no sequel.”

BEST ACTOR MOTION PICTURE DRAMA

Joaquin Phoenix Joker

BEST ACTRESS MOTION PICTURE DRAMA

Renee Zellweger Judy

“Many talented people of color were snubbed in major categories. There’s nothing we can do about that; the Hollywood Foreign Press is very racist.”

BEST MOTION PICTURE DRAMA

1917

“That’s it. G’nite. Get drunk. Do your drugs. ____ off.”