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Music’s biggest night opens with Beyoncé … I’m not really a fan of Beyoncé “live” because she’s never really all live and last night she mostly pranced around like a stripper … on a chair doing a Flashdance rip-off without the water … twerking her ass like Miley without all the haters … tossing her hair and letting her husband smack her ass … Not really musical, I say … LL Cool J hosted …wearing that same hat he always wears and licking his lips every five or six seconds … he’s hot but enough with the hat and the lips … plus he made the obligatory Taylor Swift is a serial dater joke that even I’m getting annoyed with … Anna Kendrick and Pharrell … don’t get me started again ion that hat … and Pharrell continues the pandering to B&J by asking the audience to applaud again for their “performance” …
 BEST NEW ARTIST … Macklemore and Ryan Lewis … Ryan Lewis is just adorable and Macklemore, too, though enough with the shaved sides on your heads … Lorde came out to sing Royals and there was a lot of twitching and some very soft, um, singing … Carlos worried she was having a seizure though with his accent I thought he asked if she had “scissors” … LL intros country boy Hunter Hayes and asks us to really listen to “Invisible” … about bullying … I would have listened better if it had been sung better … and I liked “Invisible” when it was Pink singing it and it was called “F**kin’ Perfect” … I did like the quotes that floated by on the screen … Juanes — I met him once in Miami … he hot and so sweet — with Anna Faris … BEST ROCK SONG … Dave Grohl, Paul McCartney, Krist Novosclic and Pat Smear for “Cut Me Some Slack” … Taylor Swift … at the piano … thankfully no dancers or fire of wack-a-doo costumes … though maybe that would have taken the spotlight away from the fact that she cannot sing live … that voice is reed thin and off-key a lot … Bruno Mars … I just wanna carry him around for a while and then keep him on a high shelf in my house … 
Pink … who goes all Cirque du Soleil on our asses while singing “Try”… singing ... actually singing full on Beyoncé ... while hanging n a strip of fabric above the crowd … swirling and falling and rising and acrobatic and live … that girl can entertain and has the kind of body that sends shockwaves of fear through me … she could take me in a fight ... if she could catch me because I'd run like hell ... and speaking of bodies that would send me running ...
Colt Prattes … the guy she danced with … Oy! … Oy! … t5hank god for pause and playback, rewind and playback, on the DVR … and then she sings “Just Give Me A Reason” with Nate Reuss from the stage … perfection … more passion in both performances that in any Beyoncé strip song and Jay Z ass smack … Just sayin’ … Ariana Grande and Miguel …
BEST POP SOLO PERFORMANCE … Lorde … “Royals” … she speaks better than she sings …which is more than I could say for Ozzy Osbourne … with Black Sabbath … he should not be allowed to talk … ever … intro Ringo … old school … “Photograph” … that’s how it’s done kids … just sing …
Peter Frampton … Gosh he’s still so sexy … Jamie Foxx … turns the awards into a lame Jamie Fox Show … panders to Beyoncé and Jay Z … what’s with all that? … then rambles about himself and being backstage and …shut up …
BEST RAP/SUNG COLLABOATION … Jay Z and JT … thankfully JT isn’t there … Jay Z thanks his wife … pandering now just to Beyoncé … LL comes back to introduce Kendrick Lamar with Imagine Dragon … m’kay, I guess, just another reminder that this isn’t my kind of music … T Swizzle, though, stands in the front row with her BFF date and dances like a bobble head …
Kacey Musgraves sings “Follow Your Arrow” … straight up country song but it was good … and her boots lit up … LL comes back for the trustees award and I make a bathroom run while letting the show play … Julia Roberts … what the hell is she doing there? Campaigning for the Oscar? … she is there to talk Beatles and their first appearance fifty years ago on Ed Sullivan … she wasn’t even alive then … Paul McCartney sings a new song … boring … typical McCartney jingle … but Ringo’s on the drums so that’s cool … Gloria Estefan and Marc Anthony …
POP VOCAL ALBUM …
Bruno Mars “Unorthodox Jukebox” … he’s so sweet … seriously, I wanna keep him in my house on a high shelf next to my Pee Wee Herman doll … Jeremy Renner … why is he there? … intro The Highwaymen … well, just two of them … Willie Nelson and Kris Kristofferson … Willie’s 110 years old and Kris has no voice any more … thankfully they’re joined by Merle Haggard … who can still bring it … and Blake Shelton … who is like a long lost Osmond boy … Martina McBride and Zac Brown …
BEST COUNTRY ALBUM … Kacey Musgraves “Same Trailer Different Park” … best title ever … loved the look on Swifty’s face as she lost that award … priceless … NPH … finally an out gay … intro’s Pharrell and his hat, with Stevie Wonder, Niles Rogers and Daft Punk for “Get Lucky” … gets the audience moving … even Yoko ... though Paul McCartney looked like my grandfather trying to look cool … Cyndi Lauper … Icon! … intros the amazing Carole King and Sara Bareilles … Carole rocked it as usual and Sara was a nice filler…
SONG OF THE YEAR … Lorde “Royals” … cut to Beyoncé in the crowd with a big snifter of The Brown Juice … as Wendy Williams calls it …
Jared Leto … god he is hot … reads a little of the late Lou Reed’s “Take A Walk On The Wild Side” … intros Metallica and classical pianist Lang Lang … not my thing but a cool collaboration … Steven Tyler with Smokey Robinson … Steven rasps a few bars of a Smokey classic …
RECORD OF THE YEAR … “Get Lucky” … then what was billed as The Big Moment … Queen Latifah …come out already … intros Macklemore and Ryan Lewis ...
“Same Love” … a great message song … Mary Lambert’s voice is awesome …. Wish I could say the same for Granny Madge … head-to-toe Gene Autry white … with a cane and an off-key, scratchy few bars of “Open Your Heart” … while Latifah legally married some 33 couples … straight and gay … in the crowd … loved it … loved the message … loved that the haters began hating almost instantly …. Loved seeing the stars in the audience with tears in their eyes …
Keith Urban ... I think I love you more now … Lang Lang plays the piano in tribute to Van Cliburn and then the Death Memorial … ending with Phil Everly … then Miranda Lambert and Billie Joe Armstrong sing “When Will I Be Loved” … classic … Alicia Keyes … in address that looked like it hurt her boobs ...with Yoko Ono and Olivia Harrison …
ALBUM OF THE YEAR … Daft Punk “Random Access Memories” … last song … Metallica … hot Lindsay Buckingham … so dreamy and Dave Grohl …
Final thoughts … a bit long … some over-the-top unnecessary extras performances … Beyoncé just isn’t all that people … Pink rocked … let’s retire LL Cool J next year … and let’s retire the fireworks and just have the singers on a music awards show sing … musically …. Just sayin’ … What did YOU think?
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Monday, January 27, 2014
A Grammy Stream of Consciousness
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Someday I might watch it... nah. Someday women might actually wear clothes, stop acting like hookers and just sing. Nah....
ReplyDeleteI longed for Adele.
ReplyDeleteGene Autrey? I was thinking Colonel Sanders or Boss Hogg.
ReplyDeletePoor 70-something Ringo. There had to be another drummer next to him to do the heavy lifting.
I will admit not to getting Daft Punk. If Pharrell sings the song and Niles produces and plays the music - what exactly IS their role?
and *I* had a Pee-Wee doll too!
@Blobby
ReplyDeleteI still have my Pee Wee doll, waiting for Bruno .....
Thought the closing with Metallica ...was great but WTF rolling credits over them!
ReplyDeleteI thought Madonna could have looked and sounded better but she was live and how many other artists have reworked so much of their music so many times and in so many ways. Some might have thought the M&L sampled Open Your Heart.
Next year LL is going to have a weave down to his knees and will be wearing Bob Mackie.
You already know what I thought because you read my facebook posts in real time.
ReplyDeleteRyan Lewis is so sexy. Loved the "Same Love" performance, the marriages, Keith Urban's tears, all of it. For once I can say it was a truly entertaining and memorable awards show!