Monday, January 13, 2014

A Golden Stream Of Consciousness: The 2014 Edition

Another year has passed and we're back at The Golden Globes ... and for me it's not about who wins or loses ... it's about who makes a fool of themselves ... EYE CANDY ... and some good jokes ... so let's roll one 'mo time with Tina and Amy 

Fey and Poehler ... running the show and looking better than they did on the Red Carpet, I must say greeting "All the women and the gay men watching at home" ... I waved to my TV ... Good Joke: ‘There’s Chiwetel Ejiofor and Lupita Nyong’o and Tam Honks’ ... EYE CANDY — Matt Damon … who was referred to as a garbage person because of the high-caliber celebs in the crowd last night .. if Matty D is garbage, then I’m a Garbage Man ... EYE CANDY — B Coop … the prettiest man ever … from American Hustle … formerly titled Explosion at the Wig Factory … and then Julia Louis Dreyfus … nominated for TV [Veep] and movies [Enough Said] but sitting with the “movie folks” … Best Joke: ‘Gravity, the story of how George Clooney would rather float away in space and die than spend another minute with a women his own age.’ … Joke That Could Have Bombed … Amy Poehler saying 12 years A Slave  made her rethink slavery … only Tina and Amy could have pulled that off … Sandra Bullock and Tom Hanks ... BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS MOTION PICTURE … Jennifer Lawrence from American Hustle robbing the radiant Lupita Nyong’o from 12 Years …  But it’s the Hollywood Foreign Press, meaning it’s 85 journalists voting so it’s more popularity contest … I’m bitter because I’m kinda over JLaw and Lupita, as I said, r-a-d-i-a-n-t ... EYE CANDY — Channing Tatum with an angry looking Mila Kunis ... BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS TV SERIES, MINI SERIES, MOVIE … Jacqueline Bisset … sitting so far back it took her ten minutes to rise from her chair …. Ten minutes to walk to the stage …. Ten minutes to begin speaking … ten seconds to drop a ‘sh*t’ bomb on live TV … but that’s the Globes, though the show would be much shorter if it wasn’t such a trek from table to stage … Paul Rudd and Naomi Watts …. AKA The Poor Man’s Nicole Kidman … I kid ... BEST MINI SERIES OR TV MOVIE … Behind the Candelabra … no surprise ... BEST ACTRESS MINI SERIES OR TV MOVIE … Elizabeth Moss from Top of the Lake … I got through about five minutes of that dreary mess and deleted it from the DVR … She robed the amazing Jessica Lange from AHS: Coven … Matt Damon … cute and funny … to intro Captain Phillips … Jonah Hill and Margot Robbie … teleprompter misfire … intro The Wolf of Wall Street …. EYE CANDY — Aaron Eckhart and Paula Patton ... WTF does she have on? … she cannot even walk in that mess … BEST ACTOR TV SERIES DRAMA … Bryan Cranston Breaking Bad … EYE CANDY — Liev Schreiber …  BEST TV SERIES DRAMA … Breaking bad … Steve Coogan and Philomena … the real Philomena … intro Philomena starring Dame Judy Dench … Kate Beckinsale and [not P Diddy] Sean Combs and Usher … Diddy is a douche of the highest order … BEST ORIGINAL SCORE … ODDLY EYE CANDY Alex Ebert … I say oddly because of the wild hair and great tuxedo … kinda hot … Diddy tries to steal his thunder because Diddy’s a douche … a drunk douche … BEST SONG … U2 for Mandela: Long Walk to Freedom … Chris Martin ... aka Mr. Gwyneth Paltrow, also nominated, but lost ... Gwyneth sulks ... I liked that ... cameras pan through the crowd and Carlos says, “Barbra!” … I DVR back to one Julia Roberts and remind Carlos that forty-something Roberts looks nothing like seventy-something Babs … He says they have the same nose … feel my pain … Carlos is not pop culture … Taylor Kinney, Jessie Spencer from some new NBC show, and Amber Heard wearing Elsa Lancaster’s Bride of Frankenstein hair … BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR TV SERIES, MINI SERIES OR MOVIE … Jon Voight … Ray Donovan ….he’s wearing the same white scarf he’s been wearing to award shows since Midnight Cowboy … Luckily the music plays him off … Blame Jacqueline Bisset for not having even time, Jonny … Olivia Wilde …. A pregnant alligator … Intros Her … then Robert Downey Jr … hot … smart … funny … BEST ACTRESS MOVIE COMEDY OR MUSICAL … Amy Adams … American Hustle … m’kay … nice speech … subpar gown … Kevin Bacon and Kyra Sedgwick … show off their daughter Sosie Bacon as Miss Golden Globes … that title still sounds offensive … then Tina trots out her “son” as Mister Golden Globes … who’s your Daddy Randy Fey? … Idris Elba … EYE CANDY — Idris Elba … BEST ACTRESS TV SERIES DRAMA … Robin Wright … from the NetFlix show House of Cards … Oops … little side boobage and nip slippage … Jim Carey … so it is still the 1990s? … intros American Hustle with the joke: ‘Dying is easy, comedy is hard. I believe Shia LaBeouf said that. So young, so wise.’ … BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR MOVIE DRAMA … Jared Leto … Dallas Buyer’s Club … he has the most gorgeous eyes … he tried some lame jokes ...then turned eloquent and lovely in his speech … EYE CANDY — Colin Farrell … Emma Thompson … drink and shoes in hand … funny … BEST SCREENPLAY … ADORKABLE EYE CANDY  Spike Jonze for Her … he’s adorkable  and funny … has a hard time with English though it’s the only language he speaks … music plays him off … Laura Dern … intros Nebraska starring her father, Bruce Dern … Seth Meyers and Julie Bowen with lame jokes about sucking up to the Hollywood Foreign Press to win an award … BEST ACTOR TV SERIES COMEDY … Andy Samberg … Brooklyn 9 9 … I gave the show a try and then quit it … I may go back to it … no I won’t  … Samberg plays mock shock … cute, kinda … Orlando Bloom and Zoe Saldana in the ugliest dress ever … BEST FOREIGN FILM … Italy’s The Great Beauty … fast forward through the speech … Tina and Amy make note that after losing the Best Actress in a Movie award Julia Louis Dreyfus has crawled back to the TV section where she munches a hot dog … Jimmy Fallon and Melissa McCarthy … some joke about Melissa getting hit on the head and thinking she’s Matt Damon … fell flat …. BEST ACTOR MINI SERIES OR TV MOVIE … Michael Douglas … Behind the Candelabra … more lame jokes about sequins and The Gays … EYE CANDY — Chris Pine … with Emma Watson in the Dumbest gown of the Night … best animated Film … Frozen … AKA The Polar Vortex … Colin Farrell ,,, so dreamy ... intros Inside Llewyn Davis … a puffy pasty Chris O’Donnell and Emelia Clark … BEST ACTRESS TV SERIES COMEDY … Amy Poehler … Parks and Rec … she finally wins and then gives the kind of speech host Amy Poehler would ridicule … Emma Stone … love her … hate the dress … announces the Cecil B DeMille Award for Woody Allen … thankfully Allen isn’t there to accept … Diane Keaton does the honors in a suit … she looks better than most of the men … funny … cute, .. irreverent … then she sings? … Liam Neeson … apparently he was just hanging out at the hotel or else how to explain why he couldn’t be bothered to dress for the show … intros Gravity … Ben Affleck …. Perhaps a little drunk … BEST DIRECTOR … Alfonso Cuarón … Gravity … sweet speech … great line about his English … ‘Sandra thought I asked if I could give her herpes  when I actually asked if I could give her an ear piece.’ … Uma Thurman looking hot and Chris Evans looking quite pale … BEST TV COMEDY … Brooklyn 9 9 …. And I’m still not going back to it … Jennifer Lawrence … BEST ACTOR IN A MOVIE COMEDY … EYE CANDY — Oscar Isaac … Leonardo DiCaprio … The Wolf of Wall Street … he makes a joke about being a comedic actor … oops, HFP … bad categorizing … Reese Witherspoon … looking sober because we know who she is … intros 12 years a Slave …  EYE CANDY — Chris Hemsworth ... and Nicky Lauda … intro Rush … Drew Barrymore … and some joke about being out there but maybe not supposed to be … out of the loop here in SC … BEST MOVIE COMEDY OR MUSICAL … American Hustle … Tina and Amy: ‘Like a super model’s vagina, give a warm welcome to Leonardo DiCaprio.’ … he finishes his acceptance speech … not cool …. BEST ACTRESS MOVIE COMEDY OR MUSICAL … Cate Blanchett … Blue Jasmine …. Jessica Chastain … BEST ACTOR MOVIE DRAMA … Matthew McConaughey … Dallas Buyers Club … he’s so smarmy ...mentions that his wife calls him her ‘King’ … I needed a Silkwood scrubdown after that remark … Johnny Depp … blond Johnny … BEST MOVIE DRAMA … 12 Years A Slave … best choice …. The End.

What did YOU think?

7 comments:

the dogs' mother said...

I depend on you to watch so I'm sure you are right about everything!

Biki Honko said...

I never watch those award shows, find them tedious. However!! Reading your re-cap is just like watching the Red Zone for football. All the best plays with all the boring bits snipped out.

Saw the Dallas Buyers Club, and while I thought it was a good film, what bothered me is Hollywood chose a bigoted "straight" guy's story, rather than a lgbt members story.

Ron said...

Bob,
Fabulous! I didn't watch the Golden Globes last night (I did DVD it) but I read your whole stream of observation and recognize and agree with every observation. That's why I like you Bob, we have the same outlook. From the few clips I've seen of the Golden Globes I know you're right on target. Johnny Depp as a blonde? What was it with that drawl? Still pouting over his Tonto bomb? Matt Damon as garbage? I didn't get that one. Elizabeth Moss, I'm glad she won even though I've only seen her in "Mad Men." She has a quality and presence about her acting that reminds me of Meryl Streep. P Diddy still around? Yes, what WAS THAT frock that Paul Patton was wearing or was IT wearing here? I LOVE me some Bradley Cooper. Damn! Jon Voight still wearing that white scarf? Mr. Cool? Tina and Amy…..the best!

anne marie in philly said...

I never watch this junk.

but my mind DID wander off to a different place with your blog title...

viktor kerney said...

Idris....

Debbie said...

I wish I could come over and watch the awards shows with you and Carlos! WHAT A BLAST THAT WOULD BE! Eye Candy: Alex Ebert - WHAT A CUTIE! Very sexy with his dredlocked self; Spike Jonz - loved him. Jared Leto - beautiful. He looks like Jesus to me, but in drag he looks just like Courtney Cox. Did you see the movie? Idris Elba - YOWZA! Great post Bob. But your comments on mine, HILARIOUS! Thanks so much for commenting. It really means a lot -- BIG HUG!
XOXO
Deb

Anonymous said...

For some reason I can't stop laughing over "Tam Honks." Tina Fey and Amy Pohler are two of the funniest people in comedy.

Sean R.