I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

Hallelujah and praise the Baby Jeebus! Justin Bieber’s been arrested!

Around 4AM Thursday morning, Miss Justine was caught drag racing down a Miami residential street in a Lamborghini, which is illegal on its own. But let’s toss in the fact that nineteen-year-old Miss Thang failed a sobriety test!

Underage! Drunk! Drag racing — and not the good RuPaul kind! Dick!

Police officers saw two cars racing at 4:09 AM Thursday, with two other vehicles apparently being used to block the area off; the second car was a red Ferrari, and that driver, R&B singer Khalil Sharief, was also arrested. Both cars were towed.

At the scene Bieber failed a field sobriety test and was taken to the Miami Beach police station for a Breathalyzer and processing, and was then transported to the Miami-Dade County jail, where he will undoubtedly soil his drawers and cry for his Mommy.

Now, the case: for a first DUI offense, there is no minimum sentence but a maximum sentence is six months, a fine of $250 to $500, and 50 hours of community service. For anyone under 21, there is an automatic six-month license suspension. First offense of a drag-racing offense nets a sentence of up to six months, a fine of $500 to $1,000, and a one-year license suspension.

But, let’s be clear: rich, white, celebrity, however untalented, Bieber won’t go to jail.

Damn! But he has started his Official Criminal Record!

I think he’ll Out-Lindsay Lohan.

And speaking of Lohan, you gotta hand it to her. I mean, she’s gone down more times than George Michael in a London bathroom, and yet she still thinks she’s “somebody.”

Lindsay is still in England, partying or something, because no one really knows. She’s been in and out of London clubs for more than a week, and seems to be surrounding herself with the crème-de-la-crème of UK druggies and dealers.

And so, since she's a huge star, where Lohan goes, the paparazzi follow, and what’s a mega-star to do when she can’t tumble out of a club at 4AM without a pesky photographer snapping away? She calls the police and asks to be escorted to her car.

Seriously. Last week Lohan left the john’s house where she was staying and went off to a “friend’s” place in West London. Upon arrival at the house, there were four police officers waiting, ALLEGEDLY called by Lohan herself to help her get into the building without paparazzi snapping her teetering footsteps.

The photographers asked the officers if helping Lindsay across a sidewalk was the best use of taxpayer funds, and they replied that they respond to any call they receive.

Now, once Lohan was ensconced in the house, the officers left, but did return a few hours later when Lindsay was ready to leave. The police guided her into a waiting car and then followed the car halfway back to her john’s house. There, another police car with two officers inside was waiting to make sure she walked the 10-feet from the car into the doorway without incident.

She’s a big star, y’all; she’s not just a media whore looking for attention.

Really. Really.

I didn’t mention this last week because, well, it’s Kanye and there’s always a ton of Kanye stories and I needed a break.

But, let’s dish: it seems some 18-year-old kid followed Kim Kash Kow Kardastrophe into a building and he kinda yelled at the paparazzi to leave her alone; I guess he thought he was a London cop protecting Lohan? Anyway, Kim told him to relax and so he went off on her, screaming obscenities, calling her a slut and a whore and dropping some N-bombs. Well, Kim either called or texted Kanye, who was in the building, and he came swishing screaming in to save her and began punching the kid about 30 times.

Eyewitness say the 18-year-old was sitting in a chair in a chiropractor's office when Kanye started slugging him in the face as Kim stood there, watching. The receptionist was screaming, “Stop, stop,” but Kanye ignored her and the kid dropped to the floor, trying to block the Fists of Kanye. Finally, a massage therapist came out and pushed Kanye off the kid. Then Kim and Kanye fled.

Now, there are sources — whose name is something like That Woman — who say Kim has been talking to her lawyer about suing the kid because he ALLEGEDLY “threatened to hit her. He said, ‘I bet I could beat you … Slut! N***er lover! C**t.”

The source goes on to say that Kanye, who ran to Kim's side like a knight in shining Armani was also verbally attacked by the kid, who “continued with the slurs [and] was in Kanye’s face and wouldn’t stop. He was taunting him.”

All the more reason for a grown-assed man to beat an 18-year-old, rather than just removing his  Baby Mama from the room. And now Kim, in an effort to make the scene appear direr, says she feared she would be killed during the racially charged run-in.

But then why not just leave? Why not call the police? Why not do anything other than calling your hot-headed ill-tempered baby daddy?

Oh yeah, free publicity.

More from Krazy K?

A Kardashian family holiday get-together at That Woman’s manse erupted into a shouting match at the dinner table when That Mother heard that Kim was changing her name to Kim Kardashian-West!

There goes The Brand, That Woman shrieked. How am I gonna make a dime off’a you if you change your name? Make Kanye change his to Kanye Kardashian and let the cash registers ring!

But then, with everyone silent, and dumbstruck — a normal mode for most Kardashians — Kanye spoke up, “She will be known as Kim West! My wife will bear my name only! ”

Then That Woman turned into a cheap Joan Crawford knock-off and pushed Kanye through a glass coffee table shrieking at him about respecting her.

ALLEGEDLY.

Back to Miss Justine, and the Egg Toss.

Last week Miss Justine Bieber’s house was raided by cops because he was accused of making an omelet of his neighbor’s home and causing some $20,000 in damages. They found no eggs, but did find drugs and arrested Bieber’s buddy, rapper Lil Za, for possession of Molly. 

They also seized a bunch of stuff, like Little Justin’s cell phone and now she’s worried about what cops are going to find on the cell phone, like nekkid selfies and maybe pictures of Justin doing all those drugs that were found in the home, too.

Law enforcement officers are interested in texts that could incriminate him and want to see if he texted someone after the fact and bragged about the egging. But Justine is more concerned more about drug discussions and references — not that it’s against the law, but what if it leaks out and tens of millions of underage girls find out he’s a real douche?

Just sayin’.

And to combine two Gossip Subjects into one item: let’s talk Kylie Jenner, Kim Kash Kow Kardastrophe’s half-sister, and what she thinks of Justin Bieber.

“I feel strongly. Just because I know when we’re in positions like that. And I just feel like people feel like they have the opportunity to, like, kind of mess with you just because of your status. So, I don’t know, I feel strongly. What are you raiding his house for, to find eggs?”

First off, Kylie, stay in school and learn to use your words.

And secondly, Kylie, the police will “mess with you” if you break the law by damaging someone else’s property, even with eggs.

Thirdly, shut up.

So, Dennis Rodman went back to North Korea to see his friend, murderer and despot Kim Jong Un. And while there he defending Little Kim and called him a friend. He also claimed that an American who’s been detained in North Korea for over a year now should have thought harder about whatever it is he did and basically, he was shit outta luck.

Many people didn’t care for that, so naturally Rodman apologized and then he came back to America and checked into rehab.

For being a moron? Or maybe just a moron who likes to booze it up with tiny Asian men.

So, last week Kelly Rowland, formerly of Destiny’s Child, Instagrammed a photo of her and Beyoncé with Aaliyah, on what would have been Aaliyah’s 35th birthday; she was killed in a 2001 plane crash.

Then Beyoncé decided to honor Aaliyah the same way and used the same picture, too. Only, in her photo posted to Instagram she cropped Kelly Rowland out of the picture.

Oh, the Queen throws shade. And not subtle shade, you know.