Saturday, December 08, 2012

I Ain't One To Gossip But ....

There are times when I think I should change the title of this weekly post to “I Ain’t One To Gossip About Lindsay” because she’s all that ever seems to be in the news.
That said, let’s rip ….

Okay, so Christmas came early last week when Original Recipe Lohan™ was arrested last week for third-degree assault, for punching psychic, Tiffany Eve Mitchell, in the face at a nightclub.
It seems that just before Lindsay punched her mitts into Tiff’s melon, the two women were fighting over Max George from The Wanted. See, just before hitting the club, Lindsay had gone to see the Justin Bieber concert because The Wanted was the opening act and sources—Hey Dina!—say Lohan had been “scoping out Max for the last few days.”
Now, Lohan tried to get backstage to make the hook-up with Max but she was dee-nied. So, she stalked him to the nightclub after the show.
Once inside The Avenue, sources—and that means about 90% of the people at the club—say Lindsay was a’drinking and a’snorting, and was a real cracktress mess. In fact, Max George was so disgusted by the sight of a drunken 65-year-old Lindsay that he began hitting on other women, including the psychic.
Sidenote: Tiffany Eve Mitchell didn’t see any of this coming so, yeah, not a psychic.
Hat sent Lindsay into a rage and when Mitchell approached her and said she’d like to do a “reading”—which might be club –speak for a three-way in the ladies room—Lohan said, “Gimme my space” and sucker punched Mitchell. She was kicking and screaming, cursing at the Mitchell and then spit at her.
She’s a peach, ain’t she?

Now, since most folks at Christmas get more than one gift, let’s look on as Lindsay unwraps Gift Two:
According to the LAPD, while Lindsay was being charged with assault in NYC, she was also being charged with three crimes in Los Angeles.
Seriously, if only Lohan could have run someone over in Nebraska, and stolen some jewelry in Miami, she would have had the whole country covered.  
The charges in LA all stem from her June car accident, and the LA City Attorney has filed these charges against Lohan:
  • Giving false information to a peace officer (punishable by up to 6 months in jail);
  • Obstructing or resisting a police officer in the performance of his duty (punishable by 1 year in jail)
  • Reckless driving (punishable by 90 days in jail).

While I was playing Powerball, Lohan was winning the Four Charges In One Day on Two Coasts Lottery!

Now, lets’ talk Tiffany Mitchell. The, um, for lack of a better word, psychic.
Tiffany Eve Mitchell said that when Lindsay Lohan walked into the club, she had a “premonition” about Lohan, though she never saw the punch coming. Literally.
But when Tiffany offered Lindsay a free reading, that’s when Lindsay demanded her ‘space’ and called Mitchell a “f**king Gypsy.”
Well, Tiffany’s friend went all crazed, or all Lohan, and began insulting Lindsay with the usual, You’re a whore! You’re a jewel thief! You’re a kidnapper!
And Lindsay was fine with that, cuz you know, it’s true and all, but then the friend told her that “Liz & Dick” sucked, because, well, you know, it did, and that’s when the punch came.
Call her a kidnapping, jewel-thieving whore, but never, EVER say she sucked at being Liz Taylor.

And now, back to Lohan, because, this time, she really is The Star:
As soon as the NYPD slapped the cuffs on Lindsay Lohan and she started cracking “Are you kidding me?!” “Are you kidding me?!”  “Are you kidding me?!”  “Are you kidding me?!”  ad nauseum, it became clear that, once again, this is not Lindsay’s fault … at least in her own addled head.
After being released, Lindsay Lohan began claiming it was all a set-up and that she was totally innocent.
A source—Seriously, Dina, drinking at 7AM? No wonder Lindsay doesn’t get it—says, “She was crying and kept asking, ‘Why does this happen to me? This is a setup! I don’t deserve this . . . It’s not my fault!’ ”
And so then came the story that the fight started because Lindsay said Mitchell stole Lindsay’s underage, night-clubbing sister’s purse at the club, and that Lindsay had just given Ali Lohan $10,000 in cash which was in the purse.
Which is funnier: that Lindsay punched a girl for stealing a purse, or that Lindsay expects anyone to believe she gave Ali 10K?
The source says, “Lindsay was saying, ‘I was trying to find out who stole Ali’s purse! I gave her the money for my family, to pay for my brother’s school fees!’ ”
Brother’s school fees is Lindsay Lohan for dealer.
Then the source—And now we know for sure it’s Dina The Enabler—says, “Lindsay says she never hit the girl. She just went over to find if they had her sister’s purse. They were looking around the area, but the girl was sitting at the table, and some pushing started. Lindsay says the purse was never found. She’s desperate to find where the money is.”
But reliable sources say the purse was returned, but they don’t know nuthin’ ‘bout no 10 grand.

Now, of course, let’s hear from Dina and Michael:
Set the box of wine down, Dina. Set if down!
Dina has released a statement about her daughter’s recent legal troubles and latest arrest, asking for privacy and noting that the tough times bring their family closer together:
“At this time I kindly ask that you extend to my family the time we need to address my daughter’s circumstances with the appropriate parties. As a mother you always love and pray for the best with all your children. Our family’s bond grows deeper and stronger during the tough times and I am beyond proud of all of my children for the love and devotion they provide for each other. We are there for and stand by one another unconditionally. Many thanks to all that have expressed concern for my daughter. Your compassionate thoughts and prayers are received with my deepest gratitude.”
Allow me to translate:
“At this time I kindly ask that you extend to my family the time we need to make up a story about why Lindsay’s a club-brawling, reckless-driving, necklace-stealing, bad-acting, serial-rehabbing, drug and alcohol addict. you always love and pray for the best with all your children and pray that when Lindsay gets arrested she doesn’t rat you out as her dealer. Our family’s bond grows deeper and stronger during the tough times and I am beyond proud of all of my children for the love and devotion and alibis they provide for each other. We are there for and stand by one another unconditionally, even when visiting one another through bars and bullet-proof glass. Many thanks to all that have expressed concern for my daughter. Your compassionate thoughts and prayers, and offers of bail money, are received with my deepest gratitude. When does the bar open around here?”
Michael Lohan’s statement on Lindsay’s newest arrest:
“Both [Dina] and Lindsay are in a dark place. I TOLD you exactly what would happen and YOU KNOW I was trying to get Dina on board with me for a long time, BUT especially the last two weeks. Lindsay is acting out in numerous ways because she needs us and internally she’s hurt and angry! Again, it’s ALL on Dina and I wish to God she would stop and resolve things with us to do the same for our children.”
Again, I’ll translate:
“Both [Dina] and Lindsay are in a dark place, which I think is inside a mini-bar at a midtown hotel about now. I TOLD you exactly what would happen and YOU KNOW I was trying to get Dina on board with me for a long time, but she wanted more than 50% of the money I make for selling stories and recordings of my drug-addicted daughter to the tabloids and I have a new illegitimate child to hide my money from. BUT especially the last two weeks. Lindsay is acting out in numerous ways because she needs us to get her a fix and a bout in the WWF, and internally she’s hurt and angry because the world now knows that she is a terrible actress! Again, it’s ALL on Dina and I wish to God she would stop and resolve things with us to do the same for our children or else I will have to keep selling stories to the press, even when they aren’t true.”
It's no wonder Lindsay is Lindsay with parents like those two miscreants.

All righty then, let’s talk about Blow # 3 for Lohan, and I don’t mean blow like she means blow.
The IRS has seized all of Lindsay’s bank accounts because she has a massive debt for back taxes. 
It seems that Uncle Sam has filed tax liens against Lindsay for the years 2009 and 2011—claiming she owes $233,904 in unpaid federal taxes.
Sheesh, rumor has it she spends that much a week on Ketel One and ciggies! 
And unpaid hotel bills.
Y’all remember Charlie Sheen generously paid Lindsay $100,000 to help alleviate the 2009 tax problem, but it didn’t do any good because she’s on the hook for 2011 taxes, too.
Sidenote: I heard Lohan and Sheen will star in a new sitcom, Two-and-a-Half Grams.
Just sayin’.
The IRS gave Lindsay ample time to pay up, but instead the money when to booze and drugs and, well, not underwear, and not acting lessons, so the IRS seized ALL her bank accounts in order to settle her debt.

Enough Lindsay, unless there’s another arrest before I go to press.
Nick Lachey.
Seriously, there’s gossip about Nick Lachey? I mean, not the kind of gossip that might seem real, like he got a new job at the Starbucks on Wilshire.
No, this time Nick, who doesn’t have, never had, much of a career, other than being known as Mister Jessica Simpson is in the news for fighting in the stands at a football game.
Oh, how macho.
The story goes that Nick went to a football game with his buddies, got a lot wasted, and started talking smack to a guy with a jersey on for the opposing team, and then gets into a brawl before being asked to leave the stadium.
Again, macho.
The ALLEGED victim claims that Nick choked him and called his wife a bitch when she gave him a clever comeback to his smack-talk; possibly something like, “Ooh a boybander with a potty mouth.”
Nick, for his part, then takes to Twitter because that’s what everyone does these days, to brag about the incident, never acknowledging his responsibility for getting kicked out of the game and acting like it was a badge of honor or something.
Macho.
Here’s what appears to be the truth:
The ALLEGED victim says Nick Lachey and his bros—all die-hard Bengals fans—had been talking trash to him about his San Diego Chargers jersey for most of the 2nd half of the game. He says Nicky made one particularly offensive comment about Olshansky—a player, I’m guessing—and that’s when the fan’s wife shot back to Nick, “Well, he lasted longer than your boy band.”
Ouch! But oh so high-larious!
Nicky then flipped out and called the wife a “f**king b*tch” … along with “a host of other profanities.” The fan says Nicky lunged towards him, grabbed him by the throat and shoved him to the ground.
Over a jersey and smack-talk about being in a boyband.
Macho.

6 comments:

Ron said...

Bob, DEE-LISH-OUS! You really should be paid a LOT OF MONEY for writing REAL this real gossip about the Bitch-Trash that is so much of Hollywood celebrity. This posting was just TOO GOOD. :)

the dogs' mother said...

You are going to have to apply for workman's compensation when your fingers cramp up due to excess Lohan shenanigans!

Jim said...

Lindsay, step away from the bottle and just back away ... for your own good.
Wow!
Great piece Bob.
Yes, you are correct, Lindsay Lohan is and continues to be a mess.
Not a pretty mess any more, just a mess!

anne marie in philly said...

all the lohans need to be put into a deep mud pit to fight it out. the last one to crawl out is the winner.

R.J. said...

Two-And-A-Half Grams? Oh, that's not going to be enough for one of them for thirty minutes.

Nick Lachey talking smack at a Chargers game? I couldn't stop laughing when I saw this last weekend. I'd love to see him pull that sh*t when the Raiders come to town later this month.

www.DiatribesAndOvations.com said...

Frankly, I don't care what Nick Lachey has to say ... unless he says it with his shirt off. ;)