Design Star: Shotgun Wedding...Reception

So this week's challenge is to design a wedding reception space in twenty minutes. Okay, it's actually a two-day challenge, but, seriously, where's the fun in that? And this is a team challenge so all the designtestants have to work well together, and we know where that's headed. They are tasked with creating a fabulous, lush, elegant, Victorian reception, with a cool, jazzy retro groom's lounge. It should be fun. Or not.

Cathy let's us know instantly how this will be her big moment, saying, "I planned my own wedding so this challenge will come easy to me." Well, I heard she not only planned it, designed it, catered it, but she built the church and reception site from tissue paper and glue, and crafted a groom out of pipe cleaners and corks. She really is that good, y'all, because, as she says, again and again, "I designed my own wedding and it was in three national magazines."

Three? I'm thinking it was in Big Ego Monthly, Five-Time Emmy Award Winner's Periodical, and may have made an appearance in I Can Do Everything Myself And Make It Look Better Than Anyone Else Because This Is What I Do I'm So Good weekly.

But I digress, because this week was mostly about arguments and dysfunction.

The designtestants gather in the center of the loft to discuss space planning. Karl wants round tables. Cathy wants rectangle tables. A vote is taken. Round tables it is. Cathy whines that it should have been a group decision. Karl reminds her that is was: It's called voting, Cathy.

So, naturally, when the idea of placing the cake table in the middle of the dance floor arises, Cathy chimes in with another round of: "I designed my own wedding and it was in three national magazines"--I love that song--but is again voted off the island.

This won't be good, because in addition to holding all those Emmys, Cathy also holds a grudge very well.

Cathy and Leslie team up to shop for place settings and linens. Leslie will be doing the Guestbook Table, while Cathy will set all the tables and create her special Bam! Wow! moment at the Sweethearts Table.

But, while shopping, it's only Cathy who selects everything, and then gives us Oooh what's that smell look every time Leslie suggests something. It's Cathy's way, or the highway. because she's designed her own wedding and it appeared in three national magazines. You know.

Leslie's Guestbook Table was a crazy mess. She ordered a great Corinthian column table--which just screams Victorian--and then covered it with glitter fabric. She set a couple of lanterns on the floor--that screamed lighthouse--and set a pitiful flower arrangement on top. Lastly, she set a binder and a couple of Bic pens out for the guest to use when signing in. Tra.Gic.

Perhaps had Leslie been able to work without the constant nagging of Cathy [We've got to set the tables! We've got to set the tables!] she might have been able to reign in the cuckoo and unleash the lovely.

As for Cathy. Oh, Cathy. Her Sweetheart Table, her WOW moment, was a nightmare. There was no elegance, no specialness to it. It was a plain table, with some glitter fabric--albeit nicer glitter fabric than Leslie's--and the same china and stemware as all the other tables.

Plus, Cathy backed it up with a two-seater sofa for the bride and groom. Um, Cathy? Did you put down your Emmys long enough to look at the bride and groom? These were not small people, and yet that two-seater sofa looked like it would crowd a couple of Olsen twins.

Best Cathy Moment: When doing her camera challenge, she again stated that rectangle tables make for better conversation, yet she was surrounded by round tables. Oh Cathy.

Kevin, Karl and Mark were in  charge of the bar and lounge, and the groom's lounge as well. And this trio proved that Cathy isn't the only dysfunctional member of a team.

Kevin listened to the groom say he wanted a crooner's lounge, a Rat Pack lounge, with lots of wood elements. Karl, apparently listening to the voices in Cathy's head, wanted to do an all-white mod room, and when he saw that he was being drowned out, he opted to leave Kevin and Mark on their own.

Karl may be the new Cathy. This week they traveled the same MyWay Highway. Plus, other than his contribution to the bar and lounge, was a sad little flower arrangement in the Groom's Lounge. Still, gazing at those flowers did make me wanna guzzle bourbon by the keg, so maybe it was a good choice?

Mark takes on the lighting, which I think a lot of people take for granted, but it turned out to really make the space, and define the different areas. It added color and dimension to a big square room.

And Mark also listened to the groom say he liked to skateboard--Sidenote: what is it with grown-assed men skateboarding?--and so Mark rushed out last minute to buy a slew of skateboards and create a piece of wall art that bore more than a passing glance to a piece of wall art he created with rope a few challenges back. I mean, the skateboards looked cool, but, um, Mark, honey, handsome, we've seen it before from you.

Left to his own devices, Kevin ignores all of Karl's monochromatic suggestions for the groom's lounge and goes all retro on it's ass. Brown couch and chairs; amoeba coffee table; fabric barrel lamps. It looks absolutely nothing like the Victorian theme of the rest of the space, but it absolutely works. Kevin went big, big held back from going over the top.

Best Kevin Moment: Standing on a chair and singing, loudly, as Cathy repeated her credentials again, Three! Three magazines I've been in! Snarky, but fun.

Kellie and Meg were Team Play Nice. They agree on everything, and may soon appear on Saturday Morning TV as a couple of cartoon designing Chipmunks.

After you.
No, after you!

They were sent in search of fabrics, cake and flowers. Kellie wanted a beautiful, brightly colored canopy above the dance floor, so she and Meg visited a fabric store to find the perfect orange for their project. While Kellie comments on the color and the ruching--I pay attention to Project Runway--of the fabric, Meg hoists the entire bolt up onto her shoulder and grunts off in search of a register.  I suggest the title of her show, should she win, be Longshoremen Design.

Meg takes care of the flowers, and buys huge, clear vases for each table. it's a good plan, because then you'll be able to see across the table and chat up the fellow guest. But her lack of flower arranging skills is quite evident, and the finished product looks a little skimpy rather than grand.

Kellie's fabric canopy, on the other hand, looks wonderful and she gets proper credit for it. And she takes the credit, while also applauding Meg for her work-horse ethic and superhuman strength.
But, um, Kellie? You picked out the fabric. Meg carried it. But it was Karl who cut it, glued it to tubes, lined the tubes with wire, and stung the canopies over the dance floor. Your idea, dear, but Karl's execution. And no one would have known had he not spoken up.

Best Karl Moment: His shirt riding up every time he bent over. Boy loves his midriff baring T's and snug jeans. And by 'boy' I mean him, and me.

THE JUDGING

While there were hits and misses,  the bride and groom loved the room, and for having just about two days to bring it all together, the designtestants did an admirable job. Most of it looked chic--not Cathy's part--and a lot of it looked elegant--not Leslie's part--while some of it was just okay--Karl's sad Left At The Altar Flowers.

Special guest judge is former New Jersey Housewife, and new HGTV host, Dina Manzo. In the spirit of openness, I must reveal that I watched season one of The Real housewives of New Jersey and  I always wondered why Dina Manzo was there. She seemed normal, especially in that herd of crazy, and so I wasn't surprised when she opted out of season two. She turned out to be a good judge, full of compliments and suggestions and criticisms, like a judge should be.

Not full of illiterate platitudes like Genevieve Goiter, who couldn't design a sensible sentence if given two days. Or Vern Yip, who offers up new design terminology each week [this week's words: purposeful design] and prowls after the male contestants [this week's prey: Mark].

See, Vern said he was thrilled with Mark's progress each and every week. Apparently Vern forgot last week when Mark couldn't finish the backsplash tile, so he laid linoleum along one wall. Yeah, that's marked improvement. Keep it in your pants, Vern, it's a design show, not a Grindr account.

Still Mark got props for his skateboard, er, roper ladder, no, skateboard wall art. And he deserved recognition for the lighting  and his work in the lounge [Sidenote: i have an image of Mark's work in a male stripper lounge running though my head right now].
Mark gets the win, while fellow groom's lounger Kevin is also safe. Kellie gets saved for her sketch of the canopy, and Meg gets applause for her brute strength, leaving us a Bottom Three of Karl, Cathy and Leslie.

Leslie gets called out for the crazy. Genevieve says quirky is good, but design is serious, and she should know. She seriously schtupped an HGTV executive to get her show.

Karl gets called out for bad flowers in the groom's lounge. But I think it's more than just bad choices. Karl was scattered. Furniture. Flowers. Fabric hanging. He's a workhouse, though not in the same strong-armed vein as Meg, but he needs to step up and start designing. Otherwise both he and his jeans will be gone.

Cathy. Cathy.

Five times you won the Emmy.
Three times your work appeared in national magazines.
One time you get axed from  a reality show.

Your Sweethearts Table was less sweetheart and more high school cafeteria prom. Seriously, I've seen prettier tables as a Bus Station Taco Bell.

You're Out! And, if you need help with your suitcase of Emmys and your ginormous ego, ask Meg. She's a powerlifter.