Wow, am I shocked.
Charlie Sheen's, um, yeah, 'tour' is a bit of a bomb.
Opening night in Detroit saw a sold-out crowd of more than 4,500 packed into the Fox Theater, dying to see the trainwreck perform, um, live. But from all reports, it was a thoroughly disastrous night for the "warlock."
Some audience members, obviously the ones who've been screaming at their TV sets during Charlie's wackadoo interviews, began the show by heckling the warm-up guy. It got so ugly, in fact, that someone woke Charlie from a drug-induced coma and shoved him onstage and reprimand the crowd--to no avail.
The comic was booed off the stage, and house lights soon came up, causing the impatient masses to grow even more restless, as they waited for the Sheen Show to start.
And, finally, when the headliner launched into his first 'Violent Torpedo of Truth' performances--more than an hour after the disjointed show first started--the ovation turned to boos and jeers and walkouts.
Many in the crowd demanded their money back--and let me say this, if you paid money to see Charlie Sheen....Charlie Effin' Sheen...and felt taken, too bad--but were denied.
But many of those demanding s refund might have wanted the money to spend on souvenirs, and by souvenirs,m I don't mean bricks of cocaine; those all go directly to Sheen. But you could buy t-shirts emblazoned with Charlie-isms like "F---ing Brilliant!" and "I'm on a drug. It's called Charlie Sheen".
And me, nowhere near Detroit. Boo-freaking-hoo.
The, um, 'show,' such as it was featured scores of video clips, including fan tributes from YouTube, violent film excerpts and one of Sheen just playing Call of Duty. As the crowds began to rant and rave about the horrid performance, Sheen told them, "I've already got your money!"
And sent it straight up his nose.
Other Charlie-isms, for which Detroitians paid $45:
"Tonight is an experiment"
"I am finally here to identify and train the Vatican assassin locked inside each and every one of you"
"Show of hands here who has tried crack? :::crickets::: I don't do crack anymore, but this is a good f---ing night to do some crack"
Is anybody else as confused by this s--t as I am? I wrote every word!"
OMG He is high-larious. See what i did there? High...........larious?
And speaking of trainwrecks, wannabes, and whores.
Heidi Montag, Jake Pavelka, and Danielle Staub are apparently starring in their own reality show. Or, maybe because they're all famewhores they just gathered togetherher and paid people to film them.
Montag, best known for using plastic surgery to transform herself from a pretty young girl into an inflatable sex doll with the IQ of a bar of soap, sat alongside Pavelka, who is best known for speed dating through twenty-six women and falling in love with one and then proposing and then breaking it off and then calling her all sorts of evil names on TV.
Not far behind was former Real Housewives of New Jersey's very own Danielle Staub, AKA prostitution whore, drug mule, and star of her own poorly selling sex tape.
Heidi, Jake and Danielle.
Definitely Must-Not-See TV.
And, now for some good gay news.
Newly out, and still enjoying her Coming Out tool-belt and Home Depot gift card, country singer Chely Wright is engaged.
Her fiancée, Lauren Blitzer, a LGBT Civil Rights activist, and Chely have set a date and plan to be married this summer in Connecticut, where equality lives for all people, not just the heterosexual kind.
It seems that Chely and Lauren met through LGBT youth advocacy work, and realized they both have a love for, um, Scrabble?
Scrabble. Is that some sort of Lesbian sex game? Just asking.
Chely Wright, who once considered suicide rather than coming out as a lesbian, now says, "The freedom of being out and open about who I am allowed me to find and fall in love with Lauren...the most amazing woman I've ever known."
And, as a wedding gift, I've registered you two at Ace Hardware, and will be gifting you with a belt sander and some Doc Martens.
It looks like Lindsay Lohan's association with crime isn't quite over yet.
But maybe, just maybe,m this time crime will pay. It seems that La Lohan is in "final talks" to play mob-daughter Victoria Gotti in 'Gotti: Three Generations,' an upcoming feature film about Victoria's mafioso father, John.
If this holds up--and it depends on whethe Lindsay goes back to jail or rehab for the summer--she'll star opposite seriously heterosexual John Travolta, who has agreed to play John Gotti.
And to make this film even more of a circus, rumors are swirling--as rumors are apt to do--that Kim Kardashian recently met with executive producers to discuss playing John's daughter-in-law, Kim Gotti.
A Kardashian and a Lohan, together.
This just reeks of an Oscar winning film.
Producer Marc Fiore, who obviously has grandiose dreams, says his $75 million production is "going to be the new 'Godfather.'"
Oh, but he did.
There was another story out that Lindsay would play Sharon Tate in a film about Charles Manson.
Or that she would be in the new 'Superman' movie.
But those have to wait, while Lindsay sees if she stars in Prison Bitch.
That's not a film, that's her future.
This has crazy written all over it.
After Britney Spears', um, lethargic-looking demeanor during promotional performances for her new album, comes word that Brit-Brit doesn't want to be bothered performing any more.
She wants to act.
A source--and by source, I mean the team of men who hoist her Frito-laden ass about the stage with she lip-syncs to songs she does not remember--says, "Britney is very mindful that she has to evolve as an artist now she is heading towards her thirties. Music will always be a part of her life but she has come to love acting, and comedy especially. She is currently considering a few scripts. One is a comedy and a kind of parody of the popstar she is and the other is a more serious role which is an action movie."
A serious role in an action movie? Aint no such thing.
But the question I pose is this: if Spears cannot be bothered to learn to sing, much less learn the dance moves, to take this new album on tour, how will she ever become an actress?
Seriously, she has all the intelligence of a pork rind.
I see Brit-Brit's future like this: wackadoo tours, more head-shaving, more drama, another wackadoo tour, and then she'll fade from view, only to resurface in 2041 on some Bravo reality show, like, well, maybe, the Real Housewives of Backswamp.
And the gay is coming out after more than fifty years.
The 1951 novel From Here to Eternity, by James Jones, is set to be re-issued digitally through eBook firm called Open Road, and it will ALLEGEDLY feature two scenes involving gay content that were previously censored from the original publication.
Uh-huh. FHTE is going back to its gay roots.
James Jones' daughter, Kaylie, explains: "My father fought bitterly to hold on to every four-letter word in the manuscript. The publisher was concerned about getting through the censors."
And so The Gay and The Profane were cut from the novel and from the film, but now they're back, baby. And maybe that famous beach scene, with Burt Lancaster and Deborah Kerr, could be filmed again with, say, Colin Farrell and Matt Damon?
What does an actress do after she costars in an Oscar-nominated film?
Well, if you're Mila Kunis, fresh off her hot 'Black Swan' performance, you see what kind of offers come up, and then you take your pick.
One part, though, that Kunis won't be taking, even though an offer was made and all other parties are, um, into it, is being one of Charlie Sheen's goddesses.
At the Columbus, Ohio stop on his horrendously awful 'My Violent Torpedo Of Truth/Defeat Is Not An Option Tour,' Sheen began a campaign to secure Kunis as goddess number three in the Sheen crackhouse, saying, "Here's the good news: my goddesses have already f**king approved [Mila]. She's pre-approved! I'm going to go on her Facebook page and discover her likes. I'm going to buy them all and then she can come steal them. A super f---ing hot thief named Mila Kunis. Mila, please, we have a warehouse full of your favorite s--t to steal,"
And she must be thrilled.
And then, in incoherent Sheen-speak, he added: "I would have great tolerance for many missing items provided it involves Mila f**king Kunis. If Mila Kunis is stealing your s**t , trust me, you're still f**king winning, you're still winning at that moment."
For her part, rumor has it that Mila Kunis was less than thrilled with that particular offer, and even a little disgusted by it. Pals close to the actress say Thanks but no thanks, to Charlie, adding, "Obviously Charlie wanted to name someone who would create publicity for his tour, but the thought of it grosses Mila out."
It grosses me out, too.
And most of America.
More on Brit-Brit.
Less than a day after Spears debuted her new music video for 'Till the World Ends', she is fighting off rumors that she used a body double in the video.
Is that so far off the mark? I mean, she doesn't actually "sing" so should we be surprised that she also doesn't "dance"?
It is being suggested that choreographer and backup dancer Tiana Brown plays the role of Britney Spears' body in the video--accusations that the Spears camp, Camp HooHaw, denies. Now, to be fair, Brown has danced on the road with Britney on the 'Circus Starring Britney Spears Tour', but the rote answer Brit offered when asked if she's got a body double is, Oh hell to the no. It's Britney, bitch!
But then she turned to her handlers and asked, Which one is Britney?
Wow. Sink much.
He was one-half of a gay-married couple on The Amazing Race.
Then he dated Lance Bass.
Then he "starred" on Logo's The A-List.
And now, you ask--or maybe don't ask, though I'll tell you anyway--what is Reichen Lehmkuhl up to now?
Apparently, while waiting for season two of A-list to start, Reichen has gotten himself a side job spanking his monkey on a webcam, though the paycheck is about as big as the payoff. The pictures of his choking the chicken session made their way on to the Internet this week, and I, for one, was waiting for Reichen to deny that the pictures were of his Little Reichen being strangled.
After confirming that the images were, in fact, him, Lehmkuhl released a statement:
"I don't feel that this story represents anything different in me than what the majority of gay men have done at one point or another--as far as posting a private picture over internet lines for private viewing. In my, now, nine years of being in the public eye, I've seen many less-flattering photos attributed to me, so that's a plus. Moving on…"
A little back-door video? Or, howsabout moving on to something else altogether, like, say, obscurity?
Oh, Paris! Were you jealous that Lindsay was getting all the jewel thief press and just couldn't stand it for another minute?
It seems that old-coke-in-the-vah-jay-jay,Paris Hilton, is being sued by the insurance company of Damiani jewelry, ALLEGING that she hasn't returned $60,000 worth of loaned jewels.
Wow. You beat Lindsanity there. She just, um, "borrowed" a $2500 necklace, but you've upped the ante.
It seems that the jewelry in question was part of the $2.8 million stash that was stolen from her house, while she was "borrowing"them, by the Hollywood Bling Ring back in 2009. The jewels were eventually recovered and returned to Hilton, who then never bothered to give them back to the jeweler.
What is it about the celebutards that they forget to put on underwear and return things they borrow?
And the insurance company, Allianz, even blames Paris for the robbery because she left her front door unlocked and ALLEGEDLY left the jewelry lying about like she does her cocaine.
A representative for Paris, who spends most days trying to explain the alphabet to the heiress, says: "We only just received the complaint but it is clear that it is not based on fact. Among other things, nobody from the Hilton team ever told the insurance company that the Damiani items that were stolen were returned. We are not aware of any of the Damiani items being recovered by the police, only costume jewelry was recovered."
It's the old I-ain't-got-your-stinking-jewels routine!
But if it doesn't play out like that, can you imagine the fun of prison if Lindsay and Paris are jailed together? I mean, which one would be the other one's bitch? And which one could carve a shiv out of soap?
Star Jones is everywhere on the small screen, filling it up from corner to corner and top to bottom, as she scurries about to promote her new book, 'Satan's Sisters'. But, um, she ALLEGEDLY won't be making an appearance on 'The View'.
And, as Star is apt to do, whenever she isn't eating, which is rare, she's yapping it up about ALLEGED reports that Barbara Walters is personally blocking her from ever showing up at 'The View' again.
Between bites of a Brontosaurs Burger, she says, "You can't push Barbara into doing anything! Are you out of your mind?"
And then she said, "Nom nom nom nom burp."
Star has, however, appeared on the former co-host Joy Behar's show, and while Star moaned and kvetched and ate a bowl of rigatoni, Joy made it very clear she had nothing to do with the guest bookings at her other job. She did, however, seem to be happy speaking to, and feeding, her former co-host.
Of course, a source for ABC--and by source, i mean the guy who defrosts Walters each day before she appears on-set--says, "Since the show began, Ms. Walters has made it her practice not to book the program."
Maybe the reason Bab doesn't want Star back, aside from the increased food budget, is that Star's, ahem, novel, 'Satan's Sisters' is the tale of five women on a talk show where "alliances are forged, careers are made, and bridges are burned."
The matriarch, AKA old lady newswoman, of a fictional show, called 'The Lunch Club,' is a character named Maxine Robinson, the first African-American to become a network news anchor. Maxine is conniving and borderline nasty.
Sounds a little Walters-esque, eh?
But I'd love to see Star and Barbara togetehr again. Especially in the heat of summer. The iciness between the two women would certainly cool off a hot August afternoon.