Darren The Caveman. Outed. After Death.

I am not a big fan of outing anyone. I think coming out is a personal choice, and we should let people out themselves. And we should question the motives of anyone who outs someone after that person has died. Remember when they did it to Abraham Lincoln? One-hundred-forty years or so after he died? Now, they're trying to out a 5,000 year old cave man.

I.Know. Five thousand years after his death, the world's first ALLEGEDLY gay caveman has, well, been uncovered. Or, well, excavated.

Darren. Born that way, buried gay.

According to sources--and by sources, I mean a team of nerds in pith helmets, with tiny shovels and paint brushes and too much time on their hands--the way the Caveman, henceforth to be known, on ISBL at least, as Darren, the way he was buried suggests that he was of a "different sexual persuasion."

Persuasion? Really? Look, I know he was, literally a Neanderthal, but it isn't a persuasion! It's.Not.A.Choice. Darren was born gay.

His skeleton was unearthed during excavations in the Czech Republic, and Darren is ALLEGED to be between 4500 and 4900 years old. And, he looks good!

Still, the assumption that Darren was gay is based on the position of his body in his grave. Men, er, straight men, were normally buried on their right sides, with their heads pointing west, surrounded by manly things like weapons, hammers, bowling balls, six-packs of Mastadon Lite beer, and flint knives as well as all kinds of snacks to accompany them to the other side. 

Women would be buried on their left side, with their heads facing east, and would be surrounded by necklaces made from teeth, pets, and copper earrings, as well as domestic jugs and an egg-shaped pot placed at their feet; you know, womanly things.

Now, while Darren was facing manly west, albeit, I guess, toward West Hollywood, he was lying on his left, AKA girly side, and was interred with household items and no weapons or knives. And one of those egg-shaped containers was found at Darren's feet 

Darren.Was.Gay.

Archaeologists don't think that the way Darren was buried was a "mistake or coincidence". See, during the time that Darren lived, apparently forever now called The Stonewall Age, AKA the Corded Ware era because of the pottery it produced, a great deal of care was taken during funeral rituals.. 

Lead researcher Kamila Remisova Vesinova: "From history and ethnology, we know that people from this period took funeral rites very seriously so it is highly unlikely that this positioning was a mistake. Far more likely is that he was a man with a different sexual orientation, homosexual or transvestite."

So, Darren was gay, and he was also, possibly, The World's First Drag Superstar!

Shantay, you stay, Darren.

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