Monday, February 28, 2011

Let's Dish Dresses

You know, the Oscar fashion watch used to be more fun when the stars didn't have stylists.
Cher in a headdress.
Bjork as a bird.
Sharon Stone in a Gap t-shirt.
Kim Basinger in a one-armed graffiti dress.
Nowadays, they're all so safe, and the only mistakes they make is when they have a bad stylist, and they trust that person. So, let's dish dresses, starting with my favorites:

THE GOOD

Jennifer Hudson looks fabulous.
She was my favorite on the carpet last night.
I mean, c'mon, girl wore tanger-effin'-rine and rocked it.

Helen Mirren shows all them young upstarts what hot looks like.
Never less than glamorous, never less than fabulous.
On screen and off.

Helen Bonham Carter, or, as I call her, HBC.
She isn't a slave to fashion; in fact, she wore a dress
designed by a costume designer because,
well, it's the Oscars, and it's movies, not fashion.
She does what she wants and does it better than anyone.

Michelle Williams.
She is so New Hollywood that she looks Old Hollywood.
A little Audrey Hepburn, a little Mia Farrow, a whole lot of simply gorgeous.

Natalie Portman, looking beautiful, fresh, glowing,
and about nine-and-a-half months pregnant.
Regal, like an Oscar winner.

Reese Witherspoon.
A cross between Oscar Barbie, and Sharon Tate Valley Of The Dolls.
Simple and chic, and beautiful.

Sandra Bullock.
This dress says, "Jesse James? Big mistake! Huuuge."

Cate Blanchett.
A lot of people weren't feeling the love for this dress,
but, well, it kinda grew on me. It looks like a piece of art, and Cate is priceless.
THE SO-SO
Celine Dion. In the spirit of fairness,
I don't like her, so, well, it's hard to be objective.
But this shiny dress is too plain, and the fabric reminds me of......

Gwyneth Paltrow's dress.
And, again in the spirit of fairness, I don't like her either.
But Gwynnie and Celie wore dresses that seemed to much alike,
though the colors were different and the fabric on Celine's was horizontal,
not vertical. But both were blah.

Halle Berry. After her Golden Globes misstep,
she went for princess gown, and it might have made it higher
on my very prestigious list if it weren't for the fact that it looked like......

...Hilary Swank's dress.
Sure, the color was different, and one had tulle and one had feathers.
But they were both princess dresses for former Oscar winners,
and I think they should have tried harder.

Jennifer Lawrence. When she hit the red carpet, Julina Rancic,
the Bobble Head from E, instantly named her Best Dressed. And Kelly Osbourne,
afraid of being beaten by Rancic's bony arms agreed. Seriously?
A red tank dress and no jewelry is best Dressed.
Rule of thumb, if you can pair the dress with flip-f;lops
and do the marketing in it, it isn't Oscar worthy.

I loves me some Nicky Kidman. and I love that her best accessory is Keith Urban.
And I so want her to rock the carpet, but this is a slight miss.
Pretty dress, but it seems like the bottom half is on backwards.
And I didn't like the white and the sequins
because it looked a little too wedding cake.

Scarlett Johansson looks like she's up for the part of Miss Kitty
in a reboot of Gunsmoke.
It's not bad, it's just blah; and the hair is blah.
Blah blah blah.

THE WTF
Florence Welch. Talk about drab, lifeless, blah.
This looks so much like the dress she wore to the Grammys,
that I thought it was the same dress.
How can a girl with such vibrant hair choose to wear skin tone Grandma drapes?
Again?!?

Melissa Leo.
She kept talking about how the dress was "built" for her.
Note to Melissa: Cars are built, dresses are made.
And while it's an interesting fabric and pattern, it doesn't say Oscar winner,
 like all those ads she took out before the show begging to win.
Melissa Leo is this years Sally Kirkland--Google her:
she thinks winning this will make her a star,
when all it will make her is a guest star on a sitcom in about five years.

Mila Kunis. Pretty color, pretty dress, but when i first saw it,
I thought, Oops, wardrobe malfunction!
Those little pasties over her nipplage made it seem as though you were seeing something you didn't want to see.
And it's too frilly and frou-frou to have that kind of slutty decolletage.

Penelope Cruiz seems to have raided Cher's closet
from the CBS variety show days, because, I swear I saw Cher wear
this on TV in the late 70s. If Penelope wanted to sing River Deep, Mountain High
 with Tina Turner, this is the dress. Not for the Oscars.
I do give her props for the man candy, Javier Bardem.

ANNE HATHAWAY
i put Anne in a class by herself because she is in a class by herself. Plus, she was the only one who got a chance to change dresses every couple of minutes. So, she is my Best Dressed, or best dresses--with a little Tux thrown in--of the night:
Rockin' the red carpet in Valentino Archive.

Glamorous in white.

Rumors are that anne will play Judy Garland on Broadway,
and this is all Judy.

Like a fine wine, she's fab.

Twist it, shake it.

Regal in Royal Blue.
And her last dress, at the end of the show.
This is another dress that reminds me of Garland.

3 comments:

froggy said...

Wow - comprehensive survey!

I have to say, with a summer due date, Natalie Portman must be having twins or triplets!!

R.J. said...

I'm glad you watched the Oscars. I was bored by them and changed the channel.

Jennifer Lawrence wore something that Susan Graver sells on QVC for $34.95 every Thursday morning, except what Graver sells looks more flattering.

And no mention of James Franco's "Marilyn" dress? LOL

My fave? Bullock. She look glamorous but I think that dress was screaming for a diamond necklace to go with it.

Biki said...

Ok, I only disagree with you three times. Michelle Williams? What a deadly boring dress! A total yawnfest.

Cate Blanchett?? Sigh that dress looks like a table cloth,but then? She really isnt one of my favs.

And Nicole Kidman, I love that dress! But she looks wonderful everytime she attends award thingys.

Thanks for watching and scooping the dresses up for us!