Oscar Observations....or.....Oscarvations

Well, let's see. I was worried about the hosts this year. Not so much Anne Hathaway, as I think she can do anything and look stunning while doing so, but James Franco. I mean, he's made great play of having that sort of stoner affect, even though he says he isn't a stoner, but I would have liked to see him more animated. He didn't seem to have any fun during the show, while Anne was singing, dancing, laughing, giggling, and looking gorgeous.

And why oh why did they take a stab at a Billy-Crystal-Insert-Yourself-Into-Movies montage when no one does it better than Billy? it was cute, but it paled in comparison to Crystal's.

Kirk Douglas trotted out to give Best Supporting Actress and, sorry to say it, he was sad to watch. His speech problems caused by his stroke made it painful to see, and though people giggled at his putting off of naming the winner, I felt sorry for him.

Not sorry for Melissa Leo, who won after campaigning for herself for several weeks like she was running for Homecoming Queen. And, really, she is such a bad actress; her "acting" like she was shocked to win was proof of that. And the F-bomb was stupid. And the taking of Douglas' cane as she walked off stage seemed cruel.

Say goodnight, Melissa, I think your career has come to a halt.

Justin Timberlake. I get so tired of his acting like he's in on some private joke, when he isn't funny. I'm Banksy. You're not even a good actor. And Mila Kunis with the pasties. Honey, no.

Then we have Josh Brolin and Javier Bardem, in white tuxedo jackets, dancing together and we cut to Penelope Cruz? WTF was that?

When Aaron Sorkin won the award for Best Adapted Screenplay, for The Social Network, he gave a speech that seemed more like the speech one would give if they'd won Best Director. It was a good speech, but I kept thinking, You're not the director, so stop thanking the cast for being so good. Thank THE DIRECTOR, or the producers, for hiring you to write the thing in the first place.

Anne Hathaway breaks out in song to dog Hugh Jackman and his Huge Ackman. It was funny, and she can sing; now that's an Oscar host. 

And Huge Ackman is so hot, well, I think he's personally responsible for global warming....or, at least, my, ahem, global warming. But when Franco came out in drag I thought we'd slipped back in time to the old Milton Berle show from the fifties. Seriously, he looked like a Berle knock-off.

Knock it off!

Russel Brand is creepy looking, and looked even creepier when standing next to the gorgeous Helen Mirren.

Reese Witherspoon, seriously becoming the Oscar Barbie, presented the Best Supporting Actor award to Christian Bale, who gave a lovely speech. His joke about having been known to drop and F-bomb was funny, and his getting all verkelmpt when talking about his wife and daughter was sweet. 

If I have one complaint, it's that he lose the beard--not the Travolta kind of beard, but the actual beard. He's so much hotter with a smooth face.

And then we waste precious time during a show that's too long before it even starts to have some bigwig Oscar dude and some bigwig ABC chick, come out and tell us that the Oscars will stay on ABC for another nine years. Um, people, that's what a press release is for; don't take up valuable airtime.

Matthew McConaughey used to be so hot; so athletic and tanned and blue-eyed and hot. Now he just looks skeevey.

The winner for Best Costume Design, Colleen Atwood, for Alice In Wonderland, took out a list and began to read from it. She actually wrote down the words "I'd like to thank the academy...." in case she forgot? And then tried to give a history lesson on Alice? That is why these sort of techie awards, like for sound and costume and editing and those things, should not be telecast. I want stars and glamor, I don't want some nervous nellie reading from a list.

Hellooooooo Academy? Are you listening?

Kevin Spacey is not gay. He said so. And then he intro'd the Best Song category. Really? Best song? I think not. Where was Cher? Where was Christina? Instead we get Randy Freakin' Newman and Allen Freakin' Mencken and Florence Freakin' Welch and Gwyneth Freakin' Paltrow?

Luckily Jake Gyllenhaal came out next so I quickly forgot Best Song singing.

Anne and James come back onstage to introduce Oprah, like she's the effin' ueen, and then O saunters out like she is the effin' queen. And what was with that dress? Could her boobs have looked any  bigger? I mean, I know she's all happy big girl now, but why place all the emphasis on those ginormous breasts? 

Another mistake? Having Billy Crystal come out.

No offense to Anne, and I'm sure Franco was too high to notice, but the act of merely walking out showed that Billy should have been host. I mean, when you get a standing ovation, which read more like Billy! Please take over!, it's not a good thing.

Note to the academy: more Billy, all Billy.

Robert Downey Jr and Jude Law were quite funny and real, and, well, maybe next year, if Billy isn't available, have those two host, because they're good together. Plus, RDJr is so hot. 
And Jude ain't bad either.

Jennifer Hudson is so gorgeous, and 
came out to present the Oscar for Best Song. Um, yeah, since JHud was already there, why didn't you have her sing the songs? That would have been so much better. But I digress; the award went to Randy Newman who gave one of the most WTF speeches of the night. Chicken sandwiches and twenty nominations?

And why was Celine Dion there? Is she an actress? Was she singing Best Song? Seriously, the less I see or hear from her the better I feel. And why sing "Smile" during the In Memoriam? One of the lines is, "You'll find that life is still worthwhile if you just smile": but she's singing about people who have died.

Awkward.

And though I love Lena Horne and I love Halle Berry, I didn't quite get why Lena was singled out for a special tribute.

I was thrilled that Tom Hooper won Best director for The King's Speech. It doesn't hurt that he's kind of adorkable and British.

Then Annette Bening comes out. I don't like her. She is, supposedly, such a great actress but she always seems so stiff when she's on these shows. Maybe someone should tell her it's an audition and she'll actually seem lifelike.

Jeff Bridges is so handsome, but he and Christian Bale need to see the barber together....or come to Smallville and I'll, um, shave them. He offers us a glimpse into the Best Actress category, and, well, I'm hoping Annette Bening doesn't win because I've heard she might slip in there.

She doesn't.

It's Natalie Portman for The Black Swan, and she looks radiant and sweet, and gives a lovely speech about acting and family and babies.

Then it's time for Sandra Bullock, looking so See-what-you're-missing-Jesse-James in red. And, of course, she's funny when talking about the nominees for Best Actor, and they all laugh, except Jesse Eisenberg who looks like he'd rather be anywhere else. 

Which is fine because Colin Firth won for The King's Speech. And he may also have won for A Single Man, from his nomination from last year because he was equally brilliant in both. I love the Brits and their self-deprecating humour--since he's a Brit I'll spell humor like that--"I guess my career has peaked."

And finally we end with Best Picture and it went to The Social Network as expected beca--what? It didn't? The King's Speech.

Well, that was a welcome surprise, as was cutie-patootie Iain Canning thanking his boyfriend.

Then  we finished, just ten minutes over, with the kids from PS 22 on Staten Island singing "Over The Rainbow"and joined at the end by all the winners. it was a sweet way to end the show, and i loved Anne Hathaway high-fiving the kids and telling them "Good job."

And that's the difference between Hathaway and Franco. He seemed more interested in an after-party bong hit than he was in the show. He was lifeless, she was full of life. He was dry, she was funny, though, I will admit his joke about getting a text from Charlie Sheen when he came out in drag was high-larious. Still, I'd rather see Anne host, with, say, RDJr and Jude law.

Or, for the love of god, Academy.

Bring.Billy.Back.