I Always Suspected

from Comedy.com

15 TV Characters Who Never Came Out Of The Closet, But Should Have

Let’s face it, only in the last few years has society found it acceptable to portray homosexuals on TV. Of course it’s only safe when they show the approved stereotypes, such as the quirky and well dressed funny ones. It’s a giant step considering what we had to see years ago. Stuffy awkward people who we just assumed enjoyed being single. There were many characters on television who could have led a much better life if they could have just come out of the closet. Who were these poor souls?

15. Alice Nelson, ”The Brady Bunch”.

Now the first thing you’re going to say here is “Hey Bill, you’re so wrong. Alice wasn’t gay. She was dating Sam the butcher.” Well, I am very aware of that, but have you really considered what they were doing while dating? Most of their time together was spent bowling. Do you know many heterosexual women who own their own bowling ball? Alice often boasted of the ‘”free meat” she received from Sam. In modern times that would translate to sex, but during that period, and the fact that Sam was actually a butcher, it really just meant chuck roasts and hamburger. Unable to exercise her homosexual desires, Alice used the men around her to get what she wanted. In turn spending her time loveless and attempting to live her life vicariously though the families she took care of. Alice, my friends, was a full blown lesbian and we loved her.

14. Uncle Arthur, ”Bewitched”.

The fun loving brother of Samantha Stevens’ Mother Endora, Uncle Arthur was considered flamboyant even for warlock standards. He was also the only one of Samantha’s relatives who seemed to like Darren. These are just some of the things that gave us a clue to the sexual orientation of our favorite TV magic user. Poof!

13. Jo Polniaczek, ”Facts Of Life”.

Imagine you’re a student in an all girls school who is questioning her sexuality. Imagine that you cannot share your desires with the world because there is too much bias in a decade that has not yet embraced homosexuality (oh, those frigid 80s). It’s a terrible burden to deal with. What do you do? You would turn your tomboy to 11 and threaten to pummel every girl who looks at you wrong. In time, you’re going to be great friends with these other students, but the relationship won’t truly blossom until the college years where you can finally express your sexuality with each other. Poor Jo grew up around girls who she found attractive, but like Ms. Garrett’s cookies, were considered untouchable except to customers and George Clooney.

12. Balki Bartokomous, ”Perfect Strangers”.

There is a difference between coming to America to make a better life for yourself, and escaping prosecution from angry and uneducated villagers who don’t understand and can’t begin to fathom your sexual beliefs. Although, even in the strangest of regions our friend, Balki would have been considered an odd duck. What better way to downsize your awkwardness than residing with the most socially inept cousin you barely knew you had. Balki also helped set the bar for fashion trends for many homosexual men. Beyond the occasional lederhosen and bolo tie, he actually created a few fashions that still stand today, though mostly in pride parades and on “Star Search.”

11. Jimmy, ”H.R. Pufnstuf”.

I’m going to keep this short. A little boy is likes to skip and jump while keeping his best friend in his mouth. I’m not even going to talk about his yellow shirt and haircut.

10. Reuben Kincaid, ”Partridge Family”.

You only have to watch two episodes to start questioning why Reuben and Shirley Partridge never hooked up. You only have to watch two more to figure it out why they didn’t. Reuben Kincaid was a closet homosexual. He was a 40-something single man who worked in the entertainment industry and had a large collection of snazzy wool sports coats. There is no way you can convince me that the super-fancy tour bus paint job wasn’t his either. He just never wanted to take the credit.

9. Eddie Haskell,”Leave it to Beaver”.

Well groomed and constantly putting on a persona for everyone around him, Eddie Haskell is a textbook case of hiding homosexuality. It was hard to witness the all the perils in Haskell’s life considering the network wouldn’t even show a toilet in a bathroom. But, a present day “Beaver” sitcom would reveal all sorts of sexual tensions, unspoken desires… and more beaver jokes.

8. Xena, ”Xena: Warrior Princess”.

Xena was a penis short of being a man. Her hatred towards men brought on by bad treatment from the Gods scarred her psyche and gave her a really big phallic sword to treat it. Not only is she a lesbian, she is an angry one. Her relationships are usually with very questionable and weak men, as well as young and hot women. She and her partner Gabrielle were often seen together in a bedroll, holding and comforting one another, or declaring their devotion. There was even the occasional kiss. Long, hot, sensual kisses. Yum.

7. Peppermint Patty, ”Peanuts”.

Peppermint Patty wrote the book on how the be a man in a lesbian relationship.

6. Col. Wilhelm Klink, ”Hogan’s Hereos”.

Understanding this guy wasn’t a person other soldiers would want to share a foxhole with, the German army made him a commander in a POW camp surrounded by hundreds of men he could be the “boss” to all day long. You can’t tell me he wasn’t taking peeks inside the showers or supervising disciplinary actions in the compound. The reason you never heard about these things is the one guy who would know would never say a thing. When asked Schultz would let you know “he sees nuthink!”

5. Murray Slaughter, ”Mary Tyler Moore”.

Murray was a single, middle aged man who constantly shared his feelings with his female best friend. Murray was 10 times gayer than even he knew. Often seen in a sweater and unable to express his attraction to Ted Baxter, Murray led a torturous life. I feel he was four more seasons away from committing a horrible sex crime brought on by years of sexual frustration and male pattern baldness.

4. Waylon Smithers, ”The Simpsons”.

Is there anything here I can tell you that you don’t already know? His love is expressed everyday for his boss. The one and only man he will ever love, and the one man he can never have. This will never stop him from offering his heart and soul, as well as the lips that will always remained unkissed… unless you count Mr. Burns’ ass.

3. Floyd Lawson, ”Andy Griffith Show”.

Lonely and awkward, Floyd spent his days quietly cutting men’s hair or socializing with local gentlemen on the park bench in front of his store. The biggest clue would probably be the name of the first episode he appeared. It was entitled “The Gay Deceiver.”

2. He-Man, ”He-Man”.

He-Man is the alter ego of Prince Adam of Eternia, son of King Randor and Queen Marlena and one of the biggest pansies to set foot in Castle Grayskull. Donned in lavender, he spends his days talking to his cat until trouble is found. He then lifts his sword and turns into an even gayer version of himself, He-Man the confident strong gay male that Prince Adam always wanted to be. A nice tan and questionable hair was not all he had. He could use his brute strength to wrestle any opponent to the ground. Watch out, it’s going to get sweaty.

1. Bert and Ernie, ”Sesame Street”.

Those two guys have been living together for all these years, sharing a bedroom and sharing each other’s lives. There have never been discussions of women or other manly stuff. It would seem most of their conversations were center Ernie’s baths and rubber ducks. If there were ever two men who needed to confess their undying love for each other… it is these two. Don’t get me started on Kermit the Frog!