Here I Am

I saw this meme this morning over at I Don't Care For your Tone--which should be a routine stop on your daily drive through blogtown if you're looking for wicked good fun and some really amazing life tales from the fabulous Edder--and thought I'd take a shot at it myself. the first question intrigued me no end.

And now, before any of you want to skip out in fear of the inevitable "tag," well, there will be no tag. If you want to share the minutiae of your warpedness, as I do, then feel free. If not, just ride along for the read, or read along for the ride.

Let's go, shall we?

1. Is there anybody you just wish would fall off the planet?

Faithful readers of ISBL will know the answer to this one: Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton and Oprah Winfrey, in a tandem free fall.

2. How do you flush the toilet in public?

It might sound odd, but I usually flush it with the bottom of my shoe. Now, this may sound unsanitary to some of you, God knows where the bottom of my shoe has been, but think of the last person using that toilet and where, oh yes, their hands have just been. Bottom of the shoe it is!

3. Do you wear your seatbelt in the car?

I always wear a seatbelt and I always make my passengers wear theirs. It's the law, dammit!

4. Do you have a crush on someone?

Well, Carlos for one. He makes my heart go pitter-pat every time I see him. But then I have my Crushes In My Head, which range from Huge Ackman to Matthew Morrison to Scott McGillivray--sorry Michael, I know you want him, too--and I could go on, and on, but I'll stop there.

5. Name one thing you worry about running out of.

I would say gas but then I've never run out of gas. I'd say milk, but like gas, we always have some. Wine? Yeah, maybe wine, because just as you're getting into a really good bottle of Oregon Pinot Noir or New Zealand Sauvignon Blanc, and the bottle runs dry, well, you wouldn't want to be in the room with me.

6. What famous person do you (or other people) think you resemble?

I don't get that too often, but once a co-worker said i reminded her of "That guy on TV." That was all she gave me.

7. What is your favourite pizza topping?

Anything except pineapple, which should only be used on upsidedown cakes, and anchovies, which should only be used in Caesar salad dressing. Other than, I'll try just about anything.

8. Do you crack your knuckles?

I do not, and what's more, I have never tried. And what's more, if you do it, Stop.It.Right.Now!

9. What song do you hate the most?

Celine Dion. I know she isn't a song, but seriously, when that bitch opens her yap I wanna put my fist into it. I keep hoping her Heart Won't Go On. That's mean, I know, and I don't mean, but, well, yes I do. Make her go away.

10. Did just mentioning that song make it get stuck in your head?

No.....no.....NO DAMMIT!!!

11. What are your super powers?

Razor sharp wit and a lightning fast mind. A most deadly combo. For example: a co-worker and I were discussing gossiping about people, and I said I was brought up to always say things about people behind their backs, because, well, to say it to their face is just plain rude. And I said, it might be hurtful, whereas behind their backs it might actually be funny. Then, only moments later, the talk turned to tattoos--follow that trail--and a girl we work with showed us a tattoo on her wrist and announced that she thought it was pretty. I said, Think again, and then turned to first co-worker and said, See, there's a case where saying something to someones face is funny AND hurtful. Before you all get up in my grill, the tattooed co-worker got the joke. Sheesh.

12. Peppermint or spearmint?

I am a Minty Man, so I'd have to say both, though not at the same time.

13. Where are your car keys?

In a lovely wicker basket on a shelf by the garage door where they should be.

14. Last song you listened to?

This might be sad, but I have been looping "No Matter What" for the last couple of days since I heard Stephen Gately of Boyzone passed away. It's such a sweet song and he seemed such a sweet man.

15. What's your most annoying habit?

I hate to admit this, but it might just be my super powers [see Number 11 above] because there are times when i just don't know when to quit. I even hear the little voice inside my head screaming at me to stop, but on and on I go.

16. Where did you last go on vacation?

Oregon. Smallerville. To visit my Dad.

17. What is your best physical feature?

I'd have to say my eyes. I have lovely blue-gray-green ones that have been known to change color depending on the color of my shirt. Years ago, while working as a waiter, I had an especially rude obnoxious woman whom I'd hoped to strangle while she was eating her gnocchi, but, as I readied myself to strike, she said to me, "Where did you get those eyes? they're gaw-geous." I melted.

18. What CD is closest to you right now?

A boatload of Carlos' classical CDs on a small table in the office. He's got Igor Stravinsky, Le Sacre Du Printemps, and Dietrich Buxtehude Organ Music Vol. 1 [do we really need more than one?] and Jennifer Hudson--Hey! I've been lookin' for my JHud!

19. What 3 things can always be found in your refrigerator?

Top shelf: Milk, OJ, Cranberry Juice. Always!

20. What superstition do you believe/practice?

Honestly, none. I put hats on beds and walk under ladders and step on cracks. Or is it crackheads? Cracks! Yeah. Step on a crack break your mother's back. Step on a crackhead, get a knife in the shins. Yeah. Definitely cracks.

21. What colour are your bed sheets?

This week they are a pale shade of green. But I will share with you the fact that just over a week ago, at Home Goods in Charlotte, we bought a set of Ice Blue sheets of a 700-thread count. They are like sleeping on clouds. I will never buy sheets again that are lower than 700. I'm spoiled for the rest of my life. Make that more spoiled.

22. Would you rather be a fish or a bird?

Well, since I can swim, why would I want to do that all the time? Yes, I'll take Bird for $100 please, Alex.

23. Last thing you broke?

The spirit of a small child. No, I didn't. Not really. I don't know the last thing I broke. I broke into song in the shower. Does that count?

24. What are you having to eat tonight?

Spaghetti with meat sauce.

25. What colour shirt are you wearing?

An old rag-tag white T, that I've worn whilst painting so it's splotched with deck stain, primer and light blue paints.

26. If you could be doing anything else today, what would you rather be doing?

Lying on a beach somewhere sunny while barely dressed cabana boys fan me with palm fronds, massage my feet and keep me floating in margaritas.

27. Do security cameras make you nervous?

Whenever I see one, I always think, "I shouldn't have worn this shirt."

28. If you wrote a book about your life, what would the title be?

"Shake-The-Etch-A-Sketch" or, although a variation has been used, "Diary of a Mad Househusband"

29. Last time you went to a cemetery?

A few months back. This isn't morbid, really it isn't, but I love cemeteries. I find them peaceful and I love looking at headstones. That said, I do not wish to be buried in one. When I go, I would like to be placed in a garbage bag and set at the curb with the rest of the recycling.

30. Last concert you went to?

Bea Arthur, although not technically a concert but she did sing and I was entertained. Before that? Sting maybe. U2. The BoDeans. Perhaps. Oh wait, we went to a small concert at the University Of South Carolina just a month ago. God, I went from U2 to chamber music in a few short years! I'm ready for my close-up Mr. DeMille.

32. Next concert you're planning to attend?

We don't have any planned at this time. I'm still in shock about the U2 Chamber Music thing.

33. Do you talk to yourself?

Constantly. If I don't like to talk to me, why should I expect anyone else to want to talk to me?

34. Have you ever adopted or purchased a pet?

We took over Ozzo from a co-worker of Carlos' who didn't want him. Tuxedo we got from Carlos' work in Miami. Tallulah we got from a veterinary office near Smallville. MaxGoldberg was thrown over a neighbor's fence when he was a kitten and she gave him to us. Adopted and rescued them all. Always. I have never bought a pet of any kind, except a pet rock that I took down to the swimming hole with me one day. He ::::sniff sniff:::: never came back.

35. Have you ever been present when an animal is being born?

No. And, while I can appreciate the miracle of life and I do know where babies come from, I do not wish to see it live. Thank you very much.