Tuesday, April 10, 2012

One Foot Dancing, One Foot Nailed To The Floor

I tell myself I’m alone, not lonely, but it doesn’t work. See, I usually say that to myself when I’m sitting all alone, at home, the television tuned to…something…anything…and the stereo playing dully in the background. I am not lonely. I am alone.
I get out among people. I go for walks, through a park, down a busy city street; I buy my groceries. I rent movies and I haunt the local bookstore. I am among people, but I don’t look at them and their eyes don’t meet mine.
Invisible is what I am. Not alone. Not lonely. Invisible. There are times when, if I walk quickly enough past a mirror or shop window, that I can’t even see myself.
And I work; with people, even. And these people would tell you that I’m funny and sarcastic and nice, quiet. That’s all they could tell you, though, because they don’t really know me. I cannot allow it and I don’t understand why. Still, they say they like me because I’m funny and sarcastic. Nice.
I go to the college near the park, but I don’t stay after class. Lunch is something from a vending machine eaten in my car, with my head down. I don’t go for coffee to discuss a lecture and I don’t join study groups. I plug along on my own, no matter how difficult the class, until it gets to be too much, and then I drop out. I imagine other students come into class and see that empty chair, my chair, near the front, off to one side. 
Didn’t someone used to sit there? Whose chair is that?


Max Journals said...

Different circumstances but I can relate. All I can offer is that perhaps if you keep your head up, make eye contact, join some groups, things may change. Max

Frank said...

I never would have thought this was a description of the blog's author. I share the "invisible" trait. I'm sure it's an energy shield that emanates from my alien nature. Thing is, there was a time I was becoming more visible...then, I think I realized it was too much work. Thanks.

Bob said...

I probably should have clarified.
That's a perfect description of me many years ago.
But I'm thinking of turning this bit into a short story.

mrs.missalaineus said...

this is poignant and beautifully haunting at the same time. how many of us have been that person that tried so hard to be invisible to remain safe because alone equates to safety?


tamayn said...

Now for a real challenge, write this from a second or third person perspective, or reverse the tone and make this someone who is happily alone.

Rainbow said...

I think we all can relate to this from some time in our life. Starting life, finding ourself, our place, and others to fill the voids! I really loved reading it and can't wait to read more! Good job!

Kyle Leach said...

Write it Bob.