The Funny Papers

Marc Murphy, Mike Luckovich, David Horsey, Ann Telnaes, Drew Sheneman, Nick Anderson, JD Crowe, Jack Ohman, Ted Littleford, Bill Bramhall, Kevin Siers, Steve Breen, John Cuneo, Adam Zyglis, Clay Bennett, Michael de Adder,

Snarky Thoughts

Recently, when a Kid Rock show ran late and was subsequently canceled due to extreme weather, his fans, or is it ‘fan,’  lost their, or his or her, minds, and demanded Kid Rock perform for them. When it became clear Kid Rock wouldn’t, they trashed the venue.

My Thought: I’d have trashed the place while he was performing just to get him to stop the caterwauling.

photo

Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lynn Affleck—imagine the day, coming soon I might think, that she has to change that name—are honeymooning stunting in Europe on a “Look! We Got Married” World Tour. But it doesn’t look as if Ben is having the time of his life when he was caught sleeping on the photo tour.

My Thought: Being Mr. JLo must be exhausting.

photo

Gwyneth Paltrow has been saying for years she doesn’t really miss acting—her last acting job was 2019’s The Politician—and because she thinks anyone cares, or misses a Paltrow Performance, she went on Sunday TODAY to remind Willie Geist, and anyone watching, that she still doesn’t miss the business “at all.” 

My Thought: She’s trying to remind people she’s an actress so some producer will hire her, while the world, and all of Hollywood think, ‘Yeah, we don’t miss you either.’

photo

Pat Benatar says she’s done performing Hit Me With Your Best Shot during her shows as her “small contribution to protesting” against gun violence. And while she says her fans are not happy with the decision, she’s doing it out of “deference to the victims of the families of these mass shootings.” Pat tells the fans who are pissed off about this to listen to the song at home, dammit.

My Thought: Maybe we should get Britney to stop singing [Hit Me] Baby One More Time. I mean, not because of any violent undertone, but because Britney can’t sing.

photo

Demi Moore has announced that she will never, ever again let a movie hairstylist take a pair of scissors to her hair for a role in a film. She says if the role requires short hair, get her a damned wig.

My Thought: Demi Moore is still acting? I thought show biz cut her off like they did Paltrow. And if she doesn’t want her hair going under the knife why does she keep letting surgeons do it to her face.

photo

I guess the newest thing among the self-entitled is to use a private jet to get around town. Kylie Jenner—and this isn’t saying much, but she’s The Dumb One™ in That Family™—does it, and now so does Drake. He has been using his private jet  to take a fourteen-minute trip from Toronto to Hamilton, Ontario Canada which costs some $3,000 in fuel and releases 4 tons of CO2 emissions into the air as opposed to making the drive which is about an hour.

My Thought: Sentence Drake and Kylie to work TSA at Chicago’s O’Hare Airport as punishment.

photo

I Didn't Say It

Pete Buttigieg, US transportation secretary, asking Republicans to support a law protecting same-sex marriage, and taking on anti-LGBTQ+, perhaps ALLEGEDLY gay himself, Marco Rubio:

“If he’s got time to fight against Disney, I don’t know why he wouldn’t have time to help safeguard marriages like mine. This is really, really important to a lot of people. It’s certainly important to me. I started my day, as I try to do on weekends, to get Chasten a little bit of a break and do breakfast with both of our twins. And listen, this no small thing as every parent of small kids knows. It was one of those days where the tray table wasn’t quite fitting into the highchair and I’m trying to make sure that they’re busy enough with their little cereal puffs to give me enough time to chop up the banana and get the formula ready. And … that half-hour of my morning had me thinking about how much I depend on and count on my spouse every day. And our marriage deserves to be treated equally. I don’t know why this will be hard for a senator or a congressman. I don’t understand how such a majority of House Republicans voted no on our marriage as recently as Tuesday, hours after I was talking about transportation policy, having what I thought were perfectly normal conversations with many of them on that subject, only for them to go around the corner and say that my marriage doesn’t deserve to continue. If they don’t want to spend a lot of time on this, they can vote yes and move on. And that would be really reassuring for a lot of families around America, including mine.”

What you get from Pete, what you always get from Pete, is a good, honest, common-sense answer.

I love that about him.

photo

Hershel Walker, GOP illiterate tool running for Senate in Georgia, on why he won’t debate Raphael Warnock:

“Well, first of all, Senator Warnock has nothing else to talk about. He don’t want talk about the high gas prices, he don’t want to talk about high groceries. I’ve told him many times I’m ready debate him any time, any day. All he doin’ is talking. I just want to make it for the fans, not about a political party or some media, and all they are doing is talking. I want to make it a fair and equal debate for the people. I’m willing to cross the aisle and talk to him about who’s going to host this debate, not do it on his terms, but do it on the terms that the people can see the contrast between he and I, where I don’t want men in womens’ sports. I’m not gonna have that. I don’t wanna see high gas prices. I wanna see the crime stop. Those are things he voted for which he don’t want to admit, so he needs to answer to that because the Georgia people are talking. They want him to answer questions, not just hearing him to continue to talk to the media.”

Herschel Walker, graduate of the Sarah Palin School of Word Salad Ignorance.

The only debate Walker wants to have is one that looks like Clint Eastwood’s old man chat with an empty chair; Google it.

photo

Joe Rogan, podcaster and “comedian,” taking on the GOP’s assaults on civil liberties, notably same-sex marriage:

"It's not just abortion rights, now they're going after gay marriage too, which is so strange to me, that people like Marco Rubio was saying that it was like a silly thing to argue about, to be concerned about … Gay marriage is not silly. It's marriage. It's marriage for people that are homosexual and for them it's important. They want to affirm their love and their relationship, and the fact that they're going after that now almost makes me feel like they want us to fight. They want to divide us in the best way they can and this is the best way for them to keep pulling off all the bullshit they're doing behind the scenes is to get us to fight over things like gay marriage … It's so homophobic because you're saying there's something wrong with being homosexual. By saying you are opposed to gay marriage, you're saying you're opposed to gay people. Because if gay people are in love with each other and they want to have a celebration and they want to be legally bonded and connected—and there's all sorts of benefits to that in terms of financial benefits, taxes—but not only that. If your loved one is in the hospital, you have access to them. And you're the only one who has access to them cause you're their spouse. You're the one who has power of attorney if they're incapacitated. There's a lot to affirming that relationship and the fact that they're going after that now, like, that's the kinda shit that keeps me from becoming a Republican."

Wow, Joe Rogan actually sounding slightly sane for a change, though I take issue with the phrase ‘gay marriage.’ I don’t have a gay marriage; I have a marriage.

photo

Liz Cheney, GOP Representative and Chair of the J6 Committee, on her role in the hearings and her reelection bid in Wyoming:

“I am working hard here in Wyoming to earn every vote, but I will also say this: I’m not going to lie. I’m not going to say things that aren’t true about the election. My opponents are doing that, certainly, simply for the purpose of getting elected. If I have to choose between maintaining a seat in the House of Representatives or protecting the constitutional republic and ensuring the American people know the truth about [Thing 45], I’m going to choose the Constitution and the truth every single day. I’m fighting hard, no matter what happens on August 16th, I’m going to wake up on August 17th and continue to fight hard to ensure [Thing 45] is never anywhere close to the Oval Office ever again.”

Again, I don’t like Liz Cheney’s politics, but I love Liz Cheney’s determination to stand up for this country when so many in her party goose-step behind a racist, rapist, homophobic, traitorous prick because they’re scared of losing their cushy jobs.

I will always stand with Liz on that point.

photo

Mickey Rourke, on Piers Morgan Uncensored, talking smack about Little Tommy Cruise:

“The guy’s been doing the same f’**king part for 35 years, you know? I got no respect for that. Really, brother. I don’t care about money and power. I care about when I watch Al Pacino working, Chris Walken, [Robert] De Niro’s early work, Richard Harris’ work, Ray Winstone’s work — that’s the kind of actor I want to be, like Monty Clift, [Marlon] Brando back in the day. A lot of guys that just tried to stretch as actors. I think [Cruise] is irrelevant, in my world.”

Mickey has kind of made a mockery of his ‘craft,’ what with his surgical alterations to his face, but he’s 100% correct about Cruise: he’s a one trick pony, and the audience keeps lining up to see the same story over and over again.

photo

Bobservations

I’ve said many times here on this blog that Carlos’ knowledge of Pop Culture is almost nil. I mean, the man thinks every single blond female singer is, as he calls her, Ma-dough-na, so this Carlos Tale is no real surprise.

The other night we were watching Jeopardy and the Final Jeopardy answer was;

“This female singer was first inducted to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame as part of a group in 1997 but was also inducted as a solo artist in 2014.”

I instantly said:

“Stevie Nicks.”

Carlos begins to laugh, hard, and I ask why. In between snorts and guffaws, he says:

“They said female singer.”

It took me ten minutes to explain to him who Stevie Nicks is.

PS My answer was correct.

If you care about children’s lives at all, this should make you run to the polls and vote for pro-gun control candidates.

Thing 45 says he has a plan to deal with the homeless: open up large parcels of inexpensive land in the outer reaches of the city and put them in high quality tents.

Concentration camps.

Glenn Thompson, a Republican lawmaker from Pennsylvania joined the majority of his GOP colleagues in voting against a House bill that would codify federal protections for same-sex marriage.

Three days later he attended his gay son’s wedding and released a statement saying he and his wife “were thrilled to attend and celebrate their son’s marriage.”

You know, before it became illegal since that’s what Daddy wants.

I am always looking for the perfect corset to keep my girlish figure, and this one also comes with a hat! Win, win!

Being a musician, Carlos has a thing for commercial jingles, but being an Absentminded Professor type, he rarely remembers any words that go along with the jingle. The other morning an Ozempic commercial came on with their little jingle:

“♪ ♫ Oh-Oh-Oh-Ozempic♫ ♪”

 But Carlos sings:

“♪ ♫ Oh-Oh-Oh-Ocentric♫ ♪”

I explain to him that it’s Ozempic and not Ocentric, and he says:

“In my country it’s pronounced ‘centric.’”

I can’t win with that.

Since he's an idiot, GOP Congressman Matt Gaetz decided to steal a stance on pro-choice activists from Herschel Walker’s lump of fluff son at a rally over the weekend:

"Why is it that the women with the least likelihood of getting pregnant are the ones most worried about having abortions? Nobody wants to impregnate you if you look like a thumb … They're like five-two, 350 pounds and they're like, 'give me my abortions or I'll get up and march and protest.'”

I know, pig. The next week he was confronted by a reporter who asked if he was worried that his comments might offend anyone, and this tool replied:

“Be offended.”

I don’t think Matt Gaetz knows the power of women because most of the women he deals with are underage girls he meets as a sex trafficker.

PS  While the House overwhelmingly passed a bipartisan bill to support human trafficking victims by a vote of 401-20, Matt Gaetz, currently under federal investigation for the alleged sex trafficking of a 17-year-old girl, was a ‘No’.

I recently attended a funeral here in Smallville and during the service I asked the widow if I could say a word; she agreed, so I stood up and said:

“Plethora.”

I sat back down, she looked at me, smiled, and said:

“Thanks. That means a lot.”

Could have happened.

Oops, it appears Little Madison Cawthorn has no money to repay the supporters who donated hundreds of thousands of dollars to his reelection efforts even though he is required by law to refund the donations.

The campaign claims the money has already been spent … on trips to Chick-Fil-A, Papa’s Beer, high-end cigar shops, vacations in Florida and hundreds of thousands of dollars in consulting and fundraising fees Cawthorn paid to his friend and campaign manager, Blake Harp.

No mention of the money Madison spent on women’s lingerie for his cruise vacations.

Cayman Cardiff is a fitness model, actor and model, personal trainer and premed Student and also a hot hunk of homosexual himbo. So, Would You Hit It?

Architecture Wednesday: Off The Grid Cabin

I know very little about this house … other than it’s little … it’s in Kona on the big island of Hawaii … and it’s 100% off-the-grid living.

All the exterior walls are glass, with a center cube that contains a bedroom, two bunks, a literal hallway kitchen and bathroom—for those more darning there is also an outdoor shower.

If you’re feeling claustrophobic in your tiny glass block there is also the wrap-around deck and the landscape to enjoy. I might not like living in this every day, but ass a getaway house this suits my needs.

Plus, you know, Hawaii.

Dwell