I Ain;t One To Gossip But ...

About a week ago, 27-year-old singer August Alsina—and, to be fair, I have no idea who he is—revealed that he had had an affair with  48-year-old Jada Pinkett-Smith a few years ago and fell in love with her. Okay, whatever; but then he also dropped a nugget about having Jada’s husband, Will Smith’s approval to bang his wife. Okay, whatever, because there have long been rumors that Will and Jada are not the most monogamous couple on the planet and rumors have also swirled that Will may swing both ways.

BUT … where this story gets rich is that as soon as Alsina told his tale, Will and Jada jumped on it and said it never happened, wasn’t true, and that Alsina was a flat-out liar.

BUT … now the Smiths have come clean. Jada even used her Facebook talk show, Red Table Talk, to admit that she’d had an affair with Alsina but that … wait for it because it stinks like the first time … she and Will were separated at the time.

::::coughbullshitcough:::

Jada and Will ran to Jada’s “show” to talk about her ahem, ‘relationship’ and began by lying again when they said their denial of the affair didn’t come from them; oh, yeah, it came from your people who work for you, and say what you want them to say, but when they heard Jada was banging a two decades younger man they released a denial on their own?

::::coughbullshitcough:::

Jada also mumbled some mess about “healing” over the separation and that about four years ago, she met August—who was a friend of her son, Jaden—and that August was “really, really sick” at the time and it was all about helping him; cuz banging him will soothe what ails him since Jada’s vagina has healing qualities.

::::coughbullshitcough:::

 She also ALLEGED that Will had dumped her ass shortly before she began banging her son’s friend; or as she called it, an “entanglement,” as in their limbs are all entangled on the bed at the closest No-Tell Motel.

So, Jada thought Will was ever going to talk to her again—wonder what caused that split, because her banging her son’s friend didn’t end the marriage—and she just wanted to feel good and August heal his mental state.

::::coughbullshitcough:::

And so she used her therapeutic vagina to help someone with mental issues by f**king ‘em?

Will and Jada ended the episode by saying this together:

“We ride together, we die together, bad marriage for life!”

::::coughbullshitcough:::

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I don’t generally relish in a couple’s marriage falling apart, but this time, well, my shallow mind and black heart perked up a little bit.

My-Husband-In-My-Head, Armie Hammer and his wife, Elizabeth Chambers are finished. Now, while they have ALLEGEDLY been quarantining on a tropical island somewhere, Armie says they split up in January … perhaps on my birthday? As a secret message to me?

But, while Armie and Elizabeth filed for divorce at the same time, he says January was the end, and she says July; she wants custody of the kids and he wants shared custody. She says it was “irreconcilable differences” and he says it’s because he loves me.

Well, something like that, I think. At any rate, Armie, if you need to, un, “talk,” I’m here.

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And now for another story of the sad lives of the rich, famous, and clearly delusional … Robert De Niro was forced to cut his ex-wife, Grace Hightower’s, monthly American Express limit from $100,000 to $50,000 because he’s taken a financial hit during the pandemic.

Yes, the Nobu restaurants and luxury hotel he has stakes in have been closed—or partially closed—since March and he isn’t making as many coins.

But De Niro failed to mention that the Nobu brand received between $11 million and $28 million in PPP loans welfare from the government, so take a seat Bobby. When you are struggling to pay your rent or put food on the table, rather than kvetching about your poor ex-wife only being allowed to spend $50,000 of your bucks a month, maybe you’ll look less like a self-entitled, one percent prick.

And yeah, I’m talkin’ to you.

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Now for a guessing game … in these Pandemic Times, under lockdown, we’ve seen a rash of celebrity breakups. But rumor has it that one celebrity couple broke up over Black Lives Matter because one half supports BLM and the other might be an All Lives Matter fool.

But who could it be … here’s the list of broken relationships in the time of COVID-19:

Mary-Kate Olsen and Olivier Sarkozy
Thomas Middleditch and Mollie Gates
Julianne Hough and Brooks Laich
Megan Fox and Brian Austin Green
Jaime King and Kyle Newman
Kelly Clarkson and Brandon Blackstock
Christina Ricci and James Heerdegen
Kristin Cavallari and Jay Cutler
Kacey Musgraves and Ruston Kelly
Clark Gregg and Jennifer Grey
Dr. Dre and Nicole Young
Jordana Brewster and Andrew Form
Grace Gummer and Tay Strathairn

Armie Hammer and Elizabeth Chambers

Well, it might just be Armie Hammer and Elizabeth Chambers because this rumor went viral right after they announced their split. And, after a quick perusal of their individual Instagram accounts, you find that Armie’s is full of Black Lives Matter stuff and Elizabeth’s is not … at all.

All the more reason for Armie to call me.

Just sayin’.

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Mother of the Century,  and Boxed Wine Enthusiast, Dina Lohan is all set to get married, y’all. And it was a rough go. It was just last year that Mama Lohan announced she and her boyfriend, Jesse Nadler, had broken up after five years because in those five years they had never met in person and something seemed off.

And this time it wasn’t Dina.

Cut to 2020 and a pandemic and Jesse FedEx’d a ring to Dina and the couple will walk down the aisle, hopefully in the same room because Diona says they will definitely meet in person before the wedding.

I give it about six minutes after the ‘I do’s’.

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