It's Snarkurday .... But First, A Favor

If y’all just take a minute and send some positive thoughts to my brother, David, and his wife, Debbie, in California. They have lost their house and everything in it to the Paradise fire.

They are both okay, as are their pets, but now it’s a matter of rebuilding …

Send good thoughts their way … thanks.

We all know Alec Baldwin has a short fuse and that one day he’d be arrested for his temper, but who knew it would involve a parking space?

Yup, Alec Baldwin ALLEGEDLY punched someone while fighting over a New York City parking spot. Now, to be fair, parking your car in a Manhattan garage can cost a literal arm and a leg, but surely Baldwin has those kinds of coins, so why is he dueling it out for a sweet street spot?

Well, it’s because he claims he had a friend hold the spot for him—was he lying down in it—until some man managed to slip in without running over the Baldwin friend. And that’s when Alec went all … Alec … screaming “Fuck off!” and becoming more and more enraged until he punched the unnamed guy in the jaw.

This isn’t the first time Alec has been arrested, but it’s more fun than the previous time when he was collared for riding a bicycle on the wrong side of the road and not having his ID on him.

Now he’s punching out strangers because they pulled a swift one on his Parking Dog.

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Lindsay Lohan apparently still thinks she’s a big star … because one of her representatives—and that may be just the guy on the nearest bar stool—went begging for deals on a Facebook group for publicists and marketers asking that interested parties should “reach out if you rep a brand that is interested in endorsement opportunities with Lindsay.”

The rep then suggested that “acceptable brands include: fashion, beauty, car, lifestyle, CPG, fitness/lifestyle, food/drinks, entertainment/media, tech. Must have a substantial budget.”

He got three responses.

I get more than that for a picture of Tuxedo on my Timeline.

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Kim Kardastrophe, who once famously claimed, on social media, that she would dial back her social media activity, is now using … wait for it … social media, to explain why she’s an idiot.

Kim, and her BFF … not her husband … Jonathan Cheban, went to Kendall’s Halloween party dressed as Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee at the 1999 MTV VMAs because …? There is no answer.

And naturally Kardastrophe spent most of the evening filming herself and then posting it to Instagram asking people to guess her costume. And it turned out most people couldn’t figure it out … remember, she went as a has-been actress from 1999 … when most of her “fans” were still in utero, she got a little testy.

So, testy in fact, that she said, of one of the people who doesn’t know, or give a flying eff, about Pamela Anderson, “retarded.”

Yes. She did. And quicker than you can say Gimme more hits on social media she was back on social media apologizing for using the ‘R’ word:

“I want to apologize for what I said in a recent video post that is inappropriate and insensitive to the special needs community. I try to learn from my mistakes and this is one of those times. Please know that my intention is always pure, and in this case, it was a mistake. I’m sorry.”

You’d think being married to a lunatic would make her be more careful when choosing her words, but, you know, she’s an idiot.

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I do love some Emma Thompson …

She was recently appointed a Dame and Prince William awarded her the honor, with Thompson posting to social media:

“I love Prince William. I’ve known him since he was little, and we just sniggered at each other. I said, ‘I can’t kiss you, can I?’ And he said, ‘No, don’t!’”

I guess we’re all lucky it wasn’t Harry who proclaimed her a Dame; who knows what she might have asked to do with Hot Prince Ginger.

I have some ideas … but only for when Harry makes me a Dame!

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Back to the Kardastrophe that is Kim.

Remember when she became famous for doing a porn film with her then-boyfriend Ray J?
Well, now her co-star in that epic film is ALLEGEDLY talking, and not talking, about their sexy times together.

Ray J claims Kimmy would stop, mid-f**k, to reapply her make-up or to take a phone call from That Woman … who was probably directing the sex from a closed-circuit TV somewhere.

Naturally, retired porn star Kim Kardastrophe took to Twitter to call Ray J a pathological liar.

Bitch, look in a mirror. But maybe Ray J got a’scurred of That Woman’s evil powers because now he’s walking back his original story with a much longer, more boring version:

“I felt like I needed to come online and shut down all of these false rumors that are going on about me and what I said about somebody I’ve been with in the past… Let me make this one thing clear: I’m in a great place in my life. I’m happy. I love my wife. I’ve got a beautiful new baby girl, her name is Melody Love Norwood and I’ve been trying to be the best parent I can be. I would never say these things after watching my wife go through labor for 28 hours, okay? This is disgusting. The person I am now is not who I was in the past. And I need y’all to give me a chance to grow and to love and to respect the people I’m with without trying to slander my name, please. God is working, and obviously the devil is trying to work, too, but it will not happen. I will not let that happen, y’all… I love my wife and I have nothing but respect for everybody out there, past and present. False rumors.”

That’s a whole lotta nothing, and, you know, who doesn’t believe Kim would postpone the sex to fix her face, even her old one, or call her mama, or post a selfie?

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Sometimes, no matter how good you think you look, you shouldn’t be brag about your beauty costs.

Real Housewife of New Jersey, and ex-con, Teresa Giudice announced that she spends $22,077 a month on her beauty routine.

That’s a lot of pancake to spatula on and spray tanning via firehose. And when you consider all the money she is going to have to fork over for an immigration attorney in the coming months to keep her husband Joe from being deported after he gets out of the Big House, maybe Giudice ought to stick with budget Maybelline and Dollar Store Botox.

Amirite?

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Last spring, Judith Nathan Giuliani filed for divorce from Rudy Giuliani, claiming he was both a liar and a cheat …and not to mention a literal member of the rat family. But now Judy is adding more to her list of complaints about Rudy; she says he’s overspending their money and that he’s a fool.

That last one is a given.

Recent court documents accuse Rudy of spending $900,000 since their divorce filing, with a buttload going for his new mistress, cigars and … pens.

Pens? Pens. Yes, Rudy spent about $12,000 on cigars since he asked his wife to divorce him so he could marry his next mistress, and also bought $7,100 worth of pens. He’s also accused of spending $286,532 on his ALLEGED mistress, the still very married, Maria Rosa Ryan and $447,938 “for his own enjoyment”—wouldn’t that also be Maria?—as well as $165,165 “for travel expenses”.

And best of all, while Rudy is buying someone else’s wife and cigars and Bics, he is also claiming he cannot pay the third future ex-Mrs. Giuliani any support because he is “dealing with a diminished income” since he quit his law practice to go work for Donald Trump “for free”.

Free. That’s rich. The only thing Giuliani does for free is his mistresses ... until he leaves his wife, and then he starts paying.

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