I Ain't One To Gossip, But ....

Well, someone finally said … well, at least someone kinda famous said it: Tommy Cruise is short.

Lee Child, the author of the Jack Reacher novels just announced that Tom is too much of a Tiny Tom to play the title character again.

Reacher is described in the books as being almost six-and-a-half feet tall, with hands the size of dinner plates and Tom stands about five-foot-seven soaking wet with lifts in his shoes and hands the size of _____ hands. And Child says:

“Cruise, for all his talent, didn’t have that physicality. I really enjoyed working with Cruise. He’s a really, really nice guy … but ultimately the readers are right. The size of Reacher is really, really important and it’s a big component of who he is. The idea is that when Reacher walks into a room, you’re all a little nervous just for that first minute. And Cruise, for all his talent, didn’t have that physicality.”

Lee adds that maybe if they reboot the Wizard of Oz Cruise could have a shot as the Mayor of Munchkin City.

Or maybe I said that.

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I do love shade, and actress Zoë Kravitz is my new Shadestress.

On an episode Watch What Happens Live to promote Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes of Grindewald a caller asked Zoë about her appearance in Lily Allen’s memoir My Thoughts Exactly in which Lily claimed she and Zoë partied one night in 2014 and ended up kissing; when the caller asked Zoë if she was warned by Lily about that story, Zoë Mariah Carey’d Lily by saying:

“Who’s Lily Allen?”

And then Zoë told her side of the kissing story:

“If by ‘kissing’ she means, like, attacking, then yes, she kissed me. She attacked me.”

Zoë then said it was portrayed in the book like she wanted Lily to kiss her and that wasn’t the case; and when Andy Cohen asked Zoë if she read Lily’s book, she said—and I love it:

“I don’t think anybody read the book.”

It.Was.Deliciously.Shady.

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According to multiple sources—Kellyanne, Huckleberry and Junior—_____’s favorite child, and Girlfriend-In-His-Head, Ivanka, and the third Missus _____ do not get along. And the drama ALLEGEDLY stems from who was going to get to take that fashion trip to Africa first.

Y’all recall that last month, Melanie took a solo trip to Africa to parade various outfits around the pyramids and small children. But when Melanie’s handlers presented the idea of the Africa trip months earlier, Ivanka’s minions informed them that the First Lady Daughter was planning her own trip, but just hadn’t announced it yet. And so Melanie said:

“I don’t care. I need to get away from Orange Baboon so I go now,”

And off she went, leaving Ivanka , her Chief Minion and Baggage Handler, Jared, and their Lapdog, Miss PittyPatFlippetyFlop Lindsey Graham to plan their own trip sometime next year where Ivanka will model clothes, Jared will play mute, and Miss Lindsey will try on Ivanka’s Manolos.

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It looks like Kardastrophe-adjacent Blac Chyna may just see less coins  now that Rob Kardastrophe is trying to pay less child support for their daughter, Kream …Dream.

After months of fighting over payments, Rob filed papers demanding that the20K he pays a month to Chyna be reduced because he “can no longer afford these orders” since, wait for it, Chyna filed domestic violence claims against him. Rob says.

“I have not participated in the filming of any episodes [of KUWTK] since this summer when [Chyna] filed a request for a restraining order against me. Her request was widely publicized and I was scrutinized by the media … It has been an extraordinarily difficult time for me emotionally and I have no desire to continue participating in the reality show. I would like to maintain my privacy, try to recover from the emotional damage of the past several months, and explore other business ventures.”

Wait; your Baby Mama says you’re violent, so you stop filming your reality show and then cry poor, so you can pay her even less? Bitch, please.

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And so now Blac Chyna and Rob Kardastrophe’s child support fight is headed into Round Three.

It seems Rob wants to pay less money to his baby and Baby Mama because he’s broke; oh, not broke like eating mayonnaise sandwiches without the bread broke, but broke as in even Kourtney has more money than Rob. Court documents show that when during the breakup with Chyna, Rob was forced to sell his lucrative—that makes me giggle just typing–sock line to That Woman.  

Yup, Mama bought the socks and now Rob is claiming poverty and even had to move back into the Koven with her.

And of course, That Woman confirmed all of this because it makes her look good to make her son look like a failure:

“I helped Robert with his sock line business, Arthur George. I infused the business with capital, purchased goods, and set up distribution and fulfillment centers amongst other tasks. In exchange for the work I did and the money I put in, I acquired 50% interest in the business.”

He cannot film his fake show and he cannot sell socks and he’s moved back in with the Devil who bought his business. And I think she got his soul, too.

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I love me some Real Housewives of Beverly Hills and am a particular fan of the spectacular Lisa Vanderpump.

Well, ALLEGEDLY there has been some tension this upcoming season between LVP and the other “wives,” and rumor has it she may be leaving the show. Vanderpump has been absent during much of the filming for the upcoming season—she did suffer a death in the family—and some say it’s because there was some spat involving Dorit Kemsley—whom I loathe—and a dog adopted from Lisa’s organization, VanderPups,  and later returned.

Bravo, knowing she is a fan favorite, is staying mum, saying only:

“Lisa will appear in the majority of episodes this season. She has not been filming at every event, but fans can expect to see her throughout. The show will return to Bravo in early 2019.”

But another source—and it could be Brandi Glanville stirring her witches’ cauldron—says:

“Lisa has only filmed on a few occasions during the beginning of filming this season and has been absent the remainder of the time. She has been refusing to film and … her interactions with the ladies have been solely negative. Lisa has still not returned to filming and as of now has no plan to. It’s too far gone, and Lisa agrees that she shouldn’t return at this point.”

I’m’a just say it, if she goes, I go, because I will be VanderBummed.

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For the past ten years, Gwyneth Paltrow has run a multi-million-dollar business saying thousand dollar t-shirts and vaginal eggs to gullible rich women with too much time on their hands and no limit on their AMEX.

But Gwynnie wants y’all to know show she struggled, struggled, to find investors for GOOP because no one wanted anything to do with her special brand of crazy because … wait for it …it’s as precious as anything she sells … she was too famous.

Seriously; she wants people to think that if she was Missus Betty Paltrow from Iowa who came up with an idea to sell shady medical cures and cheap threads jacked-up in price, investors would be clamoring for a piece of the pie, but because she’s an Oscar winner—having won the Oscar Harvey Weinstein bought for her—no one would help.

Siddown, snake-oil salesperson.

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