Monday, July 17, 2017

Monday Chuckles

Yes, Russia; yes, healthcare; yes, collusion. But, sometimes, you just gotta laugh at the buffoonery that goes on and so, to start off the week, I want to giggle, for a minute ....

It appears that ______ thinks deleting emails is worse than one actual email showing that Junior and his campaign colluded with Russia to help him win the election and so he Tweeted about it and, well, Twitter came for him:
Hillary Clinton can illegally get the questions to the Debate & delete 33,000 emails but my son Don is being scorned by the Fake News Media?”—@realDonald_____
First of all, _____ was also “tipped off” about debate questions during the GOP primary, and that may mean he was also given some questions prior to debates with Hillary. And, secondly, Hillary Clinton did nothing that former Secretaries of States Colin Powell and Condoleezza Rice also did by using private email servers to receive classified information. Plus, W’s administration deleted 22 million emails without so much as a ‘What?’ from the GOP so, yeah, shut up.

And while Clinton’s emails were the story during the campaign, and _____ even suggested he’d prosecute her, he hasn’t done it because he can’t; the FBI cleared Clinton twice during their investigation.

So Twitter reminded him of that:
“Hillary Clinton did not take aid from a foreign government, you absolute tool.”(@AynRandPaulRyan)
 “Your son is going to jail. Get used to it.”—@evanoconnell
As bad as it is, getting questions to a debate in advance isn’t “illegal.” Get a better grip on the laws you were elected to uphold.”—@ChrChristensen
“It’s illegal to collude with a hostile power to hack an election. Not to get tipped off in a TV debate.”—@peterjukes
And my favorite, concise, yet cogent:
“Resign.”@NikolajSteen
Let’s move on to KellyAnneConway1.0, AKA Ann Coulter.

Coulter had a bad day on Saturday and so she took it out on the closest darker-skinned person she could find.

Coulter says that Delta Airlines gave her “extra room seat”—one with extra legroom—that she bought another passenger and moved her to a regular person seat and the meltdown followed ... via Twitter, of course:
Just when you think it’s safe to fly them again, the worst airline in America is STILL: @Delta—@AnnCoulter
“Does your union hate you, @Delta? Not really worth spending all that money on planes when @Delta gate staff give your seat away.”—@AnnCoulter
Coulter then tweeted a photo of an African-American flight attendant who informed her that she didn’t know why Coulter’s seat was changed…
“Why are you taking me out of the extra room seat I specifically booked, @Delta?’ Flight attendant: “I don’t know.”—@AnnCoulter
And then she went after the woman who was sitting in the seat Coulter says was hers:
“@Delta didn’t give my extra room seat to an air marshall or tall person. Here’s the woman given my PRE-BOOKED seat.”—@AnnCoulter
Delta has no response but, according to Coulter, she was told there was some sort of emergency that made it necessary ... like, no one wanted to sit near Ann Coulter?

She doesn’t care, though:
“Hey @Delta, you mind telling me why it was an “emergency” to move someone else into the seat I had carefully chosen in advance and booked?”—@AnnCoulter
And then she kvetched about the WiFi:
Also, @Delta, your wifi doesn’t work — probably to prevent passengers from tweeting from the plane about how they’re being treated.”—@AnnCoulter
@JetBlue has free wifi and doesn’t wantonly remove passengers from their assigned seats, booked in advance FOR A REASON. @Delta sucks.”—@AnnCoulter
And she goes on ....
So glad I took time investigate the aircraft & PRE-BOOK a specific seat on @Delta, so some woman could waltz at the last min & take my seat.”—@AnnCoulter
“But at least @Delta was nice @ it, summarily snatching my ticket from my hand & ordering me to move w/o explanation, compensation or apology.”—@AnnCoulter
“Suckiest @Delta moved me from my PRE-BOOKED SEAT & gave it to some woman, not elderly, child, or sick. I have pictures so don’t lie, @Delta!”—@AnnCoulter
If she was hoping to hurt Delta’s ticket sales, she failed:
United: Man, airlines are taking a beating on Twitter.
American: WE NEED TO DO SOMETHING!Delta: We’ll mess with Ann Coulter.”—@HITEXECUTIVE
“Holy shit, people hate Ann Coulter so much they’re willing to take the side of delta airline!!!! DELTA.”—@TheStephenPratt
God, imagine being trapped on a plane with Ann Coulter for hours. Everyone on that plane deserves a fucking medal.”—@cmclymer
“Ann Coulter is OK with 22 million people losing their health coverage. Just don’t ask her to move seats on a plane. That really sets her off.”—@RealDonalDrumpf
“I heard snowflake Ann Coulter have a tantrum back in coach. I asked the flight attendant to draw the curtain. Such loud trash back there!”—@BettyBowers
But seriously, I’m jealous of this woman. How many people get to say “Ann Coulter asked me for my seat on a plane. I told her to piss off.”—@fawfulfan
“Ann Coulter=”Blacks need to get over their victim mentality”Ann Coulter has to change seats on Delta=”Oh my God, I’m being victimized!”—@tariqnasheed
 “I would fly Delta specifically because they pissed off Ann Coulter.”—@KEthePE
And in one swift move Delta regains all the good will they lost by bumping Ann Coulter.”—@ChadJohann
 “Farts are funny and bring joy. Ann Coulter is what a painful, constipated wheeze of a dry, bloodied sphincter would sound like.”—@jordanzakarin
I’d be mad if @Delta, without warning, sat Ann Coulter next to me.”—@cbn2
 “Ann Coulter is having a dispute with @Delta ,apparently her broom is in the shop this week. #ObviousJoke.”—@ChubbyWaiter
 Gosh, I love a funny TwitRage!

Now, back to _____, another diva who thinks he deserves special treatment.

See, he was set to visit the United Kingdom until he found out that people there hate him just as much, or more, than people here, and so he cancelled the visit.

But the lure of riding in a golden carriage—and that’s not a euphemism for giving a golden shower to a Russian hooker—proved too strong for _____ and so he placed a call to British Prime Minister Theresa May and said:
“I haven’t had great coverage out there lately, Theresa.”
And she replied:
“Well, you know what the British press are like.”
And so that’s when _____ demanded that May “fix it” to make sure he only gets cheering crowds and wide praise during a trip to England.
“I still want to come, but I’m in no rush. So, if you can fix it for me, it would make things a lot easier. When I know I’m going to get a better reception, I’ll come and not before.”
Seriously. This is the President [for now] of the United States refusing to visit an ally because the press and the people there don’t like him.

If it only it worked that way here we’d never see or hear of this Toddler Tyrant again.

Remember when the Pussy Groper was in France last week and met the country’s First Lady, Brigitte Macron, and said:
“You’re in such good shape.”
And then turned to her husband, President Emmanuel Macron, and said:
“She’s in such good physical shape. Beautiful.”
Most people know you don’t say to someone you’re meeting for the first time how great their shape is, and you don’t tell that person’s spouse the same thing as though you’re commenting on a prize show dog, but that’s our _____.

But Reebok stepped up to give Pussy Groper some pointers:
“In case you were wondering when it IS appropriate to say, ‘You’re in such good shape ... beautiful.’"
“For instance, if you’re in an elevator with a woman, it’s probably not a good idea. Introducing yourself to your mother-in-law? At the gym working out in the vicinity of a woman? Nope — none of that.”
“Are you a world leader greeting the spouse of a head of state?” — Nope.”
Kinda common sense, no? I mean, for everyone on the planet who doesn’t think because he’s ALLEGEDLY rich he can sexually assault women, it’s common sense. And yet it made no sense to conservatives, who tried coming for Reebok:
“You should stick with selling shoes and stay out of politics, just lost a customer. #MAGA”—Pam (@pmseever)
I guess, Pam, whom I’m guessing is female, wouldn’t mind _____ looking up and down at her daughter like a show pony and commenting on her shape? Siddown Pam.
Good example of why Reebok is a has been.”—Patrick Reagan @Reagan6Patrick
Apparently Patrick thinks treating women with respect is out of date? May explain why Patrick never gets a date.
Just what I needed today, a sporting goods company lecturing me on when I can compliment a woman like.”—Bert Kallio @bert_kallio
Oh, Bert, you should meet Pam.
Is that you trolling our @POTUS? More reason NOT to like you or buy your overpriced crap!”—Saltwater P @_____GirlStrong
_____GirlStrong? Really?
“Won’t be buying any Reebok’s for my family anymore. You should have stuck to selling shoes. You may lose the red shaded areas as customers.”—Ex-DemLatina @terrymendozer
Not a loss, really, since most of the Red Areas that support Pussy Groper are some of the poorest areas in the country.
When is it appropriate for a gym shoe company to get political…….NEVER!”— Steph @sa55m55a
Actually, it wasn’t politics at all, it was good manners ... which _____ lacks.
“jesus christ the world today. a brand about hot ass women in sportswear is fucking posting this. I swear to god I will never buy a rebok.”—B. Martin @crushedatoma
Um, B? May I call you B? With all the time you’ll save not shopping Reebok maybe you should take a course in grammar and spelling?

So, these “deplorables” are threatening to boycott Reebok ... like they did to Starbucks and Kellogg’s and all those other companies to no avail.

Sit down, fools. None of you wears fitness gear for any other reason than you’ll have something stretchy that ties at the waist to slip into before you head to Wal-Mart to buy Pork Rinds, Pabst and The Enquirer.

Now, to finish off with a giggle about the _____ White House ...

St. Louis Post-Dispatch parenting writer Aisha Sultan Tweeted this story last week:
My British-born husband takes his oath of citizenship today. In the packet for new Americans, the welcome letter from POTUS is from Obama.”
Yup, _____ & Co. have been in office six months now and still the Welcome Letter to new citizens is from President Obama.

Sadly, now that the truth is out there, I half-expect _____ to disavow the citizenship of anyone who got the Obama Welcome—especially if they’re the wrong color—until they receive the welcome letter from _____, written in Crayon. But since we’re laughing, let’s wander over to Twitter and see what they’re saying about the glitch:
"I get mine in a few weeks. Really hoping this doesn’t change between now and then.”—farazter
“Maybe [Obama] still is President and Ashton Kutcher is about to jump out and punk us all.”—Will Consuegra Esq.
I don’t know, but there’s a huge shower with Patrick Duffy inside being built on the National Mall …”—Larry Nemecek
“[_____’s Welcome Letter] would probably start with “Hey loser!” and pretty much go downhill from there.”Canucklehead
Because he doesn’t welcome them, unless he is going to marry them.”—Plague Doctor
But what we’re all really thinking is:
Congratulations to your husband! I also want to live where Obama is still POTUS.”Clotho
We can dream, right? And have a laugh?

11 comments:

Deedles said...

What a great way to start my manic (gotta do laundry) Monday. Thanks Bob!

Jennifer said...

I loved all of these! Thanks! Haha!

mistress maddie said...

I was watching some, but very little of the French meeting that day. But I did see when Trump said that to her. I was appalled and just spook my head. I was so embarrassed for the frump for embarrassing us. Yet again.

Of course when I saw how short her dress was I was worry about Trumps "old habits" surfacing with such a temptation.

the dogs' mother said...

I agree with Maddie...! :-)

anne marie in philly said...

all GOPrick deplorables can go suck dump's tiny tiny dick.

the rest of us will work on RESISTING and IMPEACHING!

Raybeard said...

If he's that keen on getting a golden coach ride we all know where I'm sure one can be provided for him - taking him round and round Red Square till he's dizzy, with crowds of fawning, applauding spectators delivered as per his specifications to hosanna him until his poor, over-burdened heart bursts with joy (with a bit of luck).

Debra She Who Seeks said...

Oh my, STILL using the Welcome Letter from Obama! That says it all.

Dave R said...

You do have to laugh at this incompetence left to boil over.

Anne Johnson said...

You saved the best tweet for last. Classic!

Professor Chaos said...

Does Il Douche seriously think there's some law against getting debate questions in advance? (or, to be fair ONE debate question). Maybe I should have been jailed for copying off the smart kid during biology tests.

Helen Lashbrook said...

Please keep POTUS in your neck of the woods; we can't afford to make the gold coach bomb proof! Tell der Trumpenfuhrer that we can't even made a tower block fire proof; perhaps that will douse his enthusiasm. And why should a harmless 90 year old lady be forced to endure his company?