It's Snarkurday!

I am not into footballer Cristiano Ronaldo. He’s a little too plucked and primped and gelled and lotioned for me, but, ALLEGEDLY, that’s just fine with Badr Hari, a Moroccan kickboxer, with whom it is ALLEGED that Cristiano is having an ALLEGED gay old time.

It all began with reports in Spain that claimed Madrid officials — and Madrid is a team, not just a city — were concerned about Ronaldo’s lifestyle affecting his performances. See, it seems Ronaldo frequently flies to North Africa after sessions with his team to spend time with Hari.  And, because of that, Daniel Riolo, host of France’s ‘Touche pas a mon sport’, hinted that pair were more than just friends:

“Ronaldo takes three or four jets a week to see a friend in Morocco to cuddle.”

And, well, the pictures Hari posts on social media do show a holiday vacation he took with Cristiano … with Cristiano being lifted up in Hari’s arms above the caption:

“Just married. Always there to pick you up, bro”.

And other pictures show a candle-lit image of a traditional Moroccan meal, as well as a picture of the “couple” pair post “wedding”.

Now, to be fair, Ronaldo has been linked with every hot female swimsuit model currently alive on the planet but … Ronaldo’s love of fashion, accessories and grooming have always led people to question his sexuality in the past, and he’s responded quite vaguely:

“I’m at ease with my sexuality so it’s not a problem for me.”

So maybe gay … maybe not?

Kim and Kanye named their new baby boy, Saint.

Saint West.

Again, this is what happens when Big Ego marries Big Ass.

Speaking of “maybe gay” … Tom Cruise and David Miscavige? I mean, they’re both single now that Katie Holmes Shawshanked Cruise and Miscavige’s wife has “disappeared.”

The Daily Mail has interviews with several former Scientologists who dish the dirt on how much quality time Cruise and his BFF, megalomaniac Scientology leader Miscavige spend together in Scientology compounds around the globe where the two men are waited on hand and foot by Scientology minions who work 24/7 for next to nothing.

Cruise stays for months in a luxurious Scientology-owned villa in Hemet, California, smack dab between a giant mansion built for L. Ron Hubbard’s return — Scientologists think L. Ron will come back in another body and will need a mansion in which to live — and his BFF Miscavige.

And Gary Morehead, former Co$ head of security, says this has lead to a “real bromance between [Cruise and Miscavige]. They do everything together – travel, exercise and cigar smoke together.” He even relates how Miscavige joined Tom and Katie on their honeymoon.

And Morehead says that Tommy is trapped in Scientology and will never ever leave the cult … of his BFF:

“I know people who have worked with Cruise and he’s in it for life. Imagine if you were Tom Cruise – to admit to yourself that you were wrong, it’s a huge blowout. To admit that you’d been hoaxed, that would be very hard to accept.”

Especially when you’re nuts.

There are some celebrities that seem like normal people and act like normal people, and then there’s Madonna … nothing normal about her.

After her show in London, Madge left the O2 Arena, but the streets were overflowing with people and cars also leaving the concert and so Madonna … Madonna … was forced to sit in traffic like regular people; and she was not having it.

Her driver pulled out a flashing red light, placed it on the dashboard and then cut right though traffic playing like he was a police officer; and The Sun, a London paper, has pictures of it, witnesses, who say that, in addition to the flashing lights, there was also a siren blaring from the car.

Well, that siren blaring could have been just Madonna “singing.”

At any rate, now Scotland Yard is investigating and if anyone is hit with charges, it would be Madge’s driver … and you know she’ll sell him down the river because that’s how that bitch rolls.

Let’s recap: Back in May, Johnny Depp was filming Pirates of Caribbean 5: Nobody Cares Anymore in Australia and his new wife, “actress” Amber Heard joined him in Queensland, along with their dogs, Pistol and Boo, via private plane. Heard never got the proper paperwork on the dogs and didn’t follow the proper protocols involved with bringing foreign animals into Australia.

It was all a big to-do with Aussie Agriculture Minister Barnaby Joyce going so far as to say he would have Boo and Pistol euthanized, and Amber calling Joyce a famewhore. But, she ended up taking the dogs out of the country, and both Amber and Johnny said they’d never be back … unless there is going to be a Pirates of Caribbean 6: Who The F**k Asked For This.

Still, she was charged with “illegally importing” the dogs and here’s the update: Heard plans to plead not guilty to charges of ALLEGEDLY and illegally sneaking the dogs into Australia and, through her lawyer, because Amber can’t speak without a script, she says she  will fight charges  although she respects “the importance of Australian laws.”

Guffaw. She’s just the spoiled wannabe actress wife of a spoiled fading film star who doesn’t think the rules apply to her.

If found guilty, Heard could face up to 10 years in prison and a $75,000 fine for the two counts of illegal importation as well as up to one year in prison and a $7,500 fine for the ALLEGED false documents.

The good news? Prison could keep her from, ahem, “acting” any more and that way we all win.

Mandy Moore likes her animals, and apparently she likes them so much she wants her soon-to-be ex-husband, Ryan Adams, to pay, um, pet support?

Ryan filed for divorce back in January, and 11 months later, nothing is finalized because they are The Bickersons over who will pay the mortgage on the house — in which she currently lives and yet he pays half the mortgage — and who will pay for their pets.  Yup, the divorce isn’t final because Moore and Adams can’t reach an agreement on money or what to do with their eight pets. 

Moore is whining that her annual income is just a quarter of his and so she needs cash money for the animals:

“I feel as if I have no alternative. Although I love our pets, it is overwhelming for me to take care of eight of them all of the time, even while I travel for work … Without Ryan’s help caring for the house and our pets, I have not been able to work as much as I would like.”

So, she wants the court to order Ryan to pay her $37,000 a month for her and their pets.

Oh yeah, he makes $151,000 a month and Moore makes a paltry $37,500 a month, not enough to care for herself and felines and canines, so she desperately needs that extra 35K a month.

Seriously, Mandy? It’s time to take a seat and think for a moment.

And, speaking of divorce settlements …

Melanie Griffith and Antonio Banderas — who have been split up for a looong time — have only just now completed the asset-splitting portion of their divorce, and Melanie will be getting a whopping $65,000 a month in spousal support.

Now, they do have a daughter together, but Stella in 19 so this 65K isn’t child support; it’s all Melanie.

According to final divorce docs, Antonio made a lot of coins on “The Mask of Zorro,” “Desperado,” and “Spy Kids” and he will keep all that cash; Melanie, likewise, will keep all her film earnings from … What? “Working Girl”? I mean, what else has she done since the 80s?

Still, the deal is that  Melanie and Antonio split money from every movie either of them did between 2004 and 2014, including “Shrek 2,” “Puss in Boots,” “Machete Kills,” “Expendables 3″ and all the others that Antonio did while Melanie sat at home taking a long soak.

Rich people problems; though it makes me wonder, how can I get Antonio to marry me so I can get 65K a month, too?