Saturday, April 25, 2015

It's Snarkurday!

Y’all remember The Sony Hack? The crime that unleashed The Interview on us all? Well, a lot of the story was about the emails between then-Sony-head-and-now-fired Amy Pascal and producer Scott Rudin and their Mean Girl attacks on Angelina Jolie. Well, Wikipedia has posted some of the emails and La Jolie comes off as smart and professional and kind, while Rudin and Pascal come across as bitches who hate.

Any time Jolie emails one or both of them about a proposed Cleopatra film, Pascal and Rudin snipe about her, as when Rudin writes:
“I’m not remotely interested in presiding over a $180m ego bath … the last thing anybody needs is to make a giant bomb with her that any fool could see coming… I have no need to keep her happy. There is NO relationship with any movie star — ANY one — that requires our willingness to prostrate ourselves this way in the face of childish, irresponsible, willful and un-partnerly behavior.”
When Pascal forwards her email bitchfest with Rudin to Sony Entertainment CEO Michael Lynton, Lynton writes: “You guys are nuts to put this in an email.” 

Sound advice; not taken.

Oh, and the best is when Scott Rudin asked La Jolie if she was interested in starring as Ma Ingalls … seriously … in his film adaptation of Little House on the Prairie alongside … wait for it … Tom Cruise as Pa Ingalls. Seriously? Tom Cruise as Pa Ingalls? Everyone knows he's Half-Pint!

Still, Angelina liked the script, but said no to him because:
“I love Little House but don’t think I am the best person to do it. You have a very special project and a brilliant script and I am beyond grateful you would give me a chance to consider it.” 
This was at the same time Rudin was screeching about Angelina being a “spoiled brat.”

Meanwhile, Jolie just goes along with her life; oh, and her job — unlike Pascal — and her dignity — unlike Scott Rudin.

I’ve always loved how Madonna gets on her high horse when people disrespect her, um, “art,” and yet she has no problem being disrespectful herself. I mean, remember the time she attended a screening of Twelve Years A Slave and texted throughout the film? And when someone in the audience told her to put it away that time, she yelled, “It’s for business … ENSLAVER!” Well, she’s done it again, this time at a Broadway show and this time she was called out by the star of the show.

Madonna went to see Lin-Manuel Miranda in the Broadway musical Hamilton. Miranda wrote, directed and stars in the life story — told through hip-hop — of Alexander Hamilton and he is now Broadway’s newest darling.

So, Madge was sitting in the audience, being Madge, and ALLEGEDLY texted all the way through Act 2 and Miranda was not having it and he Tweeted:
“Tonight was the first time I asked stage management NOT to allow a celebrity — who was texting all through Act 2 — backstage #noselfieforyou.
The Tweet was later deleted, but a source in the audience — perhaps it was Lohan looking for another theater gig … as an usher — says Madonna was texting throughout the night:
“It was definitely her. She was texting, I believe, although at one point she also pulled out a Blackberry. She was also 20 minutes late and caused quite a stir getting to her seat.”
Eventually Madge put down her phone after someone in the audience — and it might have been Patti LuPone who hates phones in theaters — hissed, “Shut it off!”

Still, Madge may have had good reason; perhaps her new boyfriend was getting out of middle school and needed a ride back to the manse?

HBO’s Going Clear documentary — which I have on the DVR, but still haven’t seen — brought plenty of damaging information about Scientology to the public. A small part of the film discussed the incredibly close friendship between Tom Cruise and CoS leader David Miscavige; Cruise is considered by many to be #2 in command of the ALLEGED church, though it’s clear he would never officially take over the helm because he’s also their biggest financial supporter.

See, for the past several years, Scientology has experienced money troubles — despite its tax-free status — and while they still have $1.5 billion in assets, most of that is in real estate and overhead, and those kinds of “liquid” assets are a problem because, thanks to the internet and the documentary and all that bad press from people who’ve escaped the “church,” people are no longer signing up for their nonsense.

Enter Cruise, chief CoS moneymaker. CoS desperately needs Mission: Impossible 5 to be a success because Tom’s backend deals ... tee hee, backend deals ... with studios are sweet and his money is about all they have coming in. I mean, that’s what a private 
investigator ALLEGEDLY  working for Miscavige told Wisconsin police when they brought him in for questioning in July 2013.

“Where do you think the funding comes from?” an investigator asked private investigator Daniel Powell in audio recordings.

“Probably Tom Cruise,” Powell says, to audible laughter. “I’m being serious, that’s probably where it comes from. [He] funds the church with anything they need. So he’s pretty much funding all of this. We make jokes all the time — when Tom Cruise’s last movie came out — it was a terrible movie, we were going around telling everybody how awesome the movie was. Go see the movie so Tom Cruise can get paid and we can get paid.”

I know it sounds crazy, but it also sounds true. I mean, no wonder he divorces his wives before the ten year end of pre-nup clause comes into effect. And he’s selling off real estate like there’s no tomorrow: his Hollywood Hills home can be yours for $13 million, while his Telluride manse is on the market for $59 million.

He needs the cash. Xenu spaceships don’t come cheap. ALLEGEDLY.

I love this one …

Tom Hardy is in a new film called Child 44 which, for some reason, is expected to bomb, so he’s not doing a lot of press for it. But when he does press, and when he’s asked about the Russian accent he use in the film, well, he says this:
“I watched Sesame Street. The Count speaks just like it.” 
Loving it!

Remember last week when Gwyneth Paltrow wrote in her GOOP-letter that she would be taking part in the Food Stamp Challenge? And remember how she posted the $29 worth of food items she bought to feast on for the entire week? And then remember how she went to lunch at a trendy, expensive, Brentwood restaurant, basically giving the challenge a big F-U?

Well, she wants you to know more …
“Last week, chef (and great man) Mario Batali challenged me to raise awareness and money for the NYC Food Bank by trying to live on $29 dollars for the week (what low income families on SNAP are trying to survive on). Dubious that I could complete the week, I donated to the Food Bank at the outset, and all of us at the goop office began the challenge.
As I suspected, we only made it through about four days, when I personally broke and had some chicken and fresh vegetables (and in full transparency, half a bag of black licorice). My perspective has been forever altered by how difficult it was to eat wholesome, nutritious food on that budget, even for just a few days—a challenge that 47 million Americans face every day, week, and year. A few takeaways from the week were that vegetarian staples liked dried beans and rice go a long way—and we were able to come up with a few recipes on a super tight budget.
After trying to complete this challenge I would give myself a C- …”
And she goes on to talk about how hard people have it, unless you’re GOOP, but seriously? A C-?

Gwyneth, honey? You delusional f**kwad? You.Failed. While many in this country eat for far less than $29 a week, you couldn’t handle four days without breaking, so stop trying to act like you understand.

You deserve an F, as in Shut.The.F.Up.

While on the red carpet for the Time 100 gala and concert, the highlarious — no, she’s seriously funny — Amy Schumer pretended to fall down right in front of Kim and Kanye Kardastrophe.

And what did Kimye do?

He didn’t budge, didn’t crack a smile, didn’t even acknowledge Schumer. Kash Kow appeared to smile, though with as much Botox as she has in her face it’s hard to tell, but … she and Kanye then moved further down the carpet for more photos while Amy picked herself up off the ground.

Man, do those two take themselves so seriously.

Remember when Sherri Shepherd married Lamar Sally and told the world about their spectacular Christian love? And remember when Sherri and Lamar used a surrogate to have the baby that would be a symbol of their spectacular Christian love? And then remember when they separated and Sherri said the baby wasn’t hears? Her story was that the child – only made so that Lamar The Gold-digger could get his hands on Sherri’s money … except she really has none because she was fired from The View before this whole mess started and girl ain’t got no real job — wasn’t hers because it was Lamar’s junk and a surrogate’s egg.

Anyway … now a Pennsylvania judge has ruled that Sherri is legally the mother of their surrogate baby, Lamar Sally Jr., and Lamar Sr. wants Sherri to go on TV and apologize to him.

Might have been a good idea, if they’d done the reveal of Sherri’s maternity on Maury. Lamar could have danced across the stage singing, ‘You’re the mother! You’re the mother!”

Christians. They’re funny.


Ron said...

Great way to start out a Saturday morning Bob. Love the snark!

Raybeard said...

I love the chuckle time I get when reading your posts of 'snark-athons'. Having an enormous guilty appetite for schadenfreude, you deliver it in such generous quantity as to keep me well-fed.

Helen Lashbrook said...

We are not allowed to see the Scientology low-down over here for fear of lawsuits. The church might sue the broadcaster for billions of dollars which would mean that Tiny Tim....sorry, I mean Tiny Tom, won't have to sell his home

anne marie in philly said...

I LOVE COUNT VON COUNT (cause I love to count...things)!

scientology is a cult and should be taxed; madge should crawl under a rock and die; gwynnie is a C alright (insert nasty female word for the C); and just throw the rest of the trash in the nearest dumpster.

the dogs' mother said...

:-) you are a good snarkster, Bob!

mistress maddie said...

There was no need Gwyneth to come back and explain why you failed the challenge. Go back home and keep your tail between yours legs where it belongs.

Mitchell is Moving said...

Oh, I have to admit, I love reading anything snarky about Madonna and/or Gwyneth Paltrow.