Saturday, April 18, 2015

It's Snarkurday!

Scott Eastwood — given name Scott Reeves, but who wants to hire Scott Reeves when he can use his sperm donor’s name … see Mama was a stewardess and Clint was a drive-by back in the 80’s — is a gossipy little hen apparently.

Scott was on Watch What Happens Live with Jon Cryer, who was asked about dating Demi Moore and whether or not that was awkward when he began working with Ashton Kutcher. Well, Scotty was all kinds of bored … because he’s an Eastwood dammit! … so he hijacked the question and told a story about the girl that Ashton cheated on Demi with in the hot tub a few years back and how she was banging Scott at the same time, too.

Wow, he wants the limelight so bad he’ll spill gossip about his own girlfriend being a Hot Tub Hooker just to seem relevant.

Little Jaden Smith — whose multimillionaire father Will once boasted only owned one pair of shoes because he doesn’t care about clothes — has suddenly taken to wearing a Little Black Skirt as he scoots about school looking like Whoopi Goldberg circa Jumping Jack Flash.


Orange-Croc-wearing chef Mario Batali recently became involved with the Food Stamp Challenge, where one tries to live in just $29 a week — the amount families living below the poverty line get in food stamps — and because he loves a good joke, he asked BFF Gwyneth Paltrow to get involved too, and she raced out to her nearest grocery store for her $29 food budget.

GOOP Tweeted the picture of her weekly food allowance and we saw a tomato, a garlic bulb, one onion, some leafy greens, dried black beans, brown rice, tortillas, and several limes — I guess Margaritas count, right?

All well and good, except that it appears GOOP didn’t follow the strict guidelines of the challenge, which is to buy the food and then live on it for a week, because she was spotted going out to lunch at Tavern in Brentwood the same week of the challenge.

It makes sense, though, because Gwyneth thinks peasants only have $29 a week for food, but have a couple of hundred dollars left over for a trendy lunch with pals.

Siddown GOOP.

Kylie Jenner, at age seventeen, is the new ambassador of the anti-aging skincare line Nip + Fab.

Seriously. Seventeen and already hawking wrinkle creams.

The producers of Celebrity Big Brother UK have obviously lost all sense of judgment — or else they want a trainwreck season — because they’ve asked Lindsay Lohan’s pimp-and-party-pal Dina Lohan to join the cast.

I guess they’ll change the name to Squirted Out A Celebrity … Big Brother UK?

I guess grabbing a model’s boob is perfectly legal and acceptable if you’re a bloated rich pig like Harvey Weinstein.

See, the Manhattan District Attorney’s office has decided not to file charges against Weinstein for fondling Ambra Battilana’s breasts without her permission, even though he admitted to being a groper.

Battilana told cops she met Harvey at Radio City Music Hall and exchanged e-mails to set up a time for a meeting so he could look at her, um, “portfolio and acting tapes,” but at the meeting she ALLEGES he grabbed her breasts, put his hand up her skirt and tried to kiss her.

Ambra fled, called the cops, took a Silkwood Scrubdown, heavy on the bleach, and filed a complaint at the police department. And during the interview, she agreed to call Harvey while they listened in, hearing Weinstein admit he got a “little frisky,” but said that he was only grabbing at her like a prepubescent teen because he needed to see if her breasts were real. He said that as a “producer” he needed to know these things.

And so now … no charges filed. I guess if you grope a model, make sure you’re a producer because that’s a license to violate a woman. 

Justin Bieber was at Coachella last weekend because, well, weed and music and half-dressed prepubescent girls who throw themselves at Little Boys with Big Wallets.

But it wasn’t all Blunts and Babes for The Biebs. It is ALLEGED that, as he was attempting to enter through the artist’s entrance during Drake’s performance security stopped him because the area was full. Bieber hissed and stomped his feet and showed his wristband — which granted him access — but the guards still wouldn’t let him in. A staffer then started to allow Bieber and his entourage into the private area, when a security member came up from behind and put The Biebs in a chokehold and escorted him out of the festival.

Bieber’s people, once their buzz was over, claim he left voluntarily, but that he’s also considering legal action; he’s suing because he was told to leave and he left?

Oh Justin, you need to learn what constitutes a lawsuit; you also need to learn what constitutes good behavior … and talent.


mistress maddie said...

Boy, did you pull out the stops for this big pile of budgie turds! A 17 year old hawking wrinkle cream??? That Woman obviously slept with the CEO.

the dogs' mother said...

I spend about $29 per aisle!

Mitchell is Moving said...

Does Goop actually have a following? She just gets worse every week. But I'm grateful for the anti-wrinkle advice.

Blobby said...

If Scott Eastwood keeps his mouth shut and shirt off, we're fine.

anne marie in philly said...

"big pile of budgie turds!" - @mistress maddie: bwhahahahahaha!

Biki Honko said...

I googled Jaden's clothing choices and ya know, I really like how he dresses. This last decade has been about blurring gender lines, naming girls with boy names, and fellas wearing bright colors that used to be reserved for women. I think he is on the cusp of a hot new fashion trend, but we shall see.

Scott needs to just stand around and look hot and handsome for the camera, and keep his brain in power down mode, cause then its apparent he is mad for exposure. And so are we, so take it off Scott!