Saturday, April 04, 2015

It's Snarkurday!

Color me surprised … I kid, I’m not the least bit surprised … but Jennifer Lopez and her decades younger boy-toy Casper Smart are back together following their “breakup” last year.

Except they never really broke up; Casper has been around JLo this whole time, but she played the “just friends” card because she had a movie, The Boy Next Door, to promote, and it would look better if she was a cougar on the prowl rather than a cougar with her plaything.

So, she pretended to be dating, er, hooking up, with her Boy Next Door co-star Ryan Guzman to help sell tickets, but that didn’t work; the movie bombed; Guzman and Lopez are never seen again; she’s back with Casper.

Must be nice to be the boy-toy of the superstar who keeps you in hiding while she pretends to date someone else so people will go see her movie and then when it tanks she starts showing up with you again.

That’s love, JLo style.

Little Tommy Cruise always makes a point of the fact that he does all his own stunts because he’s totally fit and heroic and so manly and so butch. But, I kinda wonder, with so many millions on the line — his big budget retreads cost big bucks and he makes big bucks doing them — why a movie studio would let their star risk his life in such a way?

Well, apparently they do it because if they don’t let Tommy hang from the side of a building he throws a pissy fit.

And it’s his BFF and Mission Impossible stunt coordinator Wade Eastman who spills the beans:

“He stomps his feet and fights for it and tells [the studio] that basically if they don’t [let him], he’s not going to do the movie. When he wants to do something cool, he’ll fight to the death in order to do it.”

Funny, though, when I think ‘fight to the death’ I don’t think of a diminutive movie star with a giant ego teetering on his lifts. I mean, if Cruise ever fell off his shoes that would really be dangerous.

It’s no secret that The View is on its last legs. I mean, the show started going downhill with the hiring of Sherri ‘The Earth Is Flat’ Shepard, and continued with the departure of Joy Behar and the addition of Jenny ‘Vaccine Denier’ McCarthy.

But the killer is that Jenny’s husband, Donnie Wahlberg says that View producers wanted her back on the show after Rosie flew the coop:

“She’s very gracious about ‘The View’ and I told her the day that she left, I said they’re going to ask you back within six months. She won’t say it, but they did. Not officially, but they did.”

“Not officially,” means that Jenny and Donnie are making this up out of whole cloth just to keep their names in the press. The View wouldn’t ask McCarthy back because she was a complete and utter moron, making faces at the camera, while there.

Yeah, they’d want that back. Child, please, they aren’t that desperate.

More View? Well, Barbara Walters is officially insane. I know, it seems like she’s been insane for a lotta years but now, well, we need a rubber room for Grandma.

Apparently Babs, seeing her baby, The View, crashing and burning nearly every week with hosts in, and hosts out, and hosts fighting, says she has the solution to the problem: Monica Lewinsky.

A network source — and it ain’t Lohan because she hasn’t got a job right now — says:

“Barbara believes that Monica could make ‘The View’ competitive and compelling, and while a lot of Washington’s elite may scratch the show off its must-visit press list, the younger demographic of online users would tune in daily to see what she had to say.”

The good news is that no matter how crazy Babs acts, and no matter what kinda crazy falls from her lips, she has no say in the matter; she sold rights to the show back to ABC a year before she retired, so this really means nothing.

Except that Crazy Baba Wawa actually thought having to listen to Monica Lewinsky play the Twenty-Year-Old-Victim-Card five days a week was a good idea.

Crawl back into the crypt, Babs, we’ll wake you when something really important happens on The View … which will be never.

Remember when Vanilla Ice, AKA Robert Van Winkle, was arrested for breaking into a Florida home and stealing anything that wasn’t nailed down so he could use them in a house he was remodeling?

And remember when he said the whole thing was a joke … a misunderstanding … and would all be cleared up because he’s innocent?

Yeah, not so much. This week Ice, or do we call him Vanilla, accepted a plea deal to perform community service and a fine for his crime.

Wow. I though “Ice Ice Baby” was the moist embarrassing thing he could ever do … but apparently there’s a sub-basement to his humiliation which includes being busted for stealing pool filters and bicycles.

I like when porn stars stick together …

Apparently Paris Hilton, during a recent interview with Yahoo! Style — which begs the question, why is anyone interested in interviewing Paris Hilton — was asked if she thought her career … career? … paved the way for Kim Kardastrophe and what she thought about the idea that the Kardastrophes wouldn’t be around were it not for Paris Hilton. And she said:

“We’ve known each other since we were little girls. We’ve always been friends. It’s nice to inspire people. So yeah, I’m really proud of her and what she’s done.”

Inspire people? To what? Lay flat on their back, point their heels toward Jesus and get screwed, literally, on film, and then become a household name?

How inspiring. Porn stars sticking together.


the dogs' mother said...

I wonder if HGTV will show that Vanilla Ice remodel?

mistress maddie said...

The View????? It reminds me of a sick patient....dying a slow death, that needs the cord pulled immediately!!!!!! Or even more entertaining would be to let past and present hosts be entered in the Hunger Game!

Jim said...

Great stuff as always Bob! Liking the new look for the blog too.

Ron said...

You're the best Bob. I love the Snark!

Helen Lashbrook said...

Did KKK ever descend to the height of stupidity by dragging a little dog around in a bag? If not then she does have the moral high ground around Paris

anne marie in philly said...

such smelly garbage this week!

Debbie said...


Biki Honko said...

Damn great snark this week! But my, what simply horrid people this line up is filled with. Monica, paid to be on tv? Whoa grandma, go back to bed!

Robb Delman said...

"...Lay flat on their back, point their heels toward Jesus..."
Thanx to YOU, Sis, there's coffee ALL over my desk.