PR All-St★rs 2, EP 1: Attitude Adjustment

All right, bitches--and I’m talking to you Ivy, Josh and Wendy--it's on. The All St★rs are back....although, really, wasn’t the first season of All-St★rs the only one with true All-St★rs? I mean, Laura Kathleen? Althea?

Honey. No.

But here they are, and all ready for a new season with a new host, Heidi Klone, er, Carolyn Murphy. I nearly plotzed when she tried to do The Heidi Byeeeee on the runway. I turned to Carlos and said, Oh no she di'i'n't and Carlos looked at me and said Who are you?

But I digress. Mentor Joanna Coles is back, and while she is no Tim Gunn--because there's just one Gunn--I like her. I think Brits can get away with being rude because of their accent; see interaction with Ivy. And the judges, the faaaabulously gay Isaac Mizrahi, who can really out-Kors Kors, is back, along with the divine Georgina Chapman--again, the accent. Snark never sounded so lovely.

The first challenge was a Team Challenge and I thought several designer heads would implode. But the task was to choose a word and design a cohesive collection around the word. Each designer would create one look and the winner is from the winning team and the loser is from the losing team. Throw in the fact there is no immunity EVER and this could get Ivy....my new word for ugly and mean.

Let's rip......first with the :::SPOILER ALERT:::: losers:

TEAM BOLD

JOSHUA

"We might not have gotten it right the first time."

He greets us with his giant bedazzled ego running rampant and all I could think, "No, we got it right. Your shiny head was sent packing and Anya won. Win. Win."

And Joshua--who excelled at turning team challenges from his season into bitchslaps and crying jags and ... I will not have it, Bert ... instantly instructed himself to play nice, and he kept to his word. But it's only EP 1 so you know Bitch Joshua is lurking....

Although he got a dig in at Peach's assertion that she mostly does tennis wear...

And stop. Tennis.Wear? Is this the 80s? Tennis wear. 

Back to Joshua. He keeps reminding us that he deserved to win the PR and that he's going to win this time, and all I keep thinking is that he said that all during his season and then he gave us booty shorts with tampon strings hanging out of the crotch.

But he does love Wendy, and I'm sensing some sort of Designer Under The Bus Tossing competition. He thinks they’re one-of-a-kind, and they are: gay men bitches with bad hair. Oooh, Team Wendua, er, Josdy?

He went all wide-legged pant and all-wide open top, but at least he hit the Bold mark.

"She looks super tough."
And she would have to be because you just know some guy is gonna try and grab a handful of boob at the club and she needs to fight him off.

PEACH

"I love Ivy."

Proof that Peach has never seen the PR.

Now, I love Peach--I loved her "good china" comment on her season--but man oh man does she need a confidence boost. Two minutes into the designing portion of our show, when Andrae questions if her design is bold enough, she crumbles. I mean, c’mon Peach. Andrae threatens you? Andrae will end up in a puddle of jumbled words and tears before this episode even ends.

Strap on some balls .... but not from Anthony Ryan, who's running one short.

She tells Joanna Coles that she does Tennis Wear, allowing her client to go from tennis to daytime, and, after paramedics revived Joanna and after she backhanded Peach, she muttered, "My mind boggles."

And her dress boggles, too. It was like a maid's uniform with long blue sleeves.

"I did what I could."

And what you could do is head right back to the penthouse and pack your bags because this ain’t no All-St★rs dress.

LAURA

"I totally got robbed."

And, while she didn't during her season, because she was one-note, pseudo glam Barbie, she was robbed during this episode because one minute she was there on the roof designing, and then we didn't see her again until the runway.

And her look was simple and boring, and I'm sorry, but there was no Bold.

"She looks elegant."

Elegant, maybe, in an I need something to wear to the BumFuckEgypt Players performance of Bye Bye Birdie and this will do nicely  kind of elegant.

Except then the judges, who apparently drink heavily during the show, said if her team had won, she would have been the winner.

Isaac? Really? Georgia? Say it isn't so? Not Heidi? Why are you here again?

EMILIO

"I've won the most challenges and I'm Tony nominated."

At Mood, Tony-nominated Emilio was miffed that his team could only decide on blue as a color and I was petrified that they could only decide on that blue.

Cobalt blue. Everyone knows Cobalt Blue is from the 80s, and everyone knows it doesn't look good on a catwalk. Everyone, that is, except these, ahem, All-St★rs.

His look is simple, too simple, because, um, maybe he forgot their word was Bold?

"I feel good."

Really? A weird bandeau top and a dress that looks like it was too tight to close makes you feel good?

Well, it was enough to keep you safe, but it ain't gonna win no Tony.

ANDRAE

"Hopefully I'll do everything right this time."

This means he won’t be a complete mess, and he’ll learn how to manage his time and he’ll be able to create a cogent thought on the runway and design a dress that makes sense.

I had high hopes.

Then I saw the dress, crisscross blue, and a tank top, under some kind of netting. I kept thinking bee keeper, but really bad bee keeper.

"It looks complete."

Complete mess.

SUEDE

"Suede is ready to rock the frickin' frock." 

That's how we are re-introduced to, now purple haired, Suede. Third person Suede. And I'm beginning to think he goes all third-person because even he can't stand Suede and so he separates from himself.

Kayne took one look at The Napkin and said, "Kayne thinks Suede is still in design school .... Freshman year."

On the catwalk I was praying that Kors would run in, whip out his Handy Dandy Book of Snarkisms and go off on the napkins.

"I.Love.My.Design."

Especially after dim sum.

TEAM CONFIDENT

KAYNE

"If you only know Kayne from Season 3, you've got a lot to learn."

See, he was the pageant queen, and created pageant dresses and was finally booted on his season for making pageant clothes, so he decides to switch things up and make a sequined gown, because nothing says this is not a pageant like sequins. I guess Mood was out of feathers.

And Joanna Coles rightly calls it: Catwoman meets Lady Gaga. Suede, not be outdone by Kayne's design school project comment, said it was 'curio cabinet.'

Suede doesn't make sense, even in the first person.

OMG! How the hell does this theatrical Nightmare On 7th Avenue fit in? How is this confident when it really read Glitter Dominatrix?

"I'm on Cloud Nine."

Which is where I wanted to be so I could stop seeing this thing.

ULI

"Being a runner-up felt like a slap in my face."

But a slap in the face on the beaches of Miami is a totally cool thing. Except now she says she doesn't do the flowy print halter thing so much, but she also creates clothes for NYC and Chicago. uh huh. We'll see.

And we did. She stayed away from floral prints in flowy fabrics and halter tops and neck pieces.

Oh, wait, No, it was a white flowy long dress with a halter top and a neck piece.

"I think you see the new Uli."

New Uli is like New Coke. Doesn't sit well in my stomach.

CASANOVA

"I wasn't expecting to be in a competition with my boss."

He works for Ivy .... let that sink in ... and he's competing against her? Guess who'll be on the unemployment line if he makes it further than she does?

Joanna Coles comes by and spots his leather dress with lace appliqués and warns him that sometimes leather-and-lace looks hooker-ish; and sometimes it's like a Stevie Nicks song. But, anyway, Casanova is known for either going slutty or going granny, and it's nice to see he's still hitting that ball outta the park.

But his final look didn't look slutty. it was actually kind of chic and sleek.

"Sleek. Flawless. Perfect."

I wonder what hookers Joanna Coles sees on her way home after a night of clubbing?

IVY

"I was the bitch on Season 8."

But then she seems to have calmed down and actually compliments the show on the use of the Brother sewing suites. I don't know if she's doing it to be nice, or if she's realized Brother sewing machines are extremely light and quite easy to throw at other designers.

And I'm thinking you'll do a repeat. And so does Joanna Coles, who, upon meeting Ivy, says. "I was terrified to meet you because you were such a bitch."
See? British accent makes calling Ivy a bitch seem utterly polite and rather mundane.

But then Ivy tells us she was a bitch because she'd poured all the money she had into her design work and was so poor she had to volunteer at a soup kitchen just to eat.

Really Ivy? You were a bitch because you were poor?

Don't.Go.There. poor folks aren't bitches; bitches are bitches.

I didn't get it. The lace at the waist and the lace on the sleeves, while kinda cool,  made the model's waist look big, and that can't be good.

"It's very true to my aesthetic ... minimal ... romantic .... ethereal ...."

Blah blah blah. Leather shorts? Romantic and ethereal? 

No soup for you!

ALTHEA

"I know who I am."

Funny, cuz I don't, and I even watched your season, I think. Wasn't it LA: The Missing Years?

Also missing was a great design because that mess over there is too tight, and too matronly lookin. All I got was wedding dress and funeral attire, like Grandma was burying Grandpa and then marrying the Mailman in the same afternoon.

"I'm 100% satisfied."

And you are?

ANTHONY RYAN

"I should have made it further."

Yes. ARA, you should have. And because I like you, I may keep the One Balled Designer references to a minimum, because, you know, you have just the one ball. oh god...I keep doing it!

His first assessment, while trying to find that one word to create a collection, was that Althea was a loudmouth and I kept thinking, "Who's Althea?"

But he's gonna keep to his aesthetic of designing clothes for real people--AKA not Victoria Beckham--and go for something sleek and modern, with an element of surprise. One surprise, though, was when Joanna  Coles heard him say he was going to add a leather bow-tie to his outfit, and hers was a cringe heard 'round the world.

And the bow-tie was off.

His look was cool and confident, and kind of daring, with the lace back. I liked it, though the Penis Ready Crotch on the pants made think of one-b ...... Stop it.

"She's cool, modern and edgy."

And she was, head to toe, and a quick skip over that crotch.

WENDY

"I've come back to right the great wrong."

This, I think, means she’ll invade the PR Clip Vault and find out for once and for all, who drew the mustache on the photo of her daughter and then she’ll go all Taliban on their ass.

And she starts with Althea, whom she dubs Miss Bossy pants. I hope Team Confident wins, because if they don't there's a bus running through Manhattan with Althea’s name on it.

Or under it.

She's a good designer; I liked her final collection on her season, but she seems intent on sabotage and back-stabbing and not on design, so I worry. I mean, they all know what she did on her season, throwing everyone else under the bus every time she was threatened, and so what do these designers do?

Get on her good side, by applauding her for coming back. Well-played designtestants, well-played.

Apparently Wendy thought this was the Rockette Challenge from the just-finished Season 10 because that's all I got. It's more bold, than confident, and all it really needs is a Gold Medal and a pair of ice skates.

"I love my dress."

And I loathe it. Note to self: Keep an eye out for runaway Smallville buses.

LOWS

SUEDE

Mondo cut it quick: "None of it works ... It's sloppy."  Isaac loved the skirt, and somewhere in Manhattan, Michael Kors is creating an Isaac Mizrahi voodoo doll out of napkins. Carolyn loved the top and hated the skirt, while Georgian called it two different dresses.

ANDRAE

Carolyn just didn't get it. What is it? A dress? A Tank? Mosquito netting? And Georgina told him that if he needed to explain what each part was--and there were a lot of parts--it is never good. 

PEACH

She started talking about fourth grade sewing teachers and Isaac went off: "You should stop talking. ... The more you talk the more I hate the look." Bad bad sleeves, he said. Georgina, when hearing peach does tennis wear--and displaying the utmost decorum by not marching to the runaway to bitchslap her--told Peach she needs to play to her strengths. Mondo ordered her to quite trying to be the Mom to group--like she had done in her season--and create her own looks. Rachel Roy, the winner of Line Of The Night said, "WE all need a basic black dress, but if you can't sew it, start throwing handkerchiefs at it like Suede!"

Sadly, that won’t be happening because Peach was Auf’d, or, Out.

HIGHS

CASANOVA 

Georgina loved the back, and the scalloped edges of the lace, while Isaac gave it the glowing "It looks expensive." he was, however, not fond of the length, and thought it could be longer to be more modern. Guest Judge, Rachel Roy said, "Ditto Isaac" or something, while Guest Judge, and previous All-St★rs winner, Mondo, loved the tome-on-tone but called it nothing exciting. Not Heidi--I promise to learn her name before the season ends--said it was wearable.

And that's a compliment?

IVY

I was wrong, I guess; or the judges are as terrified of Ivy as Joanna. Georgina loved the jacket and the placement of the lace, but wasn't keen on the leather shorts. Isaac no likee the shorts, and Carolyn--so that’s her name--didn't like the jacket. Funny, when she agreed with me I suddenly remembered her name! Rachel Roy loved the jacket because "jackets are hard" and Mondo loved the leather short.

it was  a split for the judges.

ANTHONY RYAN

Georgina loved the surprise of the lace back, while Not Heidi said it could be a daytime look with a jacket on, and then take it off for some of that nighttime sekshi. Isaac noted the Penis Crotch--big surprise--while Rachel Roy said the ass looked good.

We learned Isaac loves dick, while Rachel is an ass man.

And what did YOU think?