Oscar Fashions: From the Best to the WTF and Beyond

There’s a lot to dig into about last night’s show, especially about the bitch slap … let me rephrase that … about the bitch who slapped, but first let’s get into what the show is really about: Fashion!

Let’s dish …

BEST

Nicole Kidman. This kinda looks like a futuristic version of a dress Lucille Ball would have worn, and I am living for it.

Zendaya. Yes, it looks like the look Sharon Stone wore many, many years ago, but this is a modern take on the man’s shirt and she added a glitzy sequined skirt.

BEST GOOD VERSUS EVIL

Caitriona Balfe is channeling some Nicki Kidman with the constructed peplum, but this time in all white, while Cynthia Erivo is giving me Evil Queen who makes me wanna join her team.

VERY GOOD

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Lupita Nyong'o is all that glitters, like an Oscar, and she even has streamers on the dress. It’s like Oscar fireworks.

H.E.R. I love the short skirt under the longer top; it’s giving me mullet, in a good way. H.E.R. really brought some cool factor.

Penelope Cruz. I love the vest and bowtie look to the dress and the full skirt; and you gotta love pockets! 

Regina Hall. Oh, this is sexy and elegant and chic; I love the coffee with cream color, and the flowiness. Yes, ma'am, Miss Regina.

GOOD

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Olivia Colman. This is giving me 1920s bad girl flapper turned rich society dame.

Tiffany Haddish. I love the blond hair; seems so old school 1920s Cotton Club star. Love the pattern and the fit … not an inch to spare … and the wee train.

Wanda Sykes. I adore her, and I love that she took a classic men’s tuxedos but gave it some flair. Very cool.

Zoë Kravitz. I’m getting Breakfast at Tiffany’s Audrey Hepburn. I’m mean, talk about pretty in pink.

MEH

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Jessica Chastain. This breaks my heart because Chastain usually brings it, but this is screaming superhero ball gown to me and begs the question, ‘Who the fuck thought a ruffled hem was a good idea?’

Amy Schumer. Yeah, I know, Amy isn’t what you’d call fashionable but could she have gone somewhere besides the Marshall’s As-Is Rack for her dress?

Reba McIntyre. It’s 2022 so she checked her closet for a dress she wore to the Country Music Awards in 1987 and dusted it off and brought it to Hollywood.

Maya Rudolph continuing her decline into Mrs. Roper territory. I mean. C’mon, a caftan, and ostrich feather cuffs? Maya? Really?

Maggie Gyllenhaal. I cannot shake the thought that those gold things hanging from the dress were purchased from the hardware section at Lowes while Maggie was looking for new kitchen cabinet pulls.

Jamie Lee Curtis. I like the dress. It fits Jamie Lee’s age and style, but those damned long sleeves that look like mesh gloves.

ROYALTY

Judi Dench. That’s Dame Judi Dench to you, and I love the simple elegance of the look, though it is giving me a little Missus Obi Wan Kenobi.

Rita Moreno looks fierce and fun and fabulous, supporting the reboot of a film she made sixty years ago. We should all strive to look this good at ninety!

WOMEN IN RED

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Tracee Ellis Ross always brings it, and last night it looked like the gurl just wanted to have fun!

Kirsten Dunst. This one looked deceiving because at first it just read strapless red dress, and then it reads giant red rose. I like this one a lot, very feminine.

Marlee Matlin. Meh. It’s red and basic, but if you played up the shoulder pads it would have been a Joan Crawford moment.

Ariana DeBose wore a fricking pantsuit and ruled the red carpet. And out and proud woman of color doing exactly what she wants. Brava!

Jennifer Garner wears the same exact look at every awards show. I imagine that the divorce settlement with Ben let her keep the dress in every color.

Rosie Perez. It’s not a bad dress, really, though it seems tired, but it’s the mall hair that takes it all the way down to Forever 21.

WTF

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Jada Pinkett Smith. This is what a thirsty wife of a man who has yet to win an Oscar wears because she wants to be seen. She doesn’t want to be able to walk, or even sit down comfortably, but she wants to be seen.

Naomi Scott I keep trying to like it, but all I get is “Forgive me Father for I have sinned.”

Kristen Stewart. What is the absolute fuck was she thinking? I get it, she’s the rebel, the outsiders, but take down to any corner on Hollywood Blvd. and you’ll find twenty other girls dressed just like this.

Billie Eilish. This is a tiny girl swathed in an entire fabric store of ugly. WHY????

MEN IN COLOR

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Jay Ellis. I have a problem with a white tuxedo because the black shoes annoy me but white shoes would piss me off. So, ankles up this is one hot look on one hot man.

David Oyelowo. At first I thought it was one of those designs where you try to find the hidden word and believe me I searched every inch of the photo and didn’t find it. I may start over ...

Simu Liu. No pastel colors for this one; he took the Bette Davis route from Jezebel and wore red to the party and rocked it.

Nikolaj Coster-Waldau. Again with the white, but this time the pants don’t fit so well in the calf area. Perhaps a second go round at the tailors?

Sebastián Yatra. I thought pink? ‘Oh honey no.’ And I looked at it longer and I thought, ‘Oh honey yes.’

Kodi Smit-McPhee looks like a pretty blue boy, and gets major props for shaking things up, but I need a picture of him side-by-side with Sebastián Yatra, so I made one.

MEN 

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Andrew Garfield. Cute, nice suit, love the accent. But man oh man, could he mix it up every so often?

Bradley Cooper. Same boring tux, but this time he mixed it up by not coming his hair.

Josh Brolin. It’s rare to see him smile … even offscreen … so he’s given me hot villain vibes.

Kenneth Branagh. I can’t help but think he needs to show me to my seat.

Jason Momoa. I’d like to climb his front façade and then shimmy down that braid to the backside.

Shaun White. If you’re gonna wear a standard tuxedo, do like Shaun and get one that fits like a glove. Hot.

Timothée Chalamet. Yes, he had no shirt on, or maybe I ripped it off in the limo. Sue me.

Jamie Dornan. Take a look Bradley, this is how it’s done. Suit fits, hair is combed; it’s not rocket science.

THE WORST

Wesley Snipes. Look, I get it, he’s had money troubles a few years back, but he couldn’t afford a full suit?

Diane Warren … Okay, we know … she wears pants all the time. But could the color be uglier and could the fit be more awful?

And there you have it … who was your Best and Worst and who may you wonder,  What were they thinking?