I Ain't One To Gossip, But ...

Tis the season for holiday giving and our BFF here at I Should Be Laughing, my most favoritest gal pal, Gwyneth Paltrow has some dazzling gift ideas for you and yours!

Ready? Let’s go …

Howsabout a BDSM Restraining Arts Kit? The kit includes leather restraints and a “leather bound paddle” perfect for spanking your partner’s ass, and it can be yours for the special holiday price of $1,350.00. Ouch, indeed.

Now, if that ass spanking hurts your partner more than you intended, get he, or she, their very own supply of Bamboo Toilet Paper for $35 a package. Wipe your ass in style … green style!

But what happens if that ass paddling leaves your hindquarters on fire? Well, Gwynnie also offers a $250 hand-forged Copper Fire Extinguisher to ease the pain.

And when everyone feels better, help yourselves to a cup of coffee with GOOPs special coffee make that sells for just $495.

Don’t drink coffee, you say, well then get in line for $80 Smokey Quartz Crystal-Infused Water Bottle. Water takes so much better when you drink it from an eighty-dollar bottle, you know.

But be careful; sometimes life gets busy and you forget to drink water, so Paltrow is also offering a Hydration Reminder for just $30 that attaches to your $80 water bottle and blinks “when your sipping has slipped.”

Order now, operators are standing by. And God bless us everyone, and God bless Gwyneth Paltrow for knowing exactly what you need this Christmas.

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Nicolas Cage used to be big—the man won an Oscar, fer chrissakes—but lately, well, he’s known more for bad choices, on screen and off—like his three second marriage last summer.

Now, however, he may have his most daring role ever! You see, Nicholas Cage is hoping to star in a new film, The Unbearable Weight of Massive Talent, playing none other than … Nicholas Cage.

Oh, but he is; if the deals close, Nicholas Cage would star as actor Nicolas Cage, who is desperate to get a role in a new Quentin Tarantino movie while also dealing with a strained relationship with his teenage daughter and having long chats with a 1990s version of himself who berates him for making too many crappy movies and for not being a star anymore.

Fingers crossed that Cage nails that audition.

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It’s murder when your mama is disappointed in you, but when your mama is the frickin’ Queen of England—and, no, I don’t mean Elton—it’s got to be especially embarrassing.

In the wake of his “friendship” with Jeffrey Epstein, who ran an underage sex trafficking ring to supply underage girls to the 1%, Prince Andrew will no longer perform any of his royal duties because his mother, The Queen, pushed him out, with a last kick and shove from his older brother Prince Charles.

Andrew’s dismissal comes just days after an interview with the BBC about his buddy Epstein. Andrew thought he killed it, but the rest of the world WTF’d so loudly The Queen had no choice but to give him the boot.

Andrew will still be invited to stand on the palace balcony during major Royal Family events, and he will still be able to call himself Prince Andrew—though I believe the title Randy Prince Andy has been retired—and will still receive money from The Queen’s private funds. But he will no longer be entitled to his annual £249,000 Sovereign Grant, because that money goes towards official royal expenses and he has none.

All he has left is a mama who is so very disappointed. And embarrassed.

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Could it be? Say it isn’t so! Are Miley Cyrus and Cody Simpson finished?

You remember that Miley was married to Liam Hemsworth, and then they split. In a series of Tweets, she asked for time to heal but in a nanosecond after the Tweet hit the web, Miley had hooked up with Kaitlynn Carter and declared herself to be off dick.

And yet again, while those Tweets were still spanking new, Miley had tossed Kaitlynn aside for Cody Simpson, claiming he was just the kind of dick she needed … in a series of Tweets.

And here we are again. Miley and Cody are ALLEGEDLY over because these two media whores have suddenly stopped posting their every move on social media.

I hear she’s already moved on, though, to a giant bong and a case of Doritos.

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I may have to end this weekly feature because, as of this moment, I’ve heard every-f%king-thing …

This week I learned that about 25 years ago Julia Roberts, just breaking big as America’s sweetheart, was one Hollywood executive’s first choice to play …

… Wait for it …

… It’s epic …

… You won’t believe your ears …

… I’m still stunned …

slavery abolitionist, and black woman, Harriet Tubman.

Seriously. Screenwriter Gregory Allen Howard, who has been working on the film for 25 years, said that a “then-president” of some sublabel of a studio told him how good the script was, but suggested Roberts be the one to play Harriet. And … AND … when the lone person of color in the room told this buffoon that Harriet Tubman was a black woman, this man replied:

“That was so long ago. No one will know that.”

Yup. Put Julia Roberts in it and she’ll make everyone forget that the “Underground Railroad woman” was black.

Again … seriously.

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