A Golden Shower ...of Awards Snark

Here we are again, another awards show and an awards show whore to talk about it. So, yeah, let’s rip …

Hosted by Andy Samberg—whom I find an adorable nerdy looking man ... that jawline slays me—and Sandra Oh, who was oh so brilliant in Killing Eve and in that red gown, slaying me again.

One lucky audience member will host The Oscars!

Bradley Cooper, Lady Gaga, and Gaga’s dress, present BEST ACTOR TV SERIES MUSICAL OR COMEDY … Michael Douglas for The Kominsky Method, something I have never even heard about, And odd, that the first award out of the gate, after Sandra Oh talked about diversity in the room, went to an old white guy.

The cast of the Black Panther…Chadwick and Michael b., along with Lupita Nyong’o and Danai Gurira, present Black Panther and BEST ANIMATED FEATURE award to Spiderman: Into the Spiderverse.

We’re hosting because we’re the only two people in Hollywood who haven’t gotten into trouble for saying something offensive.

My favourites, Emma stone, Olivia Colman, and Rachel Weisz introduce my favourite The Favourite followed by the cats of the Big Bang Theory who present BEST ACTOR IN A TV SERIES DRAMA to Hot Scot Richard Madden, who is adorable all over the place. They stick around, and I note that Johnny Galecki looks old and tired so maybe it’s good the show is ending, to present BEST TV SERIES DRAMA to The Americans, another show I’ve never seen and one that is also ending. So, there’s that.

You know what race of people really gets under my skin? The Hollywood Half Marathon. I hate that race … of people.

Hot men Adam Driver and John David Washington, present BlacKkKlansman. Taraji P. Henson and Gina Rodriguez, the Cleavage Sisters present BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR TV SERIES DRAMA to Ben Whishaw for A Very English Scandal. Ben wasn’t nearly as adorable as I remember him and so I hurried along through his speech.

Ben Stiller and Jamie Lee Curtis are up, and congratulate each other on their successes … a Halloween reboot/sequel and Escape at Dannemora but the best part was Curtis asking Stiller what a director does, and when he says he tells actors what to do, she laughs and laughs ... and then they present BEST ACTRESS LIMITED SERIES OR TV MOVIE to Escape from Dannemora’s Patricia Arquette, who was brilliant in that movie. But she began to thank all her hair and makeup people, and the people who did her teeth for the role, though she added:

Why I needed someone to give me bad teeth I don’t know. I’ve had f**ked up teeth my whole life.

Oh and Samberg return to do that Let’s serve food the audience which has been done to death at wards shows so they gave flu shots instead. And yes, it was as funny as it sounds.

Our nest presenter is a Joker who Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest but is As Good As It Gets.

No, not Nicholson, but Steve Carrell—and that was a funny intro—who gives the Carol Burnett Award for outstanding achievement in television to … Carol Burnett. And fittingly, too. Carol is a legend, dammit.

Idris Elba … be still my, um, heart, is out with Taylor Swift, be still my mute button, to present BEST ORIGINAL SCORE to Justin Hurwitz for First Man and then present BEST ORIGINAL SONG to Mark Ronson, Anthony Rossomando, Andrew Wyatt and Lady Gaga, and her dress, for “Shallow” from A Star is Born.

Then we go back to Idris, thankfully sans Swifty, who introduces his daughter Isan as the HFPA Ambassador for the show, Proud, hot Daddy.

Samberg and Oh return:

Here are a couple of meaningful moments that inspired us.

Followed by a clip of Samberg getting a Globe and then Oh getting a Globe. The End.

What? We said they inspired us!

Octavia Spencer, dangerously close to becoming  a one-note wonder in the fashion sense because she nearly always brings the cocktail dress out for these shows, present Green Book.

Luckily Sam Rockwell and Allison Janney know how to the witty repartee as they present an award:

We have a lot of things in common … we have both played characters who worked in the White House … we both got our starts in soft porn … we’re both not wearing underwear … and we both lost our virginities in the backseat of an 82 Buick.

And they present BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS IN A MOTION PICTURE to Regina King, for If Beale Street Could Talk. For the record, Regina King should win every award for which she’s nominated. Just sayin’. During her speech she challenged women in Hollywood who produce entertainment to make sure at least 50% of their hires are women.

Out come Megan Mullally and Kristen Bell, two truly funny women, and there is no banter, no jokes, no fun. Why, Globes, why? They simply present BEST ACTRESS IN A TV SERIES DRAMA to Sandra Oh for Killing Eve, making her the first Asian to win in that category; and rightly so, I say.

Maya Rudolph and Amy Poehler are up next and talked about how the only reason there are supporting actors is films is to give “beautiful people someone to talk to” and then they present BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR IN A MOTION PICTURE to Mahershala Ali for Green Book. Rudolph and Poehler then lose the funny in a long rambling go-nowhere joke about Maya asking Amy to marry her; it hurts when funny people aren’t. And then they give the BEST SCREENPLAY FOR A MOTION PICTURE to Peter Farrelly, Nick Vallelonga and Brian Currie for Green Book … which is clearly on a role!

Michael B. Jordan …more like Michael B. Buff AF. You are a snack Michael.

William H. Macy and his wife Felicity Huffman are the next presenters and do a gag they’ve done before where they stand onstage and simply say:

Witty banter. Witty banter. Witty banter.

Yup, still not funny; they give the BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS IN A TV MOVIE to Patricia Clarkson for Sharp Objects. She was, as always, amazing in the role but it was her speech, when she said:

I thank my director, Jean Marc Vallee, for demanding everything from me except sex. Which is exactly how it should be.

Saoirse Ronan, slinky and sexy and Irish, presents BEST ACTOR IN A MOTION PICTURE MUSICAL OR COMEDY to Christian Bale for his role as Dick Cheney in Vice. Bale goes on to thank Satan for the inspiration in playing Cheney.

Out come the old standbys, Catherine Zeta Jones and Antonio Banderas to give out the award for BEST FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM  to Roma, with Alfonso Cuarón accepting. CZJ laughably rolled her R’s in announcing the winner because, you know, attention-seeking has-been.

Next out, and not really out, is Tyler Perry playing like a straight actor while presenting a clip from Vice. Now, I’m not saying he’s a deeply closeted gay man, I’m just saying he’s a deeply closeted gay man.

Amy Adams. Nominated for two awards tonight. Hey Amy? Save some for the rest of us.

Taron Egerton, little hottie, and Amber Heard, little hot mess, present BEST ACTOR IN A LIMITED SERIES OR TV MOVIE to Darren Criss for The Assassination of Gianni Versace. I like Criss; he was so good in that film and seems like a totally adorable nice guy. That’s all.

Jeff Bridges. Mr. Cecil B. DeMille Award. Hey Jeff? Be my Dad.

Chris Pine. Jesus H. Christ he’s hot. Even Carlos sat up to take note, though when he asked who Pine was, I nearly shoved him off his chair because Pine is, yes, you know where I’m going, My-Husband-In-My-Head. Anyway, Pines gave the award to Jeff Bridges, who gave a rambling speech, though it ended on a high note when he talked about telling a director that he wanted out of a film right before they started shooting, and the director said:

You know that game ‘Tag’? Well, I tagged you, you’re it.

Bridges challenged all of us to be tagged, and to know that we are all in this together and only all together can we get out of it.

Crazy Rich Asians. First studio film with an Asian-American lead since Aloha… Emma Stone yells from the back … I’m sorry!

Harrison Ford follows Bridges … and Pine … to give the BEST DIRECTOR IN A MOTION PICTURE to Alfonso Cuarón for Roma.

Sam Elliott, so hot now, and so hot then, present clips from A Star is Born. I have fond, very fond, memories, of a Sam Elliott nude scene from The Legacy. Man, what an ass.

Oh and Samberg introduce the cast of This Is Us with:

Get out the tissues because you’re going to ant to masturbate to this.

And yet I was still on Sam Elliott and that ass. Nore to self: look for The Legacy OnDemand.

And, well, yeah. Justin Hartley, Chrissy Metz, and Sterling K. Brown present BEST ACTRESS IN A TV SERIES MUSICAL OR COMEDY to Rachel Brosnahan for The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel and then present BEST TV SERIES MUSICAL OR COMEDY to The Kominsky Method, which I still no nothing about. Full circle.

Finally, Emily Blunt and Dick Van Dyke introduce Mary Poppins Returns, followed by Halle Berry and Lena Waithe who present the award for BEST LIMITED SERIES OR MOTION PICTURE to The Assassination of Gianni Versace. The team accepts the award and reminds us that while it’s been over twenty years since the murder, times haven’t changed, and we all need to keep resisting. Amen.

Vice. An intense drama up for best film musical or comedy because it erroneously invaded the wrong category based on false intel.

Anne Hathaway, god is she back already, and Jessica Chastain, not nominated for anything for a change, present BEST ACTRESS IN A MUSICAL OR COMEDY to Olivia Colman for The Favourite. She is sweet and funny and giddy and calls stone and Weisz her ‘bitches,’ which I loved.

Janelle Monae is out to present If Beale Street Could Talk and then Mike Myers comes out to present Bohemian Rhapsody before Bill Murray, drink in hand, a Golden Goblet no less, to present BEST MOTION PICTURE MUSICAL OR COMEDY to Green Book. Peter Farrelly gave a long rambling boring speech until the music cut him off and then he talked eloquently about racism and race and doing the right thing for America. Note to Farrelly: lead with the good bits.

Gary Oldman gives BEST ACTRESS IN A MOTION PICTURE DRAMA not to Lady Gaga, but to Glenn Close, for The Wife. Close is stunned at the win, but gives a beautiful speech about being a woman saying all women should be allowed to say:

I can do that. I should be allowed to do that!

Julianne More and Richard Gere …odd coupling … give out the BEST ACTOR IN A MOTION PICTURE DRAMA to Rami Malek; Gere shouted his name from the stage, seemingly overcome with joy that Malek had won. But I like Malek; he’s a hot little firecracker, literally and figuratively, you know.

Lastly, as the show crossed the three-hour mark, Nicole Kidman present BEST MOTION PICTURE DRAMA to Bohemian Rhapsody.

And there you have it; some good bits, some fun bits; some flat jokes; some bad clothes; some shocks and surprises and some What the—

But that’s the Globes … on to the Oscars!

Jim Carrey? You’re sitting with the movie people, but you’re nominated for TV. Move to the TV section.