Saturday, October 31, 2015

It's Snarkurday!

So Donnie Wahlberg may divorce Jenny McCarthy because she’s immature? Um … duh?
It seems Donnie wanted Jenny to be a “traditional” of wife and, at first, she seemed cool with the idea, saying she was tired of being “strong” and “independent”—uh huh, as is strong and independent while Jim Carrey was paying the hills—but now trouble’s a’brewing … and a source — highly doubtful that’s it’s Lohan … this time — says:
 “Their marriage is doomed.  It’s just a matter of time before they split. Donnie expects Jenny to behave like a wife, cooking and taking care of the family instead of relying on outside help. But she resists his alpha male act.”
The source goes on to say that the quirks that initially attracted Donnie to Jenny are now just annoying to him and to make matters worse they have conflicting ideas about how to parent their blended family (he has two sons, she has one), and some say Jenny wants to be that boss. At this point, their reality show — and who knew they had a reality show? — may be the only thing holding them together.

Again, I go back to Donnie expecting Jenny could be an adult and I say, ‘Duh.’

In Icky Couple News … Rupert Murdoch is dating Jerry Hall.

Yup, 84-year-old Murdoch who fired his last wife two years ago, decided not to find a twenty-something to bang, but instead chose 59-year-old Jerry Hall.

Rupert and Hall … RupHall?

There have been longtime rumors that Jay Z once bumped uglies with Rihanna and that’s why Solange came for him in that elevator brawl after the Met Ball a couple of years back.

But now, according to Jay Z and RiRi’s former publicist, Jonathan Hay — yes, they shared a publicist and only a publicist … get your minds outta the gutter — says that rumor is about as real as Beyoncé’s hair and singing voice. And bendable pregnancy bump

Hay says he was forced to, ahem, “tell the truth” after being outed as a lair by J. Randy Taraborrelli, author of Becoming Beyoncé, who claims Hay used that story to drum up publicity before the release of RiRi’s first single, “Pon de Replay.” And Hay says he’s already apologized to Beyoncé and given her his first born … a girl called Blue Ivy … or something.

Still, I believe Hay’s story as much as I believe that the pictures on Beyoncé’s Instagram haven’t been photoshopped to within an inch of their lives.

If it ever comes up in your life that you become Tom Cruise’s roommate, just say ‘No.’ That bitch is a bitch about the fridge.

While filming his new movie Mena — in which he plays a drug-running pilot — Tommy shared a home with Doug Liman, the film’s director, and Gary Spinelli, the writer of the piece, with each man taking his own floor of the home and then sharing the kitchen and living room.

But Tommy, who supposedly plays a 500-pound man in the film, isn’t keen on that whole sharing business, and refused to let the other men eat any of his food in the refrigerator. Not the Kale chips, not the tofu, not the souls of small children, and especially not the Tupperware containing Nicole Kidman’s fingernail clippings.

Bitch is a bitch about his food, and there is no sharesies. And do not get him going about not doing your dishes because then there would have been a three hour Xenu lecture with an exam and auditing to follow.

So Halle Berry has failed at marriage … again. Three marriages, three divorces, and one 'un'-marriage with baby Daddy Gabriel Aubry.

Methinks Halle needs The Single Life … Permanently.

But Halle tried to be sly when filing for divorce because she actually used fake names on the papers so the media wouldn’t find out right away. She called herself “Hal Maria” and named soon-to-be-in-a-custody-battle-with-her Olivier Martinez “Oliver Martin.”

And Olivier doesn’t think this was at all kosher, you know, fake names and all, so he instantly filed his own papers using their real names, Olivier Martinez and Halle-Can’t-Stay-Married Berry.

Oh and he also filed himself because he wasn’t legally served — as in a process server gives you the papers — because Halle handed, I giggle, because she probably hurled, them to him.

So, prepare for yet another Halle Berry Messy Break-up with rumors of bad tempers and mean people and poor Halle. But I look at it like this: if you’re the person who’s been married thrice, and been in more than a couple of handfuls of relationships that mostly ended badly, should you be throwing shade?

Last Summer former child star and adult reality show whore, Kim Richards was caught stealing from a Target store in Van Nuys. This came on the heels of a boozy weekend in Mexico, which came on the heels of being dragged out by her Manolo's from the Beverly Hills Hotel for being a belligerent drunk. In between came the news that she was “let go” from RHoBH.

Well, Richards has been sentenced and, as happens in LA when even the most pseudo-of-celebrities get busted, the judge threw the book at her. Well, he threw a pamphlet. He gave her 300 hours of community service, 3 years probation and ordered her to attend 52 AA meetings.

That’s what child stars get for stealing from Target, but even more oddly, this is almost the exact same sentence she got for being a drunken, cop kicking mess at the Beverly Hills Hotel: 30 days of community service, 3 years probation and 52 AA meetings.

Even better, the judge didn’t add her latest sentence to her last sentence, as in 300 hours + 30 days of community service and 104 AA meetings; no, she just has to complete 52 AA meetings and 300 hours of community service.

Unless of course she gets busted again before I finish this sentence in which case she'll probably be sentenced to a spa somewhere.

The upside is that both the Beverly Hills Hotel and that Target in Van Nuys have banned her ass from ever appearing there again.

Okay, I am not a Britney fan and if I ever wanted to see Britney Spears in concert, I’d cut her picture out of an old Star magazine, tape it to a popsicle stick and bounce it in front of my face while playing one of her songs.

I mean, it’d be more lifelike, right? And sing better?

And apparently that’s what more and more people think because no one is rushing to buy tickets to see her You Wanna Piece of Me show in Vegas; Spears has been struggling to sell tickets ever since she debuted and there are tons of open seats most nights.

And Spears blames one Celine Dion, whom, if I ever wanted to see her perform live, I’d have myself committed first because my heart would not go on.

I’m hoping that either Planet Hollywood — the home of the Spears’ “show” — and Caesars Palace — where Celine rules — get together and pit the women in  cage match.

I‘d see that.


Blobby said...

Ok, I really don't care and I really shouldn't even bother commenting but - Jenny McCarthy and the Other Wahlberg? A. They were a couple for a while, I believe, so he had to know what she was about (and vice versa). B. You said 'reality show'. ding ding ding.

Forced / Faked Drama for some weird kind of PR, since apparently no one knew they had a show.

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Michael Dodd said...

Sometimes when I read your Snarkurday posts, I wonder if you should rename the blog for that day "I Should Be Weeping."
Since I pay almost no attention, however, to the "celebrity news" that floods the airwaves, magazine covers and internet, I get most of that sort of info from you. So, thanks, I guess?

Helen Lashbrook said...

Rupert Murdoch is a vile human being and the thought of being within ten miles of him makes my flesh creep. Why any woman would want any part of Rupe is beyond my ability to imagine. I'd rather talk to Tiny Tim Cruise.....over the phone long distance.

mistress maddie said...

"I’m hoping that either Planet Hollywood — the home of the Spears’ “show” — and Caesars Palace — where Celine rules — get together and pit the women in cage match." NOW THAT Bob, I would pay tickets to see. To me, all they both do is caterwaul like cats in heat anyway.

the dogs' mother said...

let's hear it for 59 yr old bombshells!!!
(guess how old i am ;-)

viktor kerney said...

poor Halle

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