Monday, March 23, 2015

Just Because You're A Dad Doesn't Mean You're A Father

Granted, I am not now, nor have I ever been a parent; gay since birth, I’ve never once dipped into the Lady Pond, though one time, a tad drunk, okay a lot drunk, I made out with my friend Maria in a deli, but that’s another story for another day.

I’m talking parents today; mine were pretty good. Not the best, but then whose parents are? They do what they can with what they know and what they’re given. But, as a young queerling coming out, I couldn’t have had better parents.

I say, “I’m gay.” They say, “We love you.” And when Carlos and I got married, and the judge asked if we’d like to be referred to as “husband and husband” or “spouse and spouse” we said, “We’re husbands,” and my Dad loved that; he loves that we were able to say it so freely and so easily.

Sadly, not all parents, or fathers, are like mine.

A young man named Tyler recently came out and the response from his parent, his father, is one of the vilest things I’ve ever read:
"You embarrass me from all the people I knew. I'm going to puke. Whatever you do it reflects on me. People will ridicule me, insult me, and I might turn out to be a criminal. I have enough of all this b******t."
First off, Dad, and I hesitate to call you that because you are so not a father, this isn’t about you, and what your friends think of you. It’s about your son coming to terms with his sexual orientation, a hard enough decision, but one which you make that much worse by your reaction.
"You are trying to ruin me. This is worse than death."
Wow. To say that you’d actually rather be dead than have a gay son … I can’t with that. I can’t fathom a father saying that. I can understand a father saying, Let me process this. I wasn’t expecting this. This is new to me. But death?
"You f**k!!! We took care of you since you were a baby. We loved you, took care of you when you’re sick. Lost many days and nights in all your fifteen years. Now this is what we get in return, shame and embarrassment."
And there we have the loving language of a father to his son. But the most disgusting thing of all? This father didn’t even say those things to his son; he posted them on his son’s Facebook page for all to see.

Tyler, who moved into his aunt’s home after coming out, and suffering his father’s wrath, has not spoken to his father since their conservation, but he says his mother and sisters are accepting.

I’d say this to Tyler: that man is not a father. That is not parental love, or unconditional love. That is selfishness; that is ego. He’s more concerned about what people might think of ‘him’ than he is of how hard it was for you to come out, how hard it was for you to make that decision.

And know that there are others out there who are accepting and understanding and loving and welcoming. I know it might be hard to walk away from your father and I hope that one day he might change, that he might understand that your being gay has nothing to do with him, but until then, know that there is a family out there that loves you, accepts you, welcomes you.

Unconditionally.

10 comments:

the dogs' mother said...

That's just heartbreaking.

Jeffrey Rich said...

I was appalled when I read this on-line a few days ago, and I tried to imagine what that would have been like had it been me in that scenario. I can't. At that time of my life to have lost the love of my father would have killed me, or I would have killed myself.

How can a parent turn on his child? The little boy that he held and knew from infancy?

Mitchell is Moving said...

I agree. That man has no right to call himself father. He's a sperm donor and can just step aside now. I'm glad Tyler is lucky enough to have other family members worthy of his love.

John Gray said...

I was 52 when i got married
I mentioned to the guests after the service in my speech that i wished my father could have been there
My father died in 1989
A generation away....i knew my father did not understand homosexuality ...but i think, he would have eventually come around to the fact I eventually would have been happy with my husband...

Shame on tyler's dad...shame shameshame

Raybeard said...

I see. So HE'S the one who's going to puke? Well, he certainly put his cards on the table there - someone who loves the feel of what he considers as HIS being 'socially acceptable' more than his own child.
Pathetic fool.

Helen Lashbrook said...

To me the word father denotes the donator of sperm to the zygote that eventually becomes a child. A Dad is the person who loves that child whether or not they are the biological father. This man is NOT a Dad!

♫Musique♫ said...

That man is not a father, more like an asshole who failed at parenting. I wish Tyler the best. There are plenty of people who care and cherish you. The father is a lump of coal and very selfish indeed. It would be wild if the father is lowkey gay himself.

Bob Slatten said...

@John Gray
One of my great joys was that my dad was there when Carlos and i got married, and I think, somewhere, on your wedding day, your Dad was smiling.
Happiness does that to people.

Adrian Balansay said...

So sad. I'm embarrassed of being of the human race after reading crap like that. My mom was less accepting of it than my father was. And I only think that because of who she is with. Although, I love my step father and they have learned to accept me, it was hard in the beginning. I really wish him lots of love and comfort through this rough teenage years.

Biki Honko said...

Being a parent is about love. Why else would you get up at 2am, and again at 5am to deal with a hungry infant? Or cleaning up after a child with the tummy flu, barfing everything s/he has ever eaten all over the bed/floor/you?

Its love, and this worthless man never truly loved his child, because being a parent isn't about you, its about them.

One fine day will find him in a retirement home, wondering why no one ever visits him.