Saturday, July 14, 2012

I Ain't One To Gossip, But ....

I think I’ll just do some drive-bys this week, like I’m a whiny, self-indulgent prepubescent little pissant pop star running from cameras.

And speaking of Justin Bieber…..
He says he was being trailed by paparazzi the other day while tooling around LA in his $100,000 chrome-plated electric car, called a Fisker. Now, I don’t begrudge Little Miss Bieber a $100,000 car, and I give him props for getting an electric vehicle. But when you’re Justin Bieber, who, for some reason I simply cannot fathom, is a worldwide pop star, who doesn’t like attention, why would you drive a chrome-plated car? I mean, why not drive around in a tractor-trailer with a sign on the side that says I’m Justin Bieber?
See, then you wouldn’t have the paparazzi following you and you wouldn’t feel the need to drive 100 mph down the freeway putting your life, and the lives of others at risk. Oh, and you wouldn’t get stopped by the CHP and issued a ticket for going nearly double the speed limit.
Slow down Little Lady.

Demi Moore has had a rough time lately. And that’s hard on a Senior Citizen.
First, her Husband-Child, Ashton Kutcher, was caught diddling a blond in a hot tub on the Moore-Kutcher anniversary, and then came that whole drug-and-seizure-and-hospitalization  episode—fed by her need for Adderall, Red Bull and Whip-Its—followed by a trip to rehab. Not to mention a movie she made, LOL, which crashed and burned at the box office.
And then there are her children: Rumer, who doesn’t seem to have a career, unless a career is showing up at nightclub openings and then, well, where do I apply. Scout is the daughter who was arrested for public intoxication and showing a police officer a fake ID.
Then we have recent high school grad, Tallulah, who has photos of her on the internet, topless and smoking a joint.
Now comes word that Demi’s Daughters have cut all ties with their mother because it’s just too hard.
Too hard? Too hard to keep your clothes on and not smoke a joint when cameras are trained on you? Too hard not to get drunk in public? Too hard not to get a job?
 Just sayin’.
Apples don’t fall far from trees.

Finally, some Original Recipe™ news.
Lohan might have gotten a new gig. Maybe. Perhaps. You know, because her career is on a roll, after she finished work on the sure-to-be craptastic, Liz & Dick for Lifetime, and then signed to co-star with porn star, James Deen, in some soft-core nonsense.
Now comes word that she might film a cameo in the latest installment of the Scary Movie franchise….as Crackhead # 1, I’m guessing.
Talk about a ‘scary’ movie.
Sources—and you know it’s Dina, because the box of chardonnay was empty and she had time to talk—says Lindsay met with Bob Weinstein about possibly joining the cast of “Scary Movie 5,” opposite “High School Musical” star Ashley Tisdale.
Whoa, Lohan and Tisdale? This is gonna be so A-list!

More on Lohan and The Porn Star.
James Deen, her porn star co-star had high praise for Lohan. Let’s listen in: “I can definitely, honestly say Lindsay Lohan and I are not having sex!...
Okay, let’s stop. How much of a skank must one be if a porn star brags about not having sex with you? I digress….
“I think I would tell everybody. I don’t know anything about her except for that she’s a really nice, down-to-earth, normal girl. We went to a business dinner and she was very professional. She drank coffee and water.”
She’s a professional because she drank coffee?
Is this James Deen guy like eight, or something? And judging from the picture you know he doesn't get paid for his face.
Just sayin’.

Jessica Biel is one of the biggest stars in Hollywood. Well, actually, she’s engaged to one of the biggest stars in Hollywood, so she’s a star by, um, insertion, I guess.
And she has a big summer planned. A supporting role in Total Recall....maybe maybe she’s not such a big star....and a marriage to Justin Timberlake.
But, here’s where it gets a little, um, gay.
See, Biel fancies herself one of the most stylish women in Hollywood, but that may be thanks to Timberlake. He picks out her clothes, does her hair and makeup, and even designed her engagement ring: “I had no say whatsoever [in the ring]. I don’t micromanage…”
Let’s stop: micromanage is Hollywood-speak for, I don’t ask him why he has that other apartment where he spends four nights a week.
Then she goes on: “He is fearless in his choices and has a real eye for design. And I’ll be honest: He has better taste than I do. When I walk out of the closet….”
Let’s stop again: so that’s the attraction. Closets.
Then she goes on: “…. after getting dressed in the morning, I’ll go like this [turns palms upward as if to say, 'Well?'] And he goes like this [shakes his head no]. Then he picks again. It’s hilarious.”
Hilarious. As in funny. As in happy. As in gay.
Just sayin’.

Howsabout another Mother-Daughter spat?
Madonna and Lourdes.
Seems Lourdes, AKA Lola, wants Mama Madge to stop bashing Lady Gaga during her current tour. Madonna even “covers” part of “Born This Way” in her tour, during a medley which also pointedly features “Express Yourself”.
Lola wants it to stop because, well, she has ALLEGEDLY told her mother: ‘It makes you look like a jealous old fool!’
No one calls Madonna OLD!!!!!!!!
But then maybe she is old, because she has turned a deaf ear to Lola—Get it? Deaf? Ear? I’ll stop—because jealous of Gaga’s success since her own latest album didn’t do so well.
And it doesn’t help that many people say Lola bears a striking resemblance to Lady Gaga.
Gaga stole more than music licks?
She’s Lola’s real mother???

If you think Katie Holmes didn’t have every right to run, RUN, from her marriage to Tint Tom Cruise, think again.
See, it seems he was very controlling over everything she did, and everywhere she went, and that included little Suri too.
And now the story is that Tom, while maintaining he’s “devastated” over the divorce and how he’s “miserable” without his daughter, is actually mad that he’s being made to look like a Crazy Little Man in the media.
Watching Katie and Suri parade around New York doing unspeakable things like eating ice cream and shopping, has convinced Tommy Grrl that she’s trying to turn the world against him—and his beloved Scientology. And while he likes to come off as the nice guy, quickly settling the divorce, the story is that Tommy’s settlement with Katie allows him to engage in much longer battle for Suri, one away from the public eye.
It seems Tommy will be digging in now for a much longer fight over custody of Suri—like he did with his son and daughter Connor and Isabella—and wind up with even more influence over them.
I mean, he can’t control his wives, so why not control the children?
Sidenote: when asked if he had any advice for Tommy, Howard Stern said: “Stop getting married!”
Love it!


mrs.missalaineus said...

the justin beiber car became a trivia question this week, and of course, we got it right. i feel reading your blog is part of my due diligence as a trivia player, because if we need to know it, you've talked about it or you talk about it right after we answer a question about it!


Bob said...

I'm just here for public service!!

the dogs mother said...

They should have taken his license away - Justin's. What an idiot!

mistress maddie said...

I swear Lola will end up fighting with her mother yet! They should really have Madonna on meds I'm thinking. But she'll be tickled Im sure, when Roco reveals he likes to suck dick!

Anonymous said...

I used to watch old Tom Cruise movies but now all I can think of is his cray cray personality. Whether it's Days Of Thunder or Top Gun, I can still imagine him jumping up and down in the cockpit screaming at Oprah.

Ron said...

Bob, you are delicious! I've said it before and I'll say it again, I am baffled that one of these national rags like the National Enquirer or the Globe doesn't pick you up and pay you big bucks for your on the mark take of current celeb drama. SO GOOD BOB! Love the "Miss Beiber" reference!
By the way, have you read Andy Cohen's book "Most Talkative" "Stories from the front line soy pop culture"?
If not, send me your address so I can send it to you. I feel I owe you for your fabulous posts!

Debbie said...

I'm with Ron. You need to write for one of the rags or get a gig on E! You're take on things is always, ALWAYS hilarious and makes me laugh out loud and EVERYONE NEEDS TO LAUGH OUT LOUD THESE DAYS.

Love you!

Debbie said...

OOPS! "Your" take on this ... not "you're" take on this. Wouldn't want you to think I didn't know the difference!

Tivo Mom said...

How can I not love Cole Trickle and Mavarick? So sad that he is so screwed up.

Joy said...

Justin Timberlake sounds like a control freak. Are we sure he isn't a Scientologist?