Wednesday, July 11, 2012

DS7EP7: Can Do Condo! Can't Do Condo!


So, here we are, the Final Four before the Final Three!
Woo...followed quickly by...Hoo!
I kid. See, last week was the Final Six before the Final Four! It's always painted to be such a huge deal, but, um, isn't that the point of the show, to whittle away the crap from the less crappy? So all the gleefulness at being the Top Four is really just the gleefulness of being Top Six, only with fewer people.
This week the designtestants are given a solo project, or a place to shine, or a place to just bomb, when they are tasked with designing a living space in a newly-built, gorgeous condo in Marina del Rey. I could live in Marina del Rey if it wasn't in South California, with the smog, and the crowds and the traffic and Justin Bieber driving 100 miles an hour on the 101 in a chrome car. I digress. Again. The designers were also given a color, a bright color, to use as an inspiration in the room; it didn't have to be the wall color, and it didn't have to be the only color, but the judges would have to recognize it as The Color Inspiration when they toured the rooms. They would also present their Camera Challenge about using color in a space on a live TV show, The Talk--which is The View in California and on CBS. Seriously, it's the same exact show, only Barbara Walters is Asian on this one.
Let's rip....

DANIELLE: Blue
She doesn't like Blue, but on her color wheel, Teal showed up and she was all about the Teal. She wanted to paint the nook in saturated teal and then use it throughout the room as an accent color. Unfortunately, her room looks a little incomplete.
Time management issues, again.
And there was also the "I have one plan and one plan only, in mind" aspect of Danielle's design. She had her mind set on a chrome and glass table, to bring some airiness to the room, but apparently there was only one chrome and glass table in all of LA that particular week and Hilari got to it first.
Cut to Danielle panicking and not knowing what else she might possibly do.
Cut to Bob, yelling at the TV: PIck.Another.Table!
And she did. She picked an espresso colored table with dark gray chairs and then set it all on an espresso colored floor with light gray walls. The.Table.Disappeared. And I guess the idea of an area rug didn't come into her head, because it would have really lightening up the space and made the table a standout, instead of a standoff.
Plus, her accessorizing--done so well last week--was sadly missing. Long stretches of wall with nary a painting of a sconce on them. Plus, it was long stretches of wall she painted from Builder beige to Builder Gray because the Builder Beige can was empty.
And she wanted to hang some hand-painted teal light fixtures above the table, but, well, tick tock, times up.
Now, for her Camera Challenge she came up with the idea to paint store-bought picture mats, in simple frames, a bold color, to create a wall installation. I am totally stealing this idea for my hallway at Casa Bob y Carlos. Plus, when you grow tired of one color, you can simply change out the colored mat for a different color, or keep it white.
And she was good on live TV. Funny, and smart and, well, I think Danielle may be the next Design Star to have s how on HGTV for about a minute never to be heard from again.
The judges weren't thrilled with her room. The Goiter said something--I've learned to tune out her chirpy nonsensical observations. Vern said something but all I could think was that he looked like an Asian Bob's Big Boy with that faux-hawk-swoop gelled hair don't. And guest judge, veteran character actor Broderick Crawford--I kid--it was Meg Caswell, who won last year's Design Star and has her own show called Meg's Something Or Other that possibly airs at 3AM in most markets, liked the space, but, um, yeah, it was all a blank.

HILARI: Red
Hilari wasn’t too happy about her color choice either. There were a lot of sassy Black girl faces being made when she learned her fate. Of course, after last week's debacle with the red countertops in her kitchen, it did smack of The Goiter and sabotage.
But Hilari recovered nicely, and wisely. She didn't go red on the walls, which would have looked whorehouse, but instead chose to do read in accent pieces around the room. Like when she put some red flowers on Danielle's dining table. I giggle. That table looked good.
And, for her Camera Challenge she chose to use an ethnic Indian fabric as a piece of wall art, mounting it to strips of wood and hanging it on the wall. it was the bold piece in her room, and looked cool and easy-breezy on TV. Hilari, on the other hand, thought she was on TV to meet Whoopi Goldberg, er, Aisha Tyler, and I heard her talking about telling her house that she loves it and it's amazing, and them something about shoes. Julie Chen, who certainly knows how to prattle endlessly, actually had to reel Hilari back in and talk The Talk. See what I did there?
Yeah. Not so much.
And Hilari found this very cool, very sculptural vine- twiggy, branchy thing that could be a focal point. I say 'could be' a focal point, because then she decided to buy smaller vines and twigs and branches to scatter about the room like LA tumbleweeds and the effect of the one piece was just lost.

BRITANY: Yellow
This was luck. Yellow is good for accent colors, and because no one in their right mind would paint a room shockingly yellow--although I know some of you there have those room sin your own home--it seemed like a no-brainer. Yellow. Vases. Flowers. Striped lampshades.
Check.Check.Done.
But then Britany decided to do one of her standard wooden pieces for a wall treatment. We've seen it before....time and gain, and this one just seemed a little too small for the space. Don't get me wrong, I hated it, but it was such a small part of the room that it seemed like an afterthought. Like a thought one might have after having food poisoning.
But I think she went overboard with the yellow. Citron yellow vases stacked on shelves. Citron pillows stacked on the couch. Citron flowers stacked in vases. Citron stripes. And then she tossed in some brass pieces which really are nothing more than dirty yellows. I mean, she used gray with the yellow, which was a smart choice, so she should have gone silver, instead on brass. 
Brass looks like it needs to be cleaned.
For her Camera Challenge, she painted Citron stripes on a lamp shade. All without smiling. She seems like she doesn't want to be there, and then she talked about peeling off the tape to reveal the stripe, only she said 'peel off the paint' and no one caught her.
The Goiter didn't like the wall piece, Vern didn't like that she doesn't smile, and Meg didn’t like the Caterers not serving Kung Pao Chicken during the break.

MIKEL: Green
Middle Mikel, as he dubbed himself, said this week was the time for him to come out strong. So, since he was given green, he painted the entire room green; and not a cool sage green, or even a retro lime green. But that kind of Cafeteria Green, that Minty Green, that looks like it will easily allow blood stains to be washed away.
Um, Middle, er, Mikel. I distinctly heard David say use the color as an inspiration, but that doesn’t mean paint the entire room the color.
Middle Mikel is headed for the Bottom. 
Throughout this season--drab as it has been--Mikel has been calling himself a brilliant space planner and an awesome set designer. And a lover of mid-century modern furniture. Okay, one out of there ain’t bad.
the man does know how to shop. His couches were very Mad Men-esque; the buffet was so cool. 
But the space plan? Lets' try and face the furniture toward the focal points of the room, and not at one another. If there hadn't been a TV or fireplace, it might have worked. If there had been some art work on those looooong Mental Hospital Green walls it might have worked. If he had chosen a different green and used it as an accent and not the main color, it might have worked.
It, sadly, did not work. At all.
And for his Camera Challenge--on how to use color in a room--Mikel was first going to say: Buy pillows! And then stretch for the next minute-fifty-five seconds. David suggested a new approach, and Mikel showed how to paint a wooden stool and then distress it using sandpaper. Good tip, but, um, it was not about using color. It was about sanding.
Sadly, Mikel's room was his Waterloo. But, as I watched him back on the DVR and saw him again on The Talk, wearing some Kelly Green pants, I thought to myself, Had Mikel just wandered through his closet, he might have found a better green.
And he would have won the Green. At least fort a few episodes.

THE EVALUATION
Danielle's Camera Challenge was best, but her room was unfinished.
Hilari's Camera Challenge was off, and her room looked okay.
Mikel's Camera Challenge was all wrong and his room was a d-i-saster.
Britany used yellow and didn't smile.
Mikel.Out.
Britany.Win.

MY TAKE
This was episode seven. We started with sixteen designers and in seven weeks we're down to four. That means they are rushing through this season, tossing designtestants off the show left and right because even HGTV know this show doesn't work.
Quick, other than Broderick Crawford, er, Meg, who has won the last seven seasons.
David Bromstad and .... and .... and .....
See?
Which leads me to believe that The Goiter must be good in the sack because, since this is her only HGTV show, and it is really sad, she must know some mighty powerful bedtime moves to keep the network from canceling this mess.
I want design. I don't want Oooh pretty table.
Ii can do Oooh pretty table all by myself.
I like the ideas, not the shopping, and this all seemed to be a plug for LA designer showrooms and Volvo.
Enough!
But, what did YOU think?


4 comments:

the dogs mother said...

I think I agree. With everything. They were all lacking and I'm probably going to blame HGTV for that - your viewers are bored - you are not giving them enough DAMN time!

I would have sent Danielle home for time management (for not learning by now you have NONE!) and not being able to recover from table interruptus.

The tips.... was not impressed. And Hilari - omg!

Next week. Yurts. Seriously! Yurts!

www.DiatribesAndOvations.com said...

I'm with you. I don't anticipate another season after this one.

mrpeenee said...

I actually don't want them to drag out the time with these loser designers. What insipid, timid, dull, dull, dull work! A challenge that focuses on color and they paint their rooms, gray, beige, greige and something else.

And Danielle, if you're turned loose in L.A. shopping and cant find a chrome and glass table, you are way on the wrong show.

Olya Olegovna said...

I really enjoyed this article. It is always nice when you read some thing that is not only informative but entertaining.