I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

I don’t watch the Real Housewives of New Jersey because they’re the garbage bag of trash in the franchise, even lower than the Real Housewives of New Jersey.

That said, I did see that epic table flip by Teresa ‘Mob Wife With a Two head Instead of a Forehead’ Giudice in season one where she screeched at her enemy, now BFF, Danielle Staub:

“Prostitution whor-ah! You were fucking engaged, 19 times? You’re a fucking bitch!” 

Now they gotta rewrite the line, because Staub, who married the 20th man to propose to her last year, and then divorced him about ten minutes after the ceremony, is engaged now for the 21st time and set to marry husband #5.

Just one week after her seven-week marriage—for the love of god, Kim Kardastrophe was married longer than that once—to Marty Caffrey officially ended, Danielle said “Yassssss” to an ALLEGED rich man—hence the enthusiastic YASSSSSS—named Olivier Maier.

Maier is also the Duke of Provence so when they marry, she will be the Duchess, and when the divorce she’ll be on the hunt for fiancée 22 and marriage #5.

Set your watches for this train wreck; the wedding is next week.

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Now, y’all know when one Kardastrophe does something, and then gets a Special Episode of that show, then sooner or later another comes along singing the same song.

Cue the least talented member of that untalented Klan, Kylie Jenner, whose BFF Jordyn Woods, was the one who slept with Khloe’s Baby Daddy and serial cheater, Tristan Thompson, who is next  in line for the next cheating scandal.

Yep, even though Kylie Jenner is already in the center of Khloe and Jordyn’s drama, the family has decided to rachet up the messiness by ALLEGING that Kylie’s boyfriend and Baby Daddy Travis Scott is a cheater, too.

On Wednesday Travis wanted to surprise Kylie and their 1-year-old daughter Stormi by coming to LA to spend some time with them. But as soon as Travis arrived, Kylie discovered “evidence” that led her to believe he’s a cheater just like Khloe’s ex Tristan Thompson and … roll cameras!

Their heated argument lasted a couple of days, apparently, so long that Travis was forced to cancel a show because he was, ahem, “under the weather” AKA “under the thumb” of That Woman who probably had the fight filmed for TV.

Oooh, I smell a spin-off, especially since Kylie’s only talent is bad choices in men and not understanding contraception.

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Last year, Meghan Markle married Prince Harry in a lovely royal wedding at Windsor Castle surrounded by lots of her friends, including Priyanka Chopra. And Priyanka rode that BFF With Her Royal Highness The Duchess of Sussex for all it was worth, but maybe she rode it too hard?

It seems that when Priyanka suddenly became engaged to Nick Jonas and they went on to have … I think … five weddings and a dozen or so receptions around the world, Meghan didn’t attend once single event. And then, when Meghan came to New York two weeks ago for a baby shower with her best girlfriends, Priyanka was a no-show.

Now, she was invited, but declined to attend because she was, ahem, “working,” which might be code for ‘You didn’t come to my wedding, er, weddings, with all your paparazzi and media attention, so I can’t come to your party.’

And so now we’re told that Priyanka is mad at Meghan and skipped Meg’s baby shower on purpose, suing the “bogged down in LA with meetings about a book she is writing” excuse.

Oh Priyanka, you never snub a royal, because now you just might permanently be scrubbed off Meghan’s Friend’s List and you and Nick will never get to post selfies from Inside Buckingham Palace.

And we all know how thirsty you are for that.

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Oh Mel B. I guess your sex, drugs, and ménage à trois rehab is over and now you need a new way to keep your name in the news.

It seems Mel appeared on Good Morning Britain with Piers Morgan and said the Lady Gaga Bradley Cooper performance of ‘Shallow’ on the Oscars, made her feel “uncomfortable”. I mean, in Mel B’s world, drug and drink parties with threesomes with the nanny are fine, but Gaga and Bradley crooning into the same microphone is just icky?

Mel and Piers turned into a couple of gossipy hens on the show:; she said: 

“See, I felt so uncomfortable for Bradley’s girlfriend, oh my gosh.”

And he said: 

"It was the look of love, wasn’t it?”

And she added: 

“It really was and that’s the whole gossip. That’s the whole thing. But I would like to think it was part of the whole performance, because there’s a women’s code and hopefully that’s not … hopefully it’s only professional.”

Seriously, the woman who paid a nanny to watch her kids and schtup her husband , and then join  the two of them in bed, thinks that song performance was bad?

Oh Mel, like Priyanka, you are thirsty for press. Maybe it’s time for a relapse.

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Rumor has it that Johnny Depp is broke…because of divorces, bad investments and living like he’s a king when he’s not. So, that may explain this …

It appears that Depp has filed a $500 million lawsuit against his ex-wife Amber Heard, claiming that her claims of domestic abuse were “an elaborate hoax to generate positive publicity” for herself …because saying publicly that your husband gets rip roaring drunk and beats the crap out of you is a career move … in Johnny Depp’s head.

But there’s more; Johnny also claims that Amber began an affair with Elon Musk a month after they were married, and that Elon was at their house, creeping in and out of the penthouse elevator, the night he and Amber got into a fight over a postnuptial agreement. Johnny says that fight led to Amber throwing a vodka bottle at him, which resulted in him having to have his finger “surgically reattached”.

Yes, Johnny wants to reopen his divorce case because he doesn’t like the way it ended, and he’s giving all sorts of new lies details about it. But it's cuz he’s broke and needs the coins and only $500 million will do. 

Until it gets tossed out of court and he comes back next year to claim Amber cheated with ET in a Tesla sent into space and he wants $500 billion.

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Show of hands … who’s surprised by this one …

Kailah Casillas, a now former Lohan Beach Club “ambassador”—code for call girl, maybe—was recently fired from her post for giving Lindsay some sass while the “staff”—code for call girls—were  being lectured to by Lindsay about tidiness.

Show of hands? Who thinks Lindsay Lohan, one of the hottest messes in all the land knows shiz about tidiness? Anyway, after Casillas was fired, on air because, you know, drama, she lashed out at Lohan by shrieking:

“Continue doing all the drugs you do, Lindsay.”

On the show, Lohan brushed off Casillas’ comments, claiming the reality star was just throwing her past in her face, while at the same time she brushed off her nose …ALLEGEDLY … but Casillas is now saying she witnessed a lot of “uncomfortable” and “awkward” behavior from Lohan since day one:

“It kind of slipped. I can’t say that I saw anything, because I’m really not trying to get myself in trouble, but I can say that from my own personal opinion, I do not think that she was sober whatsoever.”

Ah, so there you have it, she wants to claim Lindsay’s still doing drugs while saying she’s never seen it, and has no proof, but because she’s a reformed druggie she knows the signs.

Sounds like Lindsay hired a bunch of Lohan clones for her, um, “reality” show. Maybe they’ll start a gang and steal jewelry from high end boutiques like their boss.

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