Oscarvations

"Due to special programming of the 90^th Academy Awards ceremony, Celebrity Street Fights with Mario Lopez will not be seen to night."

I kinda might'a rather have seen the street fights, you know? But, let’s dish … Jimmy Kimmel, Sandra Bullock, Armie Hammer and Oscar …

“Oscar is the most loved and respected man in Hollywood. He keeps his hands where you can see them. He never says a rude word. And most importantly, no penis at all … he’s a real statue of limitations.”

Jimmy Kimmel, in an effort to keep the speeches down to a reasonable length, offers a jet ski to whoever gives the shortest acceptance speech. The jet ski is presented by model Helen Mirren …

Viola Davis, hot in pink, presents BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR … Sam Rockwell, Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri.

And, you know, in case you do happen to go long in your speech, Kimmel promised the music wouldn’t play you off; he had a new plan … HOT MAN Lakeith Stanfield from Get Out would run onstage as his character from the film and scream, “Get out!”

I seriously wish they’d done that.

“To show you how out of touch we can be, Hollywood made a movie called What Women Want starring Mel Gibson.”

Huh, what this man wanted was some Armie Hammer and I got some … along with someone called Gal Gadot, who agreed with most everyone about how pretty Armie is, though he added:

“This is four hours in a chair plus prosthetics.”

I could spend four hours in a chair with his prosthetic. Yes, I am that shallow that I went there. The beautiful couple presents BEST MAKEUP AND HAIR STYLING … The Darkest Hour … Kazuhiro Tsuji—my new favorite name, David Malinowski and Lucy Sibbick.

Eva Marie Saint comes out to Present BEST COSTUME DESIGN and stirs up the crowd with a happy story about how she and her husband always came to the Oscars, but he died last year …the award goes to … Mark Bridges, Phantom Thread. Naturally a film about fashion wins the award, and Bridges scores the shortest acceptance speech so far … Jet ski!

“Harvey Weinstein was kicked out of the academy. The only other man kicked out was character actor Carmine Caridi, who was kicked out for sharing … a copy of Seabiscuit on VHS.”

Greta Gerwig, Oscar nominee for directing Ladybird and the first female director nominated in eight years, and rocking some orange, presents with Laura Dern in … yawn … white … BEST DOCUMENTARY feature … Icarus … Bryan Fogel and Dan Cogan. Two winners, but four men come onstage. Really? Somebody needs to sit down.

Taraji P. Henson strolls out to present the first nominated song, ‘Mighty River’ from Mudbound sung by co-writer, and double nominee for Best Song and Best Supporting Actress, Mary J. Blige. It started off a little rough, a tad pitchy, but then Mary brought it.

“Superman is white. He’s always been white. You know what else he’s always been? Not real.”

Ansel Elgort, who has a reputation for being kind of a douche, and not to judge a book by it’s cover, looks like one … see what I did there … presents with Eiza Gonzalez … BEST ACHIEVEMENT IN SOUND EDITING … Dunkirk, Richard King and Alex Gibson. And then BEST ACHIEVEMENT IN SOUND MIXING … Dunkirk, Gregg Landaker, Gary A. Rizzo and Mark Weingarten.

“I remember a time when the major studios didn’t think a woman or a minority could open a superhero movie. I remember it because it was March of last year.”

Kimmel goes to the audience to chat, and spots Steven Spielberg; he asks his name … “Steven.” … “What do you do?” … “I’m married to Kate Capshaw.”… Do you have any pot?” WTF? Talk about a joke that goes nowhere for no reason.

Luckily, Lupita Nyong’o and Kumail Nanjiani are onstage … “We are two actors whose names you can’t pronounce.” Then Kumail says Kumail Nanjiani is his stage name, his Muslim name is … Chris Pine. They present BEST ACHIEVEMENT IN PRODUCTION DESIGN … The Shape of Water, Paul Denham Austerberry, Shane Vieau and Jeffrey A. Melvin.

Next song up, is ‘Remember Me,’ from Coco. It starts off a little wobbly with Gael García Bernal and then opens out with Miguel and Natalia Lafourcade singing in front of a gorgeously lit set.

Kimmel is upset that no one is going for the jet ski—Mark Bridges still has the best time—so he sweetens the pot with a three day stay at the Days Inn in Lake Havasu.

Rita Moreno, Oscar winner for West Side Story, is wearing the dress she wore to accept her Oscar in the 1960s; only she added a turban and so she looks a little like a Latino Norma Desmond. She presents BEST FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM … Chile’s A Fantastic Woman.

And finally, after what seems like a long dry spell of hot men, Mahershala Ali is up to present BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS … Allison Janney, I, Tonya. I was hoping for a Laurie Metcalf upset, personally … but also, during the clips of the nominees, I spot a big side of beef opposite Octavia Spencer in The Shape of Water … he’s Martin Roach, and he’s kinda dreamy.

And the dry spell might be over for a minute because next up to present are Mark Hamill, BB-8, Kelly Marie Tran and Oscar Isaac … Oscar Smoldering Isaac … why have him present with anyone, just have him stand onstage and look hot and … oh yeah, the Oscars. They present BEST ANIMATED SHORT FILM to Kobe Bryant … yes, that Kobe Bryant and Glen Keane for Dear Basketball. Carlos goes ape for Kobe … but he’s no Oscar Isaac … or Carlos, for that matter.

Oscar then presents BEST ANIMATED FEATURE FILM … Coco, Lee Unkrich and Darla K. Anderson … he’s straight, she’s gay, and another man, a gay man accepted. I looked at Carlos and said, “A ‘mo’ and a Lesbian and a hetero all win? That’s diversity!”

“Mark Wahlberg was paid $1.5 million for reshoots on All The Money in the World while Michelle Williams got $80 a day. Mark donated his $1.5 million to #TImesUp. The balls in your court, Michelle, where’s your eighty bucks?”

Daniella Vega introduces the Oscar nominated song from Call Me By Your Name, ‘Mystery of Love,” a folky kind of languid number. Armie deserved something hotter, sexier.

“We don’t make films like Call Me By Your Name to make money, we make them to upset Mike Pence.”

Gina Rodriguez and hot little pistol Tom Holland present BEST ACHIEVEMENT IN VISUAL EFFECTS … Blade Runner 2049, John Nelson, Paul Lambert, Richard R. Hoover. 

And then unctuous slimeball Matthew McConaughey is up to present BEST ACHIEVEMENT IN FILM EDITING … Dunkirk, Lee Smith.

I paused to wipe the oil off my telly. McConaughey is that slimy.

“How about The Shape of Watermen screwed up so badly this year, women started dating fish.”

Best Gag? Kimmel takes a few celebrities to a theater across the street to surprise the audience there and thank them for going to the movies. Gal Gadot and Margot Robbie handed out candy, while Guillermo Del Toro carried a six-foot sub, and … have they invaded my dreams … Armie Hammer shot people with his giant wiener. Okay, it was a hot dog gun, but it was huge.

Best “commercial” … yeah, watched some…was the one the Academy produced promoting the Overlook Hotel … from The Shining. Maids scrubbing blood from the elevators … getting lost in the maze. Good stuff.

Tiffany Haddish and Maya Rudolph stole the show, shoes off, and made a case for them being the hosts next year, as they presented BEST DOCUMENTARY SHORT SUBJECT … Heaven Is A Traffic Jam On The 495, Frank Stiefel. Haddish and Rudolph joked about Oscars So White and reminded the crowd that there are still plenty of white folks in Hollywood, but this was the best part … Maya Rudolph:

“Tiffany, when you peed off that zipline in Girl’s Trip? Brilliant.”

And Tiffany replied:

“Maya, when you took a dookie in the street in Bridesmaids it changed my life.”

BEST LIVE ACTION SHORT FILM … The Silent Child, Chris Overton …a man bun won an Oscar…and Rachel Shenton, who signed their speeches.

Dave Chappelle introduced ‘Stand Up For Something,’ from Marshall as the next nominated song. Common is brilliant and brought up the NRA and school shootings and this president, while Andra Day brought the gospel to the tune.

In keeping the activist vibe going, Ashely Judd, Annabella Sciorra and Salma Hayek spoke and presented a film clip about the #MeToo and #TimesUp movements, with both victims and allies speaking.

Then it was time for some hotness … Chadwick Boseman …yum … and Margot Robbie present BEST ADAPTED SCREENPLAY to James Ivory, of Merchant-Ivory, for Call Me By Your Name. 

Afterwards Nicole Kidman … gorgeous … presents BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY to Jordan Peele for Get Out. Peele is the first person in over eighty years to be nominated for screenplay, director and best film for his debit movie. Bravo, sir, it was a great movie.

Wes Studi walks out and talks about his military service and then we see a film clip of war films, followed by a sign from Oscar thanking people for their service. Nice, but why? Why on Oscar?

Luckily Kimmel is back out to talk about poor Barbra Streisand cloning her dead dog into two new pups:

“It’s a difficult and expensive process because first they have to find a dog that looks just like your dog and then they have to tell you they cloned your dog … Best wishes to Barbra and her dogs, Lentil and Yentl.”

Sandra Bullock comes out and asks to have the lights lowered so she can look 40 again; I thought they would just shut them off. Then she says:

“Good thing I’m not presenting with Gal Gadot. It’d be like lookin’ in a mirror for her, you know.” 

BEST ACHIEVEMENT IN CINEMATOGRAPHY … Roger Deakins, Blade Runner 2049.

Zendaya, swimming in brown tulle, is up to present the last Bet Song nominee, ‘This Is Me’ from The Greatest Showman, sung by Keala Settle. It’s a great anthem for being different, for marching to your own drummer, for not goose-stepping because people think you should.

Christopher Walken present BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY … Alexandre Desplat, The Shape of Water … followed by cutie Lin Manuel Miranda and Emily Blunt presenting BEST ORIGINAL SONG … ‘Remember Me,’ from Coco … Kristen Anderson Lopez and Robert Lopez.

Jennifer Garner is tasked with presenting Eddie Vedder who sang Tom Petty’s ‘A Room at the Top’ for the Death Roll In Memoriam … followed by Emma Stone to present BEST DIRECTOR to one of “these men and Greta Gerwig” … Guillermo Del Toro, The Shape of Water.

As we are nearing the four-hour mark … oy …Jane Fonda and Helen Mirren are up to present BEST ACTOR … Gary Oldman, The Darkest Hour …and then it’s Jodie Foster and Jennifer Lawrence to present BEST ACTRESS, but first …

Jodie’s on crutches and Jennifer Lawrence asked her what happened:

“Streep. She I, Tonya’s me, I prefer not to discuss it.”

“It’s cool. She tripped me once.”

“But we’re not gonna talk about it.”

“Legal reason, I get it, but she’s always so nice at the luncheon.”

“She’s acting.”

Ah, the comedy stylings of Foster and Lawrence. Now, BEST ACTRESS … Frances McDormand, Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri. As usual, a great speech, and then she asks all the female nominees in each category to stand up, and there are a lot of them. She tells the men:

“We all have stories to tell and projects we need financed. Invite us into your office in a couple of days, or you can come to ours, whichever suits you best, and we’ll tell you all about them.”

Then she ended with two words that confused some:

“Inclusion Rider.”

What the what? An inclusion rider is a way to make Hollywood more equitable. Actors sign contracts when they are cast in films, and can negotiate for riders, or additional provisions. An inclusion rider is a stipulation that the cast and crew in a film reflect real demographics, including a proportionate number of women, minorities, LGBTQ individuals and people with disabilities. Big name actors who have leverage in negotiations could put this stipulation into their contracts and drastically change representation in film.

Inclusion riders.

And here we are at the end, and Warren Beatty and Faye Dunaway are wheeled out once more to once again present the BEST PICTURE Oscar and not f%k it up ... The Shape of Water.

Tick tick tick …no changes, so it sticks. Guillermo Del Toro speaks, and then his co-winner J. Miles Dale starts and is cut off by the music. Kimmel comes out and for a minute you think he’ll let Dale speak, but even he cuts him off.

Oy.

Last thoughts? Parts were good, parts were funny, but I will say as a whole it was quite dull. All the film clips about theatergoers and armed forces and activism could have been scrapped. Keep the show funny, and musical and tight, and cut off the waste …like Kimmel, who really bored me last night.

Howsabout Haddish, Rudolph, Foster and Lawrence next year?

With a side of Armie Hammer and Oscar Isaac and Chadwick Boseman and Mahershala Ali?

What did YOU think?

Did this guy have more fun than you?