It's Snarkurday!

Taylor Swift is all about marketing—and less about talent and being able to sing live ... did I say that?—and so, when you think of the Hottest Item of Clothing from Swifty’s life, well, you can only come up with one ...

That TiddleSwift T-shirt the once-hot, once-relevant, now almost-over Tom Hiddleston wore when he and Swifty went surf romping.

Yup ... the “I ♥ TS” tank top Hiddleston wore whilst prancing around Rhode Island with ex-girlfriend TayTay and her Girl Squad last Summer.

So, what does Swifty do with a closet full of ridiculous T’s? She has them mass-produced, wears them in a video, makes everyone wear them in a video, and then sells them to her fans for fifty bucks a pop.

You can get your hands on sizes ranging from S to XXL.

Can you see it now? A gaggle of pre-teen girls marauding through the streets of suburbia in “I ♥ TS” T’s?

Ick.

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It looks like ABC might be having second thoughts about having Swifty's frenemy Katy Perry be a judge on their too-soon-reboot of American Idol.

Especially after Katy’s DOA job of hosting the VMAs last weekend.

Note to ABC ... don’t offer a $25 million contract—yes, that’s Katy’s payload—to an unproven talent.

Howsabout a little audition time first? And then when you see that she sucks, you can just offer $25 and some free Covergirl samples and save yourselves a butt-load’o’cash.

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Beyoncé is desperate to win an Oscar and since it’s clear that she’ll never get one for acting, she’s switching gears.

Queen :::yawn::: Bey is rumored to be in talks to write and sing the theme for the next James Bond film because she just knows she can score a shiny statuette.

But I have a better idea, BeyBey ... take one of the twins and spraypaint ‘em gold and then set ‘em on the mantel at Chez Z.

I mean, that’s probably as close as you’ll ever get to a real Oscar.

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Mel B has not had the best year, what with her husband cheating on her with the nanny, and her having a threesome with her husband and the nanny; not to mention to truckload of cash she may have to pay out in alimony and that new haircut. And it doesn’t look like it’s gonna be getting any better any time soon.

See, Mel has fallen for a Beverly Hills Cop—and not Eddie Murphy ... this time—and it’s messy. The cop stayed most nights with Mel because his life was a d-i-saster, what with being divorced and all ...

What? He’s not yet divorced? Oh well, then a separation is also ... what?

Yup, not only is Mel B’s new man not divorced, he’s not separated and his wife didn’t even know he’d started a thing with a Spice Girl.

When the wife found out her husband was bumping uglies with Mel B, she started trolling her on Instagram using the hashtag ... wait for it, it’s glorious ... #OldSpice.

I’m dyin’ over here .... but then she followed that with:

“You will never replace me.”

Followed by a video she made with friends singing the Spice Girls hit “Wannabe.”

I’m sorry, but I am loving the Beverly Hills Cop’s Wife.

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Solange Knowles—and you have to say Knowles because then you might realize she Beyoncé’s younger, less talented .... is that possible ... sister—has announced that she will be giving a concert to benefit Hurricane Harvey relief efforts.

Oddly enough, though, the concert will be called “Orion’s Rise” and will take place in Boston.

A concert for Houston called Orion in Boston? Oh Solange, haven’t the people in Texas suffered enough already. Take a seat dear, I’ll call you with my coffee order.

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Justin Bieber had his balls in a twist back in May, and for once, it wasn’t because his bodyguard put his little drawers on backwards.

It seems he got injured playing soccer, and wound up in the ER at a hospital on Long Island, where a nurse named Kelly Lombardo ALLEGEDLY illegally perused his files after hearing rumors he had an STD but ... the nurse says she didn’t do it and is suing her former employer for firing her over the allegations.

This all started after Justin found out he had a testicular contortion, which usually requires surgery. Biebs hit up Northwell Health in Long Island where word spread that a wee celebrity was there having his junk examined.

And that’s when Lombardo ALLEGEDLY fingered his medical file to see if Biebs was there for STD reasons. After the bosses found out about Kelly’s snooping she was fired.

After Northwell Health’s termination came Kelly’s lawsuit in which she swears she never accessed his file, and that she heard the rumor Justin was admitted for STD treatment from other people.

Look, here’s the deal ... who cares? Bieber has a twisted nutsack or an STD. Who.Cares.

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Kendall Jenner, of that media-whoring reality show family, is set to be named Fashion Icon of the Decade by The Daily Front Row at the fifth annual Fashion Media Awards during New York Fashion Week.

Really? Kendall Jenner? Fashion? Icon? There wasn't a K-Mart mannequin available?

The woman has one expression and it’s called the “What’s happening here?’ face. And as far as fashion goes, Celine Dion would have been a better choice and we know she dresses like she milks cows at a leather bar.

And let’s not forget “The Decade” part because that means that Kendall Jenner has been a fashion ‘It’ girl since she was eleven.

Clearly every single woman on the plant, from Queen Elizabeth and her hats to Jessica Simpson and her Daisy Dukes to Heidi Klum and any red carpet outfit turned down the award first and so the list was scratched down to Kendall Jenner and she said, “Sure! What?”

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